LOG: Renji/Eiji - COMPLETE HALLELUJAH
PRIVATE. NO CHARACTERS CAN SEE THIS.
RP at Renji's house to be finished in comments.
Finally, a Renji/Eiji log.
Eiji: Eiji was so excited. He and Renji had had the best day at Disney World and now they were going to end it by watching the fireworks surrounding Cinderella's Castle. He turned quickly, throwing an arm around Renji's shoulders and did a little bounce.
"Fireworks, Renji-kun!! Aren't you excited?!" he said animatedly into Renji's ear. He turned forward and continued, "I love fireworks! Hasn't this been the best day? We had so much fun! I know I did! I'm so glad you suggested we come here, nya! You'll have to pick things to do more often! This is the best! We should come again, huh?"
He couldn't stop grinning. It had been the most fun day in a while.
Renji: Renji took another bite of the cotton candy that he was holding, smiling along with Eiji. They had found a decent spot to watch the fireworks from, and now were just waiting for them to start.
"It has been a very good day, Kikumaru-kun. I'm glad we came as well; I've had a lot of fun. And we should come back again, since there were some things that we didn't have time to do." Smiling still, he silently offered some of the cotton candy to Eiji while licking his own fingers, trying to get the sugary stickiness off of them.
Eiji: Eiji grinned, taking another piece of the cotton candy for himself and pressing it onto his tongue with an exaggerated "mmmmm"-sound. "Yes," he agreed, "we should come back! Soon!" His fingers were sticky and blue with sugar-strings after a few bites. He licked them clean Eiji felt so content sitting here on the bench with Renji. He licked them clean with a content sigh.
The day couldn't have been better. His favorite part had been when they'd ridden the loud, bumpy train roller-coaster on the deserty mountain. (Eiji had laughed uncontrollably the entire time, head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut. "It’s so fun with your eyes squinched shut, Renji-kun. Do it with me!!!" he'd yelled gleefully over the clack-clack-clack of the ride.)
"We should have gone on that train again," he said, reaching again for more of the cotton candy.
Renji: "Again, Kikumaru-kun?" Renji asked, laughing a little. "We went on it three times already. But next time, alright? When we get a chance to come back, we'll go on it as many times as you want. Until you throw up, even - just don't throw up on me."
Just then, the music started and the first firework shot up in the sky, exploding into a bright green.
Eiji: Eiji's eyes widened with delight and he clapped his hands together once the fireworks started, his eyes still glued to Tinkerbelle sliding down a cable towards the bottom of the Castle. "Look at Tinkerbelle!" he said, pointing at the diminutive figure.
He sat back happily, stretching his arms out above him. "Renji-kun, I wouldn't throw up! Especially not on you. Yuck!" He made a face as he said this, nose crinkling. "Ooooh! Lookit that one! Isn't it pretty?"
Renji: "I'm looking, I'm looking - really." Renji smiled, watching Eiji out of the corner of his eye for a few seconds before returning his attention to the show.
They sat there silently for a few minutes, simply watching the fireworks and listening to the accompanying music. Occasionally, Eiji would make another exclamation, the wide grin never leaving his face, and Renji would just nod and smile along with.
Eiji: Eiji was enjoying the fireworks, watching the sky explode in showers of reds and greens and blues and golds. He was especially excited over the images of various Disney characters formed by multiple fireworks shot off at once: Nemo, Peter Pan, Aladdin, and Ariel. These, he thought, are quite better than the ones I saw last, back at the beginning of July with Fujiko... Those were plain compared to these, though just as enjoyable. Then he remembered. Oh! And a flood of emotions he'd pent up for a good number of days now, came rushing back all at once. No no nononono, not now. He blinked quickly a few times, feeling his smile falter and fade.
Why did he think of that? He hadn't thought of that conversation, of the whispered confession in a park lawn under the stars and explosions, in a while. Why now? He'd had a perfectly wonderful day with Renji, laughing and screaming, teasing and joking, running around and enjoying the summer. They'd eaten ice cream, had pocky and tuna rolls. He didn't want to think of anything less than cheerful now. He tried focus back on the image of Mickey Mouse now sparkling in the sky. It was brilliant and shimmering, falling lights floating to the ground like petals.
Renji had fallen quiet. Eiji looked to the side out of the corner of his eyes and could see Renji staring up at the sky with a peaceful look on his face. It made Eiji's chest tighten for some reason; he didn't know why, but it made him smile anyway.
Renji: Renji felt Eiji's eyes on him and turned his head, eyebrows raised slightly in curiosity. Tilting his head, Renji leaned forward to get a better look at Eiji's face.
"...Is there something wrong?" Renji asked, lips shifting into a frown. "Are you feeling sick?" Eiji gave him a smile, but he could see that it was half-hearted at best. "Eiji?"
Eiji: And for a moment, Eiji's heart stopped. Renji said his name. Eiji. Just like he'd been trying to get him to do for weeks now, only to have the other boy politely ignore him. He could tell Renji didn't realize he'd said it, unless he was carefully guarding it in hopes Eiji hadn't noticed. But he had.
For some reason, that simple action, that one word, said just that way - Eiji - made Eiji so ridiculously happy that he reacted in a completely Eiji-like way: he kissed Renji.
He leaned over, quick-like-lightning, and pressed his still-sugary lips to Renji's.
Renji: Renji blinked.
He blinked again.
He wasn't completely sure (as his body seemed to have froze without his permission), but was mostly sure that Eiji's lips...were on his. Touching his.
Thinking really hard, Renji concluded that Eiji, may indeed, be kissing him.
He blinked.
Eiji: He hadn't thought of what he was doing at all before he realized his nose was touching Renji's and they were kissing. More precisely, he was kissing Renji. Eiji was more than pleased by this, even though he hadn't thought of kissing Renji before. Not seriously.
Eiji opened his eyes a little to see Renji's non-reaction and found himself looking into Renji's still mostly-closed eyes. He looked utterly stunned, if truth be told. This made Eiji even happier for some reason. He couldn't explain it, but he rather liked the way Renji's mouth felt against his. When Eiji pulled back, with a happy sigh, it made a tiny, wet, smooching sound and Eiji grinned.
“Meeeaaaah, Renji. You said my name!"
Renji: It took a while before Renji was able to form coherent thoughts as he tried to wrap his mind around the feel of Eiji's lips on his, of the realization that Eiji was really, truly, honestly kissing him. Even after Eiji pulled away, Renji still wasn't sure what to think.
"I did what?" Renji had to concentrate even more on speaking coherently. "Why did you just kiss me?"
Eiji: It was Eiji's turn to blink; his smile didn't waver though. He continued looking at Renji, cocked his head slightly to one side, and said, "You said my name! Just like I've been asking you to, Renji-kun!"
He hoped Renji wasn't upset with him for kissing him. He didn't look upset, but Eiji couldn't decipher the look that was on his face. "Why do you ask? I told you I could get you to say it..." and he paused for a bit. He could see something cross Renji's face at that. Almost hesitantly, he said, "Why do you ask?"
Renji: Renji looked away from Eiji, the eye contact suddenly becoming uncomfortable. He was silent for a few moments, biting his lip and letting it go when he realized he could still feel Eiji on them.
He let out a deep breath. "Kikumaru...you shouldn't do this."
Eiji: Eiji felt chastised. He pulled his head up a little and looked at Renji, a hurt look on his face. He tilt his head slightly and said, "Why not Renji-kun? I like you. Why don't you want me to kiss you? I just…like you. Didn't you have fun today? Don't you..."
He stopped, looking at Renji a little longer, and then turned to sit back. He looked at the castle and said, “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
Renji: Renji sat there, not really knowing what to say. He finally turned his head just a little towards Eiji, opening his mouth to speak. “You like me because I’m not Oishi or Fuji - because there isn’t any history between us. You don’t like me for the reasons you think.”
Eiji: Eiji was hurt by those words. He wondered why liking someone has to always be so difficult. It always was. He didn't want a serious relationship: he was afraid of what he thought Oishi felt for him, and he was even more terrified of whatever it was he felt for Fuji. He liked ignoring those feelings, even though it didn’t always work out that way. He had gotten overwhelmed with it all. And then, he started liking Renji; with no agenda, with no thought whatsoever. It just happened, and Eiji hadn’t even realized it.
He kept staring ahead at the castle, caught up in his thoughts. Why couldn't he like Renji? It was simple and it felt right. Eiji knew he had to like Renji, otherwise, what Renji said wouldn’t have hurt. He couldn't look at Renji. As he was sitting there, he thought about what Renji said, worrying if maybe Renji was right...maybe he doesn’t like Renji. Maybe it’s just convenient.
But he didn’t believe that. He looked over at Renji and in an unusually serious tone, said, "What makes you think you know the reasons I like you? I never said I liked you until just now..."
Renji: Renji still couldn’t look at Eiji directly, because he didn’t know if he wanted to see what was written on Eiji’s face or in his eyes. It was the first time that he’d heard Eiji so serious and it almost made Renji think that Eiji really does like him. But Renji just passed it off as wishful thinking.
“Eiji,” he said. “Since we’ve gotten to know each other, you’ve told me about your feelings for Oishi, and for Fuji. I know you hurt because of them - you tell me, and I see it too - and I know you just want to stop hurting. I’m really happy that you’ve come to trust me so much…but I’m not the solution, and I’m sorry.”
Eiji: Eiji looked back ahead, watching the fireworks and feeling so let down. He was so stupid for kissing Renji. He should have known better. He should have known someone like Renji would think of it this way, someone who’s always thinking carefully about every detail, mulling over data. He should have known what he would think about someone impulsive and free-spirited like himself. He wouldn't just let Eiji kiss him. He wouldn't just kiss Eiji back, not even if there was a whole day of laughter and fun and ice cream and rides and parades and even fireworks. To Eiji, that was a perfect day, and what better way for it to end than with fireworks and kisses? Happy, fun kisses.
Eiji apologized again. “It’s not so serious, Renji. It could just be a kiss. I just wanted...a kiss. It doesn’t have to be serious and… Nyah!...I...can't I... I just wanted to kiss you, that's all.” Eiji paused for a moment, not knowing what else to say. He took a breath, trying to clear his head before going on, “There are fireworks, Renji!" He looked over at Renji, his face smiling, and eyes alight, but barely veiling the sadness and disappointment he felt. “Couldn’t you just kiss me back? I like you. I do. Don't you like me?" he said, looking at Renji more intently. After a moment, he spoke more softly"...what do you think about me, Renji?"
Renji: Renji’s neck was sore and he couldn’t watch the fireworks anymore, because they were starting to feel like how Eiji felt - color and light, and an amazing sort of beauty. It made him tired. His head fell forward and he felt Eiji’s eyes on him, waiting, waiting for an answer.
“…Yes, Eiji, I do. I do like you.” And before Eiji could say anything, Renji suddenly turned his head toward him, eyes boring into his. “But,” he continued, “I can’t help but think that you want someone else’s kisses more than mine. And even if you didn’t - even if you didn’t Eiji -” he stopped suddenly, but continued to stare at Eiji.
Then, softly, so soft that he wasn’t sure Eiji would even be able to hear him, he said, “I don’t want you getting into something that you end up not wanting.”
Eiji: Eiji couldn’t say anything for a minute. His mouth was open as though he was about to say something, and he was. He just didn't know what it was now. He shook his head. “Someone else’s kisses”, Renji had said. He realized he hadn't even thought about anyone else today. All he’d thought about was how much fun he was having with Renji, of all people. Someone so very different from him. And Eiji knew whose kisses he wanted right now and right now is what mattered. Right now he wanted Renji's kisses. Not anyone else’s.
But he didn't want this to be complicated, and he didn't want to complicate things between him and Renji. Instead, he turned his head and sighed. "You’re wrong, Renji,” he said. “I don’t want anyone else’s kisses more than yours. You might think I do, but I know I don’t. Right now, I have Renji, and that is what matters. All I've thought about today was Renji and how much fun I was having with Renji. I never once wanted Fuji to be here instead. But if you feel differently, I understand. And I won't kiss you again. I'm sorry. I don't want things to be weird. But I can't help but think you are wrong about whose kisses I want. Because I want Renji's kisses right now, nothing else."
Renji: Renji was left speechless by Eiji’s words, and there was a tightness in his chest that he couldn’t figure out if it was pain or happiness. And standing there, eyes unable to leave Eiji’s face, he watched as the fireworks lighted up Eiji’s eyes in different colors. He could see Eiji struggling with himself and felt a deep pang of guilt for having caused it. Renji thought about what Eiji just said, about how he never thought about wanting Fuji to be there, and then about Eiji saying that he wouldn’t kiss him again if Renji didn’t want him to. Thinking about that last part made Renji’s chest tighten more, but it wasn’t because he was happy. Swallowing, Renji took a small step forward.
“…Eiji.” His hand slowly rose toward Eiji’s face. Renji didn’t have the courage to actually watch Eiji’s reaction - he was concentrating too much on trying to make his hand stop shaking. He reached closer, and closer - just a little more. But then he clenched his hand into a fist, dropping it to his side, and he stood there staring at the ground.
“…I’m sorry, Eiji.”
Eiji: Eiji nearly stopped breathing when Renji stepped closer. His heart beat faster and all he could think about was the look on Renji's face right now as his words hung in the air still, the gentle apology interrupted by the still-popping fireworks. He tried not to notice the way Renji's hand had been shaking as he lifted it, but he couldn't help it. This couldn't be it, he thought. Renji was shaking, for god's sake. Just like Eiji was starting to feel. Eiji reached out, not hesitating at all, and grabbed Renji's hand. He closed the distance and pressed his mouth to Renji's, still holding him by the hand. He could feel Renji resist, trying to stiffly pull back and Eiji pulled up his other hand, placing it on Renji's shoulder. After a few seconds, he pulled back, letting his hands drop. He lowered his eyes, a very small smile on his face and even smaller voice, "...Gomen, Renji. I lied. I had to kiss you one more time, nya." He brushed his hand against Renji's lightly.
Renji: Renji's hand reacted by itself when Eiji touched it, curling into a painfully tight fist. He couldn't believe that Eiji kissed him again, and a real kiss, not like the first one which was merely a brush of lips. Renji had tried to pull away, but found himself being held firmly by Eiji.
Not knowing what to do, Renji fell back on the bench, hands at his sides. He opened his mouth to speak only to have nothing come out - he had too many things to say, but couldn't decide where to start. Renji wanted to be like Eiji, to just go for what he wanted, but it was all too easy for simple things to become complicated.
Eiji: Eiji sighed and turned away again. He really should have known better, but he couldn't help it! He was sure that Renji would kiss him back that time. Maybe he was worse than he thought at reading signals. Wasn't Renji about to touch him just a moment ago? He knew he was. He couldn't push it anymore though. Angering Renji or upsetting him was the LAST thing he wanted to do. He sighed and closed his eyes, focusing his mind to be happy and his face to smile. When he was ready, he did just that. "Nyah Renji. It’s OK! I understand now. Are you ready to go? I think we should get going. It’s been a super long day, but I had fun. Did you?" Eiji turned a little and looked at Renji sideways, still smiling even though it hurt a bit.
Renji: It seemed like every single part of Renji were arguing with each other - his heart, his mind, his conscious, his practicality. They were all saying different things and Renji just wanted to know which one was right. He was so caught up that he barely heard anything that Eiji said, but did manage to catch the end when Eiji sat down next to him, all smiles. Renji could hear the sadness and hurt in Eiji's voice, and that only made Renji angry at himself.
"Eiji," he said as he sat there, barely moving, "I know...that you didn't want to get caught up in something complicated. So I apologize for turning this whole thing into one.”
Renji slowly turned his head to meet Eiji's gaze. "I don't care about me, Eiji. But I don't want you to have to deal with regret."
Eiji: Eiji closed his eyes softly, feeling his heart wrench painfully. Why, why, why had he done this? Not considered the consequences? No. He shook his head and pushed it from his mind. He was happy today, happier than he'd been in a long time. He wasn't going to let this ruin it.
"I don't regret anything, Renji-san." he said in a low voice. "I know I'm impulsive, but that is just who I am. But let's not do this. Let's forget the whole thing, okay? I didn't want to ruin the day. I just... I was having fun and I get affectionate and I thought kissing you was the best idea. I was wrong and I apologize again. Let's just...leave it be." Eiji looked up at Renji, pleading him to just let it go. He didn't want this day to end like this. "Please, Renji? Please? I really mean it. I won't do it again. We can pretend it never happened and we can just go on like it was before and it will not change a thing, okay? Please?" Please, he thought.
Renji: There was nothing Renji could do when Eiji looked up at him again, his eyes wide and full of a desperation that made Renji stop breathing. ‘I’m sorry, Eiji, for making you lose your smile.’ But Eiji just continued to look at him, as if the outcome of the world rested on his reply. ‘Oh, Eiji.'
"Oh, Eiji." Renji didn't realize he had said it out loud, and before he could stop himself, he reached forward and pulled Eiji towards him, wrapping his arms around him as tight as they would go, ignoring Eiji's squeak of surprise.
"Eiji, the truth is. What if somewhere along the line, one of us doesn’t want ‘not serious’ anymore while the other one still does? What are you going to do then?”
Renji refused to let go of Eiji, partly because he didn't want to, and partly because he didn't want to see what Eiji's face looked like just yet.
Eiji: Eiji was so surprised that Renji grabbed him like that. It felt so nice to be hugged. It had been a while since Eiji had been in a hug he had not initiated himself. It had been a while since someone had held him like this. He let himself relax just enough into Renji, but not too much that he got comfortable. He wanted to, though.
“Renji, it’s ok. Let's not talk about it. I don't want to make you do something you aren't sure about and I don't want this to be…nyah! Sooo serious! I just like you and if you like me, okay then! And we could just be. Just like that! I'm not asking for anything. Not anything you don't want to give me. I don’t want you to give me something that is not mine. But if there is a chance for…something, just for right now, then alright. I don't want anything to tie us down or keep us away from anything." Eiji realized he talked too much and he stopped talking. He held on to Renji just a little, not wanting to look up at him just yet. “Let’s just see what happens, okay?”
He felt bad now. He didn't want anyone to be hurt, but would they really? They were just friends! It was alright if he liked Renji and maybe kissed him sometimes, right? Eiji didn't know what to do. He pulled his head back and said, "Let's go okay? We should leave."
"Nothing serious, Renji...if you decide differently, that is alright with me, okay?"
Renji: Renji simply nodded against Eiji's shoulder and pulled away slowly. But he didn't want to let go completely so he slid his right hand down Eiji's arm and softly, barely grabbed onto Eiji's fingers.
"Okay, Eiji-kun. Let's go."
RP at Renji's house to be finished in comments.
Finally, a Renji/Eiji log.
Eiji: Eiji was so excited. He and Renji had had the best day at Disney World and now they were going to end it by watching the fireworks surrounding Cinderella's Castle. He turned quickly, throwing an arm around Renji's shoulders and did a little bounce.
"Fireworks, Renji-kun!! Aren't you excited?!" he said animatedly into Renji's ear. He turned forward and continued, "I love fireworks! Hasn't this been the best day? We had so much fun! I know I did! I'm so glad you suggested we come here, nya! You'll have to pick things to do more often! This is the best! We should come again, huh?"
He couldn't stop grinning. It had been the most fun day in a while.
Renji: Renji took another bite of the cotton candy that he was holding, smiling along with Eiji. They had found a decent spot to watch the fireworks from, and now were just waiting for them to start.
"It has been a very good day, Kikumaru-kun. I'm glad we came as well; I've had a lot of fun. And we should come back again, since there were some things that we didn't have time to do." Smiling still, he silently offered some of the cotton candy to Eiji while licking his own fingers, trying to get the sugary stickiness off of them.
Eiji: Eiji grinned, taking another piece of the cotton candy for himself and pressing it onto his tongue with an exaggerated "mmmmm"-sound. "Yes," he agreed, "we should come back! Soon!" His fingers were sticky and blue with sugar-strings after a few bites. He licked them clean Eiji felt so content sitting here on the bench with Renji. He licked them clean with a content sigh.
The day couldn't have been better. His favorite part had been when they'd ridden the loud, bumpy train roller-coaster on the deserty mountain. (Eiji had laughed uncontrollably the entire time, head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut. "It’s so fun with your eyes squinched shut, Renji-kun. Do it with me!!!" he'd yelled gleefully over the clack-clack-clack of the ride.)
"We should have gone on that train again," he said, reaching again for more of the cotton candy.
Renji: "Again, Kikumaru-kun?" Renji asked, laughing a little. "We went on it three times already. But next time, alright? When we get a chance to come back, we'll go on it as many times as you want. Until you throw up, even - just don't throw up on me."
Just then, the music started and the first firework shot up in the sky, exploding into a bright green.
Eiji: Eiji's eyes widened with delight and he clapped his hands together once the fireworks started, his eyes still glued to Tinkerbelle sliding down a cable towards the bottom of the Castle. "Look at Tinkerbelle!" he said, pointing at the diminutive figure.
He sat back happily, stretching his arms out above him. "Renji-kun, I wouldn't throw up! Especially not on you. Yuck!" He made a face as he said this, nose crinkling. "Ooooh! Lookit that one! Isn't it pretty?"
Renji: "I'm looking, I'm looking - really." Renji smiled, watching Eiji out of the corner of his eye for a few seconds before returning his attention to the show.
They sat there silently for a few minutes, simply watching the fireworks and listening to the accompanying music. Occasionally, Eiji would make another exclamation, the wide grin never leaving his face, and Renji would just nod and smile along with.
Eiji: Eiji was enjoying the fireworks, watching the sky explode in showers of reds and greens and blues and golds. He was especially excited over the images of various Disney characters formed by multiple fireworks shot off at once: Nemo, Peter Pan, Aladdin, and Ariel. These, he thought, are quite better than the ones I saw last, back at the beginning of July with Fujiko... Those were plain compared to these, though just as enjoyable. Then he remembered. Oh! And a flood of emotions he'd pent up for a good number of days now, came rushing back all at once. No no nononono, not now. He blinked quickly a few times, feeling his smile falter and fade.
Why did he think of that? He hadn't thought of that conversation, of the whispered confession in a park lawn under the stars and explosions, in a while. Why now? He'd had a perfectly wonderful day with Renji, laughing and screaming, teasing and joking, running around and enjoying the summer. They'd eaten ice cream, had pocky and tuna rolls. He didn't want to think of anything less than cheerful now. He tried focus back on the image of Mickey Mouse now sparkling in the sky. It was brilliant and shimmering, falling lights floating to the ground like petals.
Renji had fallen quiet. Eiji looked to the side out of the corner of his eyes and could see Renji staring up at the sky with a peaceful look on his face. It made Eiji's chest tighten for some reason; he didn't know why, but it made him smile anyway.
Renji: Renji felt Eiji's eyes on him and turned his head, eyebrows raised slightly in curiosity. Tilting his head, Renji leaned forward to get a better look at Eiji's face.
"...Is there something wrong?" Renji asked, lips shifting into a frown. "Are you feeling sick?" Eiji gave him a smile, but he could see that it was half-hearted at best. "Eiji?"
Eiji: And for a moment, Eiji's heart stopped. Renji said his name. Eiji. Just like he'd been trying to get him to do for weeks now, only to have the other boy politely ignore him. He could tell Renji didn't realize he'd said it, unless he was carefully guarding it in hopes Eiji hadn't noticed. But he had.
For some reason, that simple action, that one word, said just that way - Eiji - made Eiji so ridiculously happy that he reacted in a completely Eiji-like way: he kissed Renji.
He leaned over, quick-like-lightning, and pressed his still-sugary lips to Renji's.
Renji: Renji blinked.
He blinked again.
He wasn't completely sure (as his body seemed to have froze without his permission), but was mostly sure that Eiji's lips...were on his. Touching his.
Thinking really hard, Renji concluded that Eiji, may indeed, be kissing him.
He blinked.
Eiji: He hadn't thought of what he was doing at all before he realized his nose was touching Renji's and they were kissing. More precisely, he was kissing Renji. Eiji was more than pleased by this, even though he hadn't thought of kissing Renji before. Not seriously.
Eiji opened his eyes a little to see Renji's non-reaction and found himself looking into Renji's still mostly-closed eyes. He looked utterly stunned, if truth be told. This made Eiji even happier for some reason. He couldn't explain it, but he rather liked the way Renji's mouth felt against his. When Eiji pulled back, with a happy sigh, it made a tiny, wet, smooching sound and Eiji grinned.
“Meeeaaaah, Renji. You said my name!"
Renji: It took a while before Renji was able to form coherent thoughts as he tried to wrap his mind around the feel of Eiji's lips on his, of the realization that Eiji was really, truly, honestly kissing him. Even after Eiji pulled away, Renji still wasn't sure what to think.
"I did what?" Renji had to concentrate even more on speaking coherently. "Why did you just kiss me?"
Eiji: It was Eiji's turn to blink; his smile didn't waver though. He continued looking at Renji, cocked his head slightly to one side, and said, "You said my name! Just like I've been asking you to, Renji-kun!"
He hoped Renji wasn't upset with him for kissing him. He didn't look upset, but Eiji couldn't decipher the look that was on his face. "Why do you ask? I told you I could get you to say it..." and he paused for a bit. He could see something cross Renji's face at that. Almost hesitantly, he said, "Why do you ask?"
Renji: Renji looked away from Eiji, the eye contact suddenly becoming uncomfortable. He was silent for a few moments, biting his lip and letting it go when he realized he could still feel Eiji on them.
He let out a deep breath. "Kikumaru...you shouldn't do this."
Eiji: Eiji felt chastised. He pulled his head up a little and looked at Renji, a hurt look on his face. He tilt his head slightly and said, "Why not Renji-kun? I like you. Why don't you want me to kiss you? I just…like you. Didn't you have fun today? Don't you..."
He stopped, looking at Renji a little longer, and then turned to sit back. He looked at the castle and said, “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
Renji: Renji sat there, not really knowing what to say. He finally turned his head just a little towards Eiji, opening his mouth to speak. “You like me because I’m not Oishi or Fuji - because there isn’t any history between us. You don’t like me for the reasons you think.”
Eiji: Eiji was hurt by those words. He wondered why liking someone has to always be so difficult. It always was. He didn't want a serious relationship: he was afraid of what he thought Oishi felt for him, and he was even more terrified of whatever it was he felt for Fuji. He liked ignoring those feelings, even though it didn’t always work out that way. He had gotten overwhelmed with it all. And then, he started liking Renji; with no agenda, with no thought whatsoever. It just happened, and Eiji hadn’t even realized it.
He kept staring ahead at the castle, caught up in his thoughts. Why couldn't he like Renji? It was simple and it felt right. Eiji knew he had to like Renji, otherwise, what Renji said wouldn’t have hurt. He couldn't look at Renji. As he was sitting there, he thought about what Renji said, worrying if maybe Renji was right...maybe he doesn’t like Renji. Maybe it’s just convenient.
But he didn’t believe that. He looked over at Renji and in an unusually serious tone, said, "What makes you think you know the reasons I like you? I never said I liked you until just now..."
Renji: Renji still couldn’t look at Eiji directly, because he didn’t know if he wanted to see what was written on Eiji’s face or in his eyes. It was the first time that he’d heard Eiji so serious and it almost made Renji think that Eiji really does like him. But Renji just passed it off as wishful thinking.
“Eiji,” he said. “Since we’ve gotten to know each other, you’ve told me about your feelings for Oishi, and for Fuji. I know you hurt because of them - you tell me, and I see it too - and I know you just want to stop hurting. I’m really happy that you’ve come to trust me so much…but I’m not the solution, and I’m sorry.”
Eiji: Eiji looked back ahead, watching the fireworks and feeling so let down. He was so stupid for kissing Renji. He should have known better. He should have known someone like Renji would think of it this way, someone who’s always thinking carefully about every detail, mulling over data. He should have known what he would think about someone impulsive and free-spirited like himself. He wouldn't just let Eiji kiss him. He wouldn't just kiss Eiji back, not even if there was a whole day of laughter and fun and ice cream and rides and parades and even fireworks. To Eiji, that was a perfect day, and what better way for it to end than with fireworks and kisses? Happy, fun kisses.
Eiji apologized again. “It’s not so serious, Renji. It could just be a kiss. I just wanted...a kiss. It doesn’t have to be serious and… Nyah!...I...can't I... I just wanted to kiss you, that's all.” Eiji paused for a moment, not knowing what else to say. He took a breath, trying to clear his head before going on, “There are fireworks, Renji!" He looked over at Renji, his face smiling, and eyes alight, but barely veiling the sadness and disappointment he felt. “Couldn’t you just kiss me back? I like you. I do. Don't you like me?" he said, looking at Renji more intently. After a moment, he spoke more softly"...what do you think about me, Renji?"
Renji: Renji’s neck was sore and he couldn’t watch the fireworks anymore, because they were starting to feel like how Eiji felt - color and light, and an amazing sort of beauty. It made him tired. His head fell forward and he felt Eiji’s eyes on him, waiting, waiting for an answer.
“…Yes, Eiji, I do. I do like you.” And before Eiji could say anything, Renji suddenly turned his head toward him, eyes boring into his. “But,” he continued, “I can’t help but think that you want someone else’s kisses more than mine. And even if you didn’t - even if you didn’t Eiji -” he stopped suddenly, but continued to stare at Eiji.
Then, softly, so soft that he wasn’t sure Eiji would even be able to hear him, he said, “I don’t want you getting into something that you end up not wanting.”
Eiji: Eiji couldn’t say anything for a minute. His mouth was open as though he was about to say something, and he was. He just didn't know what it was now. He shook his head. “Someone else’s kisses”, Renji had said. He realized he hadn't even thought about anyone else today. All he’d thought about was how much fun he was having with Renji, of all people. Someone so very different from him. And Eiji knew whose kisses he wanted right now and right now is what mattered. Right now he wanted Renji's kisses. Not anyone else’s.
But he didn't want this to be complicated, and he didn't want to complicate things between him and Renji. Instead, he turned his head and sighed. "You’re wrong, Renji,” he said. “I don’t want anyone else’s kisses more than yours. You might think I do, but I know I don’t. Right now, I have Renji, and that is what matters. All I've thought about today was Renji and how much fun I was having with Renji. I never once wanted Fuji to be here instead. But if you feel differently, I understand. And I won't kiss you again. I'm sorry. I don't want things to be weird. But I can't help but think you are wrong about whose kisses I want. Because I want Renji's kisses right now, nothing else."
Renji: Renji was left speechless by Eiji’s words, and there was a tightness in his chest that he couldn’t figure out if it was pain or happiness. And standing there, eyes unable to leave Eiji’s face, he watched as the fireworks lighted up Eiji’s eyes in different colors. He could see Eiji struggling with himself and felt a deep pang of guilt for having caused it. Renji thought about what Eiji just said, about how he never thought about wanting Fuji to be there, and then about Eiji saying that he wouldn’t kiss him again if Renji didn’t want him to. Thinking about that last part made Renji’s chest tighten more, but it wasn’t because he was happy. Swallowing, Renji took a small step forward.
“…Eiji.” His hand slowly rose toward Eiji’s face. Renji didn’t have the courage to actually watch Eiji’s reaction - he was concentrating too much on trying to make his hand stop shaking. He reached closer, and closer - just a little more. But then he clenched his hand into a fist, dropping it to his side, and he stood there staring at the ground.
“…I’m sorry, Eiji.”
Eiji: Eiji nearly stopped breathing when Renji stepped closer. His heart beat faster and all he could think about was the look on Renji's face right now as his words hung in the air still, the gentle apology interrupted by the still-popping fireworks. He tried not to notice the way Renji's hand had been shaking as he lifted it, but he couldn't help it. This couldn't be it, he thought. Renji was shaking, for god's sake. Just like Eiji was starting to feel. Eiji reached out, not hesitating at all, and grabbed Renji's hand. He closed the distance and pressed his mouth to Renji's, still holding him by the hand. He could feel Renji resist, trying to stiffly pull back and Eiji pulled up his other hand, placing it on Renji's shoulder. After a few seconds, he pulled back, letting his hands drop. He lowered his eyes, a very small smile on his face and even smaller voice, "...Gomen, Renji. I lied. I had to kiss you one more time, nya." He brushed his hand against Renji's lightly.
Renji: Renji's hand reacted by itself when Eiji touched it, curling into a painfully tight fist. He couldn't believe that Eiji kissed him again, and a real kiss, not like the first one which was merely a brush of lips. Renji had tried to pull away, but found himself being held firmly by Eiji.
Not knowing what to do, Renji fell back on the bench, hands at his sides. He opened his mouth to speak only to have nothing come out - he had too many things to say, but couldn't decide where to start. Renji wanted to be like Eiji, to just go for what he wanted, but it was all too easy for simple things to become complicated.
Eiji: Eiji sighed and turned away again. He really should have known better, but he couldn't help it! He was sure that Renji would kiss him back that time. Maybe he was worse than he thought at reading signals. Wasn't Renji about to touch him just a moment ago? He knew he was. He couldn't push it anymore though. Angering Renji or upsetting him was the LAST thing he wanted to do. He sighed and closed his eyes, focusing his mind to be happy and his face to smile. When he was ready, he did just that. "Nyah Renji. It’s OK! I understand now. Are you ready to go? I think we should get going. It’s been a super long day, but I had fun. Did you?" Eiji turned a little and looked at Renji sideways, still smiling even though it hurt a bit.
Renji: It seemed like every single part of Renji were arguing with each other - his heart, his mind, his conscious, his practicality. They were all saying different things and Renji just wanted to know which one was right. He was so caught up that he barely heard anything that Eiji said, but did manage to catch the end when Eiji sat down next to him, all smiles. Renji could hear the sadness and hurt in Eiji's voice, and that only made Renji angry at himself.
"Eiji," he said as he sat there, barely moving, "I know...that you didn't want to get caught up in something complicated. So I apologize for turning this whole thing into one.”
Renji slowly turned his head to meet Eiji's gaze. "I don't care about me, Eiji. But I don't want you to have to deal with regret."
Eiji: Eiji closed his eyes softly, feeling his heart wrench painfully. Why, why, why had he done this? Not considered the consequences? No. He shook his head and pushed it from his mind. He was happy today, happier than he'd been in a long time. He wasn't going to let this ruin it.
"I don't regret anything, Renji-san." he said in a low voice. "I know I'm impulsive, but that is just who I am. But let's not do this. Let's forget the whole thing, okay? I didn't want to ruin the day. I just... I was having fun and I get affectionate and I thought kissing you was the best idea. I was wrong and I apologize again. Let's just...leave it be." Eiji looked up at Renji, pleading him to just let it go. He didn't want this day to end like this. "Please, Renji? Please? I really mean it. I won't do it again. We can pretend it never happened and we can just go on like it was before and it will not change a thing, okay? Please?" Please, he thought.
Renji: There was nothing Renji could do when Eiji looked up at him again, his eyes wide and full of a desperation that made Renji stop breathing. ‘I’m sorry, Eiji, for making you lose your smile.’ But Eiji just continued to look at him, as if the outcome of the world rested on his reply. ‘Oh, Eiji.'
"Oh, Eiji." Renji didn't realize he had said it out loud, and before he could stop himself, he reached forward and pulled Eiji towards him, wrapping his arms around him as tight as they would go, ignoring Eiji's squeak of surprise.
"Eiji, the truth is. What if somewhere along the line, one of us doesn’t want ‘not serious’ anymore while the other one still does? What are you going to do then?”
Renji refused to let go of Eiji, partly because he didn't want to, and partly because he didn't want to see what Eiji's face looked like just yet.
Eiji: Eiji was so surprised that Renji grabbed him like that. It felt so nice to be hugged. It had been a while since Eiji had been in a hug he had not initiated himself. It had been a while since someone had held him like this. He let himself relax just enough into Renji, but not too much that he got comfortable. He wanted to, though.
“Renji, it’s ok. Let's not talk about it. I don't want to make you do something you aren't sure about and I don't want this to be…nyah! Sooo serious! I just like you and if you like me, okay then! And we could just be. Just like that! I'm not asking for anything. Not anything you don't want to give me. I don’t want you to give me something that is not mine. But if there is a chance for…something, just for right now, then alright. I don't want anything to tie us down or keep us away from anything." Eiji realized he talked too much and he stopped talking. He held on to Renji just a little, not wanting to look up at him just yet. “Let’s just see what happens, okay?”
He felt bad now. He didn't want anyone to be hurt, but would they really? They were just friends! It was alright if he liked Renji and maybe kissed him sometimes, right? Eiji didn't know what to do. He pulled his head back and said, "Let's go okay? We should leave."
"Nothing serious, Renji...if you decide differently, that is alright with me, okay?"
Renji: Renji simply nodded against Eiji's shoulder and pulled away slowly. But he didn't want to let go completely so he slid his right hand down Eiji's arm and softly, barely grabbed onto Eiji's fingers.
"Okay, Eiji-kun. Let's go."