(no subject)
Today is just the worst day...
I'm so stressed my stomach hurts. I really feel like a failure.
Today I went to my art class, and the teacher told everyone that we needed to get a calligraphy set, about $15, that day in order to participate in class. Of course, i didn't have any money so I went to my mom's office, but she wasn't there. I went back to my art class, empty handed, unprepared, and I just had to walk out. Just because I didn't have any money that day.
I am so disappointed in myself it hurts. I hate how I am so un-motivated. I hate how I always lose things. I hate how I never eat breakfast. I hate how I am so unforgetful and absent-minded. I hate how I am so flakey. I hate how I wake up 10 minutes before I have to leave the house. I hate how I neglect my homework. I hate how I never prioritize things. I hate how lazy I am. I hate how I always spend my moeny. I hate how I can't save my money. I hate how my room is always messy. I hate that I never want to go to class...and I hate how it's a great accomplishment to me if I finish one 3 hour drawing class. I hate how I should have an A in my drawing class. I hate that I should have an A in my math class...and my writing class. I hate how everyone has been having life-changing experiences in college except me. I hate how I keep worrying about the future, and how I want to change my major. Liberal Arts. What a complete turn in the opposite direction.
Everyone I know has been talking about how great college has been going for them. I assume they mostly mean the social aspect of it. I don't love college. It's just more school. I'm so tired of school, and tests and homeowork and essays and projects and papers and papers and papers and papers! BUt I have to keep at it. I'm not doing bad. But I feel like I am..when I don't go to class. I feel like a big fat loser. I have a good grade in Italian..probably an A or high B...and that's 5 units. I should get a good grade in math. But in writing, I didn't write two papers, when i easily could have. So I can't really expect anything higher than a c+. even though I actually like that class, and I've gotten A's on all the other papers. WTF is wrong with me?? It's like I had an A in that class..and then I deliberately screwed it up. I convinced myslef that I really didn't need to write that paper. uggggggggh. Drawing is actually my hardest class. He gives us assignments where we have to sit and draw for four hours at home...of a still life. Art history is interesting, but it is only based on tests..and they are really hard. THta's very risky stuff.
I am so disappointing right now, I even hate it when people ask me how school is going, my classes...how are your grades going? getting all A's? I'm not in fricken high school anymore and everyone expects me to do so well in college. well i'm not. i'm hopeless. it's not just school either. people always have to bring up money. which i have none of. on the way to a very stressul place(SDSU) apparently is also the perfect time to talk to me about other stressful things..my overdrawn checking account...what a nice way to start the morning.
Every time I say i'll do better next time. but i already know the same tihng will just happen again. so why bother...
ahhh gad i hate crying..
I'm so stressed my stomach hurts. I really feel like a failure.
Today I went to my art class, and the teacher told everyone that we needed to get a calligraphy set, about $15, that day in order to participate in class. Of course, i didn't have any money so I went to my mom's office, but she wasn't there. I went back to my art class, empty handed, unprepared, and I just had to walk out. Just because I didn't have any money that day.
I am so disappointed in myself it hurts. I hate how I am so un-motivated. I hate how I always lose things. I hate how I never eat breakfast. I hate how I am so unforgetful and absent-minded. I hate how I am so flakey. I hate how I wake up 10 minutes before I have to leave the house. I hate how I neglect my homework. I hate how I never prioritize things. I hate how lazy I am. I hate how I always spend my moeny. I hate how I can't save my money. I hate how my room is always messy. I hate that I never want to go to class...and I hate how it's a great accomplishment to me if I finish one 3 hour drawing class. I hate how I should have an A in my drawing class. I hate that I should have an A in my math class...and my writing class. I hate how everyone has been having life-changing experiences in college except me. I hate how I keep worrying about the future, and how I want to change my major. Liberal Arts. What a complete turn in the opposite direction.
Everyone I know has been talking about how great college has been going for them. I assume they mostly mean the social aspect of it. I don't love college. It's just more school. I'm so tired of school, and tests and homeowork and essays and projects and papers and papers and papers and papers! BUt I have to keep at it. I'm not doing bad. But I feel like I am..when I don't go to class. I feel like a big fat loser. I have a good grade in Italian..probably an A or high B...and that's 5 units. I should get a good grade in math. But in writing, I didn't write two papers, when i easily could have. So I can't really expect anything higher than a c+. even though I actually like that class, and I've gotten A's on all the other papers. WTF is wrong with me?? It's like I had an A in that class..and then I deliberately screwed it up. I convinced myslef that I really didn't need to write that paper. uggggggggh. Drawing is actually my hardest class. He gives us assignments where we have to sit and draw for four hours at home...of a still life. Art history is interesting, but it is only based on tests..and they are really hard. THta's very risky stuff.
I am so disappointing right now, I even hate it when people ask me how school is going, my classes...how are your grades going? getting all A's? I'm not in fricken high school anymore and everyone expects me to do so well in college. well i'm not. i'm hopeless. it's not just school either. people always have to bring up money. which i have none of. on the way to a very stressul place(SDSU) apparently is also the perfect time to talk to me about other stressful things..my overdrawn checking account...what a nice way to start the morning.
Every time I say i'll do better next time. but i already know the same tihng will just happen again. so why bother...
ahhh gad i hate crying..