(no subject)
I feel emotionally drained right now. Im so tired of this up-and-down rollercoaster ride called life. Im tired of being caught up in ifs, ands, and buts. Im tired of needing a shoulder to cry on and having no one. I just wish I could go back two or three years and change everything. Start over again on a clean slate. Keep the same mind-set I used to have, forget about boys, and reach for my dreams. I used to have dreams, but I always thought they were impossible..so as I grew up, they changed into something more serious...goals. Things that I had to accomplish to be any kind of successful. Actually, I dont think there is such thing as success, or love, or happiness, or any of the stuff that is played out in movies time and time again. When God made me, I think I was just a dud. In the short time I have been out of high school, I have realized that I will never be who I want to be, I will never be understood, and I will always be gullible and ignorant. With each passing day I learn more and more about myself, yet still, I have no idea who I want to be or what path my life is headed in. I think Ive said this once before, but Im going to say it again. Think about some loser kid at your school. The ones who study all the time, don't have a lot of money, and have very little friends. I bet they are better off. They only have themselves, God, and their family. None of those folks will ever let them down. They dont have to deal with peer pressure or trying to withhold a reputation. No one will ever use them for money or sex. I don't know, it's just a thought. That makes me think about the way everything used to be. I remember when my boyfriend was proud of me, loved me, liked to be around me, and always had something positive to say. I remember when breaking up with me was the most horrible thing imaginable. I remember when raising his voice at me was unheard of. And I had never had the feeling of letting him down. Now, none of that is so...I guess the new definately has worn off by now. Worst of all, I have let him down..more than once. I dont think he can take much more of me, although I try my best. I want to hold on so bad, but maybe it will make his life a lot better if I werent in the picture. I think I just drag him down. Life without him seems so unrealistic, but I bet for him it's not the same. I am confused...I can remember [when I was younger] hearing ppl say that 'so-n-so' is such a cute couple because they are -just a like- and hearing ppl say that 'so-n-so' is such a cute couple because they are -so different-...so which one is the right one? My boyfriend and I have a little of both. We can be just a like, but completely different. I know all of these questions have answers, but I just cant seem to find them. Advice is appreciated. It would be cool to have someone, sort of an assistant, that just followed my life and told me who won what fight, who was wrong and who was right, give me the answers to life questions, and motivate me to exercise. Oh yea, and a genie in a bottle that will grant me three wishes. I would ask for 1) self-control 2) a positive outlook and 3) "to love and be loved in return."