I figure with no other alternative that is really tangible within the countours of my reality
it might as well behoove me to actually dictate in full part as corpus what I feel right now in my present existence.
A warning to some people that don't like reading convoluted things that are messy and distorted: THIS WILL BE VERY CONVOLUTED AND DISTORTED VENTING AND CONSEQUENTLY, IT WILL GET MESSY!
I have come to the conclusion that my existence revolves around simple premises that include the following: sit in chair, shower, sit in bed, eat, sleep, walk to work, do laundry *repeat* and the more that I go over this repetition the more I feel like my life in and of itself is a slavery bound to what little I can muster.
(1) My brain is ROTTING.
It is a revolting process that I am watching with the advance of my age. At first I lost my ability to absorb things as easily as I was able to and now I find that whatever it is I ever imagined for myself in the way that my life would be is all revolving around some vain hope that doesn't exist.
Maybe this is the point where I am giving up on my dreams in life. And I've had so much practicality forced down my throat by the masses, by parental units, by teachers and wannabe sages that I've found so little time to discover that real question: What do I want out of life?
I am very thankful for my present condition, however, and in spite of what I want for myself beyond work, I am happy to say that I even have something to work at - let alone the fact that I do it well.
(2) My spirit is dying
I am losing a zeal for things that I love. I haven't touched a piano in months - I don't have access to any musical instrument in California - and what little I can think of is just jotted down in a notepad for nobody else to look at.
(3) My body is sagging
I haven't gained that much weight - but 5 lbs extra makes a body wonder what is going on.
(4) I am losing sight of my goals - whatever those are
(5) I am abandoning the way of the Tao - which calls the whole point of existence into letting things run with the flow of the water - the way things go is the way you flow - I cannot do this for forever
Somewhere incessantly, my body/brain/spirit is calling for something more and more crucial to the point of existing as someone -
and not something
and not just anything -
some one who is someone
to some one who matters -
as something not ever as it were
but always as it is
Just as when I envisioned it to be
24 years ago.
A warning to some people that don't like reading convoluted things that are messy and distorted: THIS WILL BE VERY CONVOLUTED AND DISTORTED VENTING AND CONSEQUENTLY, IT WILL GET MESSY!
I have come to the conclusion that my existence revolves around simple premises that include the following: sit in chair, shower, sit in bed, eat, sleep, walk to work, do laundry *repeat* and the more that I go over this repetition the more I feel like my life in and of itself is a slavery bound to what little I can muster.
(1) My brain is ROTTING.
It is a revolting process that I am watching with the advance of my age. At first I lost my ability to absorb things as easily as I was able to and now I find that whatever it is I ever imagined for myself in the way that my life would be is all revolving around some vain hope that doesn't exist.
Maybe this is the point where I am giving up on my dreams in life. And I've had so much practicality forced down my throat by the masses, by parental units, by teachers and wannabe sages that I've found so little time to discover that real question: What do I want out of life?
I am very thankful for my present condition, however, and in spite of what I want for myself beyond work, I am happy to say that I even have something to work at - let alone the fact that I do it well.
(2) My spirit is dying
I am losing a zeal for things that I love. I haven't touched a piano in months - I don't have access to any musical instrument in California - and what little I can think of is just jotted down in a notepad for nobody else to look at.
(3) My body is sagging
I haven't gained that much weight - but 5 lbs extra makes a body wonder what is going on.
(4) I am losing sight of my goals - whatever those are
(5) I am abandoning the way of the Tao - which calls the whole point of existence into letting things run with the flow of the water - the way things go is the way you flow - I cannot do this for forever
Somewhere incessantly, my body/brain/spirit is calling for something more and more crucial to the point of existing as someone -
and not something
and not just anything -
some one who is someone
to some one who matters -
as something not ever as it were
but always as it is
Just as when I envisioned it to be
24 years ago.