A tour through depression
My depression has cycled back and as ever I have no idea where it came from. Though part of it is due to a social loneliness I feel here in Michigan. I am terrible at bonding with people. I am friendly and fun to talk to, a good listener, but I have yet to find someone here in MI that I can truly say is a good friend. I have friends and people I can hang out with on occassion, but there is no one I feel okay with calling up on any occassion I feel it necessary to say, hey want to come hang out, play games, get coffee, see random nerdy movie, go do something random in this horribly dead place called Lansing? I have a hard time letting people turly into my friendship. It's hard here. I am at an age that is not conducive to this city of Michigan. I am not a college student in need of booze and parties every night (though I absolutely adore the occasional dance club outing to consume numerous alcoholic beverages) Nor am I an older fellow who doesn't need more than his TV, Sports and some beer.
I have always been that way though. I was the type of kid you could give a cardboard box to and he would just play with it for hours on his own. There is one Video of me when I am young. The rest of the family is watching a movie and I am over in the corner wrestling a foldable chair. I plan my evenings based on the things I want to do. Often little projects I do here or there. Writing, some reading, setting up ideas for some continue hijinx for RPGs and such, or hashing out some new MtGathering deck that I will likely never get to play. I seriously plan out my hours of evening.
5-6pm make and eat dinner, 6-8pm do dorky fun stuff, 8-9pm work out, 9pm-hang out relax. It's what I do. ANd when something changes those plans I get a little miffed. Which is stupid, because that's the way I think anyway. I like a million things to come out at once and to sort them out and get them all done, which is why I want to -learn how to draw, learn the guitar, learn a language, read history books, make polymer clay stuff, take ceramic classes, learn to make claymation movies (notice a theme here), and a zillion other things I want to learn, plan, etc-
Needless to say, I had a bit of a breakdown the other night. Started crying for no real reason and couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried to breath deeply. I hate it when the chemicals in my body flip out like that, it totally throws me off. But it happens.
There's this theory I have. I call it the Tyler Durden Fantasy. I think many of us have that alter ego we wish we were. Skilled, ruthless, honest, unafraid, intelligent and confident or any other quality you might actually posess, but doesn't make itself as present as you would like when you would like it to. THat part of yourself you wish would come forward and kick ass.
Where's My Tyler Durden Now?
Already on Challenge #2 of a series of challenges between myself and Normdesplum. I rewrote Snow White in Present Day Southern California. It was based in a Burlesque Club and the Wicked Queen was a drag queen. I like it, though the tone changed. That's alright, we are merely writing shit drafts to send. We will edit later. My next challenge is "Billy Goats Gruff". Yeah, hmm...
I have always been that way though. I was the type of kid you could give a cardboard box to and he would just play with it for hours on his own. There is one Video of me when I am young. The rest of the family is watching a movie and I am over in the corner wrestling a foldable chair. I plan my evenings based on the things I want to do. Often little projects I do here or there. Writing, some reading, setting up ideas for some continue hijinx for RPGs and such, or hashing out some new MtGathering deck that I will likely never get to play. I seriously plan out my hours of evening.
5-6pm make and eat dinner, 6-8pm do dorky fun stuff, 8-9pm work out, 9pm-hang out relax. It's what I do. ANd when something changes those plans I get a little miffed. Which is stupid, because that's the way I think anyway. I like a million things to come out at once and to sort them out and get them all done, which is why I want to -learn how to draw, learn the guitar, learn a language, read history books, make polymer clay stuff, take ceramic classes, learn to make claymation movies (notice a theme here), and a zillion other things I want to learn, plan, etc-
Needless to say, I had a bit of a breakdown the other night. Started crying for no real reason and couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried to breath deeply. I hate it when the chemicals in my body flip out like that, it totally throws me off. But it happens.
There's this theory I have. I call it the Tyler Durden Fantasy. I think many of us have that alter ego we wish we were. Skilled, ruthless, honest, unafraid, intelligent and confident or any other quality you might actually posess, but doesn't make itself as present as you would like when you would like it to. THat part of yourself you wish would come forward and kick ass.
Where's My Tyler Durden Now?
Already on Challenge #2 of a series of challenges between myself and Normdesplum. I rewrote Snow White in Present Day Southern California. It was based in a Burlesque Club and the Wicked Queen was a drag queen. I like it, though the tone changed. That's alright, we are merely writing shit drafts to send. We will edit later. My next challenge is "Billy Goats Gruff". Yeah, hmm...