Supernatural fic: The Secret Post-Apocalyptic Online Diary of Soulless Sam 1/1 [PG] Sam - 6.08 coda
Title: The Secret Post-Apocalyptic Online Diary of Soulless Sammy Winchester
Rating: PG
Characters: Sam (mentions of Dean)
Spoilers: up to & incl. 6.08
Notes: Coda to 6.08, Sam POV, first person
This takes place in the space between what we know and what we don't. It is not intended to be accurate, just to be one possible take.
What if Sam had a blog?
11/17/10 11:15:20 AM
The Secret Post-Apocalyptic Online Diary of Soulless Sammy Winchester
[ALL ENTRIES LOCKED PRIVATE VIEWABLE ONLY BY AUTHOR]
Day 357
Hunt: Skinwalker
Lead/Source: Crowley
Target: “Lucky”, shapeshifter member of a sleeper cell
Result: Local pack leader and inner circle terminated, initial target escaped
Progress on Alpha hunt: dead end
Notes:
Hunting with Dean is the right decision, even though results aren't as reliable as hunting with Samuel, or hunting solo. While we didn't bag an Alpha, or even a lead to one, this hunt provided a lot of very interesting information in terms of how Dean works, and therefore, how I used to work.
Initially, it looked like Dean's 'softer' approach might be inefficient, however if I had been calling the shots, we would have bagged the wrong suspect first, and found out later. Also, once we did bag the right monster, Dean's interrogation techniques proved superior to mine.
I've been thinking and analyzing why this was the case. Apparently, Dean was able to figure out the target (shapeshifter known as “Lucky”, the family dog) and use his motivation to first get intel, and second, use him to partially infiltrate the pack and get us in striking distance of the pack leader.
It never would have occurred to me to use the dog-man's affection for his adopted “family” to manipulate him, and if it had, I wouldn't have counted on any of the information, or that he'd go through with the plan just to save the woman and her son.
In hindsight, it seems logical that Dean was able to understand this aspect of the bow-wow because, I guess, it reminded him in some weird way of Lisa and Ben? I don't completely get it, but the results speak for themselves.
It was interesting that Dean chose to take out the shapeshifter leader rather than try and capture him to give to Crowley.
He pointed out that the pack leader could trigger the sleep cells to attack their human adopted families if he was spooked, and seemed to think it was obvious that this was more important than getting the pack leader as a lead to finding an Alpha. So, 150 people's lives are higher on the list of his priorities than getting back my soul.
I guess I can see his point. Wherever Crowley has my soul stashed, I guess it's not going anywhere. Crowley didn't say there was a time limit. I just thought Dean would be more anxious to have me back to 'normal'.
So, he wants me to get my soul back, but not at any cost, I guess.
Good to know. As far as I'm concerned, it's not a problem, as long as he can deal with me not having one.
Another development was that Dean said I should stop pretending to be his brother. That's kind of silly because I am his brother, I'm Sam Winchester. I remember everything, all the way back to the time he kept my head from cracking on the toilet when I threw up a sandwich that the bologna had gone bad, when Dad wasn't around to do it. I know Dean, better than anyone or anything ever in my life.
But he's also right, because it is different. I'm different.
I know him, but it's like I don't really understand what motivates him any more. Like I don't understand what used to motivate me.
I remember what I did, but trying to figure out how it all happened, not so much, particularly when it had anything to do with the stuff I don't feel any more. Like, looking back, I don't get why I didn't see Ruby for the manipulating douchebitch she was, why I bought all of that “you're the only one” stuff. Demons lie and everything they do is self serving.
Of course, now that I said that, I don't really get why Ruby was so fanatical about getting me to open Lucifer's cage door, either. It's not like he was going to do anything special for her. Crowley was right that his plan was ultimately to kill all the demons, once the humans had been wiped out. I remember that too.
I don't really get why Lucifer was so freaking pissed off at God, for that matter. God said don't do that, blah blah, and he did it. So yeah, punitive repercussions.
But back to Dean. He said I should stop pretending to be normal so I figured I better try that. It's kind of automatic, after a year, to try and blend in with what people were expecting of Sam Winchester. It was easy enough with Samuel and the Campbells because they never knew the old me. But with Dean, yeah, it makes sense that it hasn't been working. It just really didn't occur to me not to try to act like what he was probably expecting. I don't really want him to be freaked out. Only, apparently I can't pull it off with him. And now that we know what the reason is that I'm different, thanks to Cas doing the uber painful angel cavity search, it's just really not worth trying to keep it up. If it's not working, and it's just pissing Dean off worse, there's no point.
So I told him. I told him that I don't care about Lisa or Ben, and I told him that I didn't really care about him, except that I need his help. I figured might as well put the biggest cards on the table face up, right off the bat. That way if he decided to bail, it wouldn't be a long drawn out process.
I didn't get finicky with words about it, but the truth is, things are different with Dean. I don't have any connection to Lisa and Ben, at all, except how they impact things with Dean. But I do have a connection with him. It's just really hard to figure out what that connection is.
He's my brother. He's a good hunter, and he's about the most valuable resource I have. Bobby's a good resource, and Samuel knows more than all of us put together. But Samuel can be forthcoming sometimes, and other times he leaves important stuff out. Like the fact that he's Crowley's bitch. And that he knew that Crowley brought us both back. I don't like not knowing that kind of stuff.
I think there's supposed to be more. More about Dean. Maybe to a lesser degree more about Bobby, I don't know, maybe there's even supposed to be something about Lisa, like, why did I insist that Dean go to her went I went downstairs. But definitely, there's supposed to be more to do with Dean.
I want to know what it is.
I remember stuff. I want to know why some of the stuff I remember happened. I've been topside for nearly a year, hunting and it's good, I'm getting better and better as a hunter, but sometimes I don't get why I'm doing it.
The Alpha vamp asked if I felt empty. That's actually kind of a stupid question, even from a monster. I think if I felt empty, I wouldn't be empty, or, maybe that doesn't make sense but in a way, in kind of does.
What I do feel is like there's something just out of the range of what I can see. It's like something just past the corner of my eye, and no matter how fast I turn, I can't ever get a good look at it. And it seems to be important.
I think the old me would have been pissed off about it. But probably the old me would have been able to see whatever it is.
Being the old me hurt more. The thing is, there also seemed to be things that made it work. Like, I might be a better hunter now, but I don't think the new me could have beat Lucifer. I can't quite figure out how I did that. I think it has something to do with Dean though.
So, the plan is to stick with Dean. This time he even said we were going to do whatever it took to get his brother back. That means the old me.
I don't know if he has a plan about how to do it, besides just finding an alpha and seeing if Crowley will keep his word.
If that doesn't work out, there's always plan B.
12:39:58 PM
~
♦ other season 6 codas
Rating: PG
Characters: Sam (mentions of Dean)
Spoilers: up to & incl. 6.08
Notes: Coda to 6.08, Sam POV, first person
This takes place in the space between what we know and what we don't. It is not intended to be accurate, just to be one possible take.
What if Sam had a blog?
11/17/10 11:15:20 AM
The Secret Post-Apocalyptic Online Diary of Soulless Sammy Winchester
[ALL ENTRIES LOCKED PRIVATE VIEWABLE ONLY BY AUTHOR]
Day 357
Hunt: Skinwalker
Lead/Source: Crowley
Target: “Lucky”, shapeshifter member of a sleeper cell
Result: Local pack leader and inner circle terminated, initial target escaped
Progress on Alpha hunt: dead end
Notes:
Hunting with Dean is the right decision, even though results aren't as reliable as hunting with Samuel, or hunting solo. While we didn't bag an Alpha, or even a lead to one, this hunt provided a lot of very interesting information in terms of how Dean works, and therefore, how I used to work.
Initially, it looked like Dean's 'softer' approach might be inefficient, however if I had been calling the shots, we would have bagged the wrong suspect first, and found out later. Also, once we did bag the right monster, Dean's interrogation techniques proved superior to mine.
I've been thinking and analyzing why this was the case. Apparently, Dean was able to figure out the target (shapeshifter known as “Lucky”, the family dog) and use his motivation to first get intel, and second, use him to partially infiltrate the pack and get us in striking distance of the pack leader.
It never would have occurred to me to use the dog-man's affection for his adopted “family” to manipulate him, and if it had, I wouldn't have counted on any of the information, or that he'd go through with the plan just to save the woman and her son.
In hindsight, it seems logical that Dean was able to understand this aspect of the bow-wow because, I guess, it reminded him in some weird way of Lisa and Ben? I don't completely get it, but the results speak for themselves.
It was interesting that Dean chose to take out the shapeshifter leader rather than try and capture him to give to Crowley.
He pointed out that the pack leader could trigger the sleep cells to attack their human adopted families if he was spooked, and seemed to think it was obvious that this was more important than getting the pack leader as a lead to finding an Alpha. So, 150 people's lives are higher on the list of his priorities than getting back my soul.
I guess I can see his point. Wherever Crowley has my soul stashed, I guess it's not going anywhere. Crowley didn't say there was a time limit. I just thought Dean would be more anxious to have me back to 'normal'.
So, he wants me to get my soul back, but not at any cost, I guess.
Good to know. As far as I'm concerned, it's not a problem, as long as he can deal with me not having one.
Another development was that Dean said I should stop pretending to be his brother. That's kind of silly because I am his brother, I'm Sam Winchester. I remember everything, all the way back to the time he kept my head from cracking on the toilet when I threw up a sandwich that the bologna had gone bad, when Dad wasn't around to do it. I know Dean, better than anyone or anything ever in my life.
But he's also right, because it is different. I'm different.
I know him, but it's like I don't really understand what motivates him any more. Like I don't understand what used to motivate me.
I remember what I did, but trying to figure out how it all happened, not so much, particularly when it had anything to do with the stuff I don't feel any more. Like, looking back, I don't get why I didn't see Ruby for the manipulating douchebitch she was, why I bought all of that “you're the only one” stuff. Demons lie and everything they do is self serving.
Of course, now that I said that, I don't really get why Ruby was so fanatical about getting me to open Lucifer's cage door, either. It's not like he was going to do anything special for her. Crowley was right that his plan was ultimately to kill all the demons, once the humans had been wiped out. I remember that too.
I don't really get why Lucifer was so freaking pissed off at God, for that matter. God said don't do that, blah blah, and he did it. So yeah, punitive repercussions.
But back to Dean. He said I should stop pretending to be normal so I figured I better try that. It's kind of automatic, after a year, to try and blend in with what people were expecting of Sam Winchester. It was easy enough with Samuel and the Campbells because they never knew the old me. But with Dean, yeah, it makes sense that it hasn't been working. It just really didn't occur to me not to try to act like what he was probably expecting. I don't really want him to be freaked out. Only, apparently I can't pull it off with him. And now that we know what the reason is that I'm different, thanks to Cas doing the uber painful angel cavity search, it's just really not worth trying to keep it up. If it's not working, and it's just pissing Dean off worse, there's no point.
So I told him. I told him that I don't care about Lisa or Ben, and I told him that I didn't really care about him, except that I need his help. I figured might as well put the biggest cards on the table face up, right off the bat. That way if he decided to bail, it wouldn't be a long drawn out process.
I didn't get finicky with words about it, but the truth is, things are different with Dean. I don't have any connection to Lisa and Ben, at all, except how they impact things with Dean. But I do have a connection with him. It's just really hard to figure out what that connection is.
He's my brother. He's a good hunter, and he's about the most valuable resource I have. Bobby's a good resource, and Samuel knows more than all of us put together. But Samuel can be forthcoming sometimes, and other times he leaves important stuff out. Like the fact that he's Crowley's bitch. And that he knew that Crowley brought us both back. I don't like not knowing that kind of stuff.
I think there's supposed to be more. More about Dean. Maybe to a lesser degree more about Bobby, I don't know, maybe there's even supposed to be something about Lisa, like, why did I insist that Dean go to her went I went downstairs. But definitely, there's supposed to be more to do with Dean.
I want to know what it is.
I remember stuff. I want to know why some of the stuff I remember happened. I've been topside for nearly a year, hunting and it's good, I'm getting better and better as a hunter, but sometimes I don't get why I'm doing it.
The Alpha vamp asked if I felt empty. That's actually kind of a stupid question, even from a monster. I think if I felt empty, I wouldn't be empty, or, maybe that doesn't make sense but in a way, in kind of does.
What I do feel is like there's something just out of the range of what I can see. It's like something just past the corner of my eye, and no matter how fast I turn, I can't ever get a good look at it. And it seems to be important.
I think the old me would have been pissed off about it. But probably the old me would have been able to see whatever it is.
Being the old me hurt more. The thing is, there also seemed to be things that made it work. Like, I might be a better hunter now, but I don't think the new me could have beat Lucifer. I can't quite figure out how I did that. I think it has something to do with Dean though.
So, the plan is to stick with Dean. This time he even said we were going to do whatever it took to get his brother back. That means the old me.
I don't know if he has a plan about how to do it, besides just finding an alpha and seeing if Crowley will keep his word.
If that doesn't work out, there's always plan B.
12:39:58 PM
~
♦ other season 6 codas