(no subject)

[datearsofaclown]

isn't it strange how we grow so close to things, yet take them for granted...as if we assume they'll always be there and things will never change - yet change is inevitable....and yet i find myself raging against this change. i dont remember the last time i cried this hard or for this long. even more strange that the weather can sympathize with my pain and its been raining the past two days. now...when i think i've got no more tears to cry....they fall. i've been taught so much, and blessed with even more. so...can i be bitter for the end result...or thankful to have my life touched...? still - none of it seems comforting to me, like i can't make sense of it all - perhaps that's just emotionally and right now, the mentally part is too clouded over. its like you know the end is coming....so you stare a little harder, look a little longer, as if to memorize each detail, each unique quality so you wont ever forget - and then, what if you do forget...what if time slowly fades that memory? what if my true feelings were never known...? did i say all i could...did i do all i could...? for as numb as this medication makes me feel - this feeling inside i have now...i feel it, stronger than ever...a profound, mind altering sadness hidden inside and an unsettling feeling in my chest....

so, today will be a day of mourning - a day marked in time...as i pray for the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other to carry on.....