Self-sabotoging myself.
Hey guys. First and foremost, thanks for listening. This is a pretty big deal to me and I do appreciate your patience and any help you might be able to share with me.
Some quick background here. I'm a twenty-six year old gay guy. I got out of a ten year(!) relationship last summer. The last few years of this relationship were pretty unhappy/borderline emotionally abusive. He was also my first boyfriend.
After a nine month hiatus of deciding I wasn't going to date other guys, and that I was going to cultivate my own happiness, I met Alan, my current boyfriend. I met him in a bar - we were both *smashed* - and somehow stole him away as he was flirting with my friend who was working in coat check. There was something about him that brought me out of my hermit boy state, and we've been together now for almost six months.
Herein lies the issue. Alan has a pretty extensive past. He's a bit infamous on the "scene" for getting very drunk and trying to pick up guys at the bars, including some acquaintances that I know. He drinks because he didn't have the confidence to talk to people when he's sober. So with this in mind, he has a lot more sexual and relationship experience than I do. Admittedly this makes me uneasy - likely because I've only been with the one ex and and an unsuccessful campaign into an open relationship (I was not okay with this) - but I think this is more because my mind jumps to conclusions by imagining my boyfriend being intimate with people I know.
Our first night out together was a bit of a disaster and an awful first impression for trust. We went back to the bar where we met for a few drinks. He started recognizing people and pointing out to me people that he's seen on hook-up apps, Plenty of Fish, etc. It made me uncomfortable and I shared this with him. After that he disappeared for about twenty minutes to go have a cigarette outside, and when I went looking for him I found him giving his phone number to another guy.
I've tried pretty hard to give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt here. He said that the guy had a lot of mutual interests with him, and that perhaps they were going to go out for coffee sometime. Whether it was innocent or not I couldn't help but tell Alan that this looked pretty bad from my perspective. I've also been burned by my ex in similar situations before, so it brought up some bad memories. I could also tell by the stranger's face and tone that he didn't want to meet up with my boyfriend just for coffee, and he made a pretty quick escape. I also learned later on that this same guy had been texting my boyfriend quite a bit (Alan said he didn't reply because he recognized his intentions) and even later still Alan told me that he had been propositioned, despite the stranger knowing we were in a relationship. Tacky stuff.
Either way, I find myself having trouble trusting. Truth be told, Alan's actions have given me no real reason to worry. He didn't text the guy back, but when he does drink he becomes really suggest-able and I worry that someone could scoop him up and take him home just like I did the night that we met. I've shared these concerns with him, but all I really get from Alan is him telling me that he wouldn't do that.
I honestly wish that I could just flip a switch and stop worrying, but I often find myself fretting over unfamiliar male friends that he has. I wish that I wasn't bothered by the fact he has been with more people than I have. I wish that I stopped letting my bad relationship with my ex cloud my judgment moving forward in this new relationship. He hasn't gone out to the bars alone since we met, but if we're going to go long term I imagine that this is something that will happen eventually. I just imagine myself sitting at home and worrying myself to death.
Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks again guys.
Some quick background here. I'm a twenty-six year old gay guy. I got out of a ten year(!) relationship last summer. The last few years of this relationship were pretty unhappy/borderline emotionally abusive. He was also my first boyfriend.
After a nine month hiatus of deciding I wasn't going to date other guys, and that I was going to cultivate my own happiness, I met Alan, my current boyfriend. I met him in a bar - we were both *smashed* - and somehow stole him away as he was flirting with my friend who was working in coat check. There was something about him that brought me out of my hermit boy state, and we've been together now for almost six months.
Herein lies the issue. Alan has a pretty extensive past. He's a bit infamous on the "scene" for getting very drunk and trying to pick up guys at the bars, including some acquaintances that I know. He drinks because he didn't have the confidence to talk to people when he's sober. So with this in mind, he has a lot more sexual and relationship experience than I do. Admittedly this makes me uneasy - likely because I've only been with the one ex and and an unsuccessful campaign into an open relationship (I was not okay with this) - but I think this is more because my mind jumps to conclusions by imagining my boyfriend being intimate with people I know.
Our first night out together was a bit of a disaster and an awful first impression for trust. We went back to the bar where we met for a few drinks. He started recognizing people and pointing out to me people that he's seen on hook-up apps, Plenty of Fish, etc. It made me uncomfortable and I shared this with him. After that he disappeared for about twenty minutes to go have a cigarette outside, and when I went looking for him I found him giving his phone number to another guy.
I've tried pretty hard to give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt here. He said that the guy had a lot of mutual interests with him, and that perhaps they were going to go out for coffee sometime. Whether it was innocent or not I couldn't help but tell Alan that this looked pretty bad from my perspective. I've also been burned by my ex in similar situations before, so it brought up some bad memories. I could also tell by the stranger's face and tone that he didn't want to meet up with my boyfriend just for coffee, and he made a pretty quick escape. I also learned later on that this same guy had been texting my boyfriend quite a bit (Alan said he didn't reply because he recognized his intentions) and even later still Alan told me that he had been propositioned, despite the stranger knowing we were in a relationship. Tacky stuff.
Either way, I find myself having trouble trusting. Truth be told, Alan's actions have given me no real reason to worry. He didn't text the guy back, but when he does drink he becomes really suggest-able and I worry that someone could scoop him up and take him home just like I did the night that we met. I've shared these concerns with him, but all I really get from Alan is him telling me that he wouldn't do that.
I honestly wish that I could just flip a switch and stop worrying, but I often find myself fretting over unfamiliar male friends that he has. I wish that I wasn't bothered by the fact he has been with more people than I have. I wish that I stopped letting my bad relationship with my ex cloud my judgment moving forward in this new relationship. He hasn't gone out to the bars alone since we met, but if we're going to go long term I imagine that this is something that will happen eventually. I just imagine myself sitting at home and worrying myself to death.
Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks again guys.