oh you pretty things,don't you know you're driving your mommas and poppas insane?
Can I ever stop punishing myself for deeds done long ago?
I generally don't even give it much thought,yet i can never shake the feeling that i'm too vile and toxic.I am my own whipping boy,lost in a sea of guilt and booze/drugs/shame.
I try to over-ride my conscience,but i still keep throwing up defensive walls against everyone,afraid that i'll poison them as well.This tends to end in me appearing even more bi-polar than ever,with sparse moments of real human connection infused with long,awkward periods of time where i almost completely shut down socially.
i could apologize a thousand times and it wouldn't ever be anywhere near enough.I've hurt so many people,failed so many...
I've improved alot lately,partly due to the fact that people need me.I'm always at my best then...but the entire time i'm fighting the urge to push you all away,certain that i'll infect and/or fail you.
Someone give me a fucking handbook for this mess.
I guess all i can do is to stay as focused as possible,actively working towards my goals.
The tricky part is not sabotaging myself at every turn and alienating myself from those i care about. I just wish i wasn't such a basket case at times.
Be patient,guys,please.
I'll be everything you need me to be in due time.i hope.
I generally don't even give it much thought,yet i can never shake the feeling that i'm too vile and toxic.I am my own whipping boy,lost in a sea of guilt and booze/drugs/shame.
I try to over-ride my conscience,but i still keep throwing up defensive walls against everyone,afraid that i'll poison them as well.This tends to end in me appearing even more bi-polar than ever,with sparse moments of real human connection infused with long,awkward periods of time where i almost completely shut down socially.
i could apologize a thousand times and it wouldn't ever be anywhere near enough.I've hurt so many people,failed so many...
I've improved alot lately,partly due to the fact that people need me.I'm always at my best then...but the entire time i'm fighting the urge to push you all away,certain that i'll infect and/or fail you.
Someone give me a fucking handbook for this mess.
I guess all i can do is to stay as focused as possible,actively working towards my goals.
The tricky part is not sabotaging myself at every turn and alienating myself from those i care about. I just wish i wasn't such a basket case at times.
Be patient,guys,please.
I'll be everything you need me to be in due time.i hope.