(no subject)
I thought I was over this four years ago
I went out with a girl in high school. I liked her a lot. But as most high school relationships go, it ended (I take full blame for this) and she went out with someone else the following year. Again, this is all very typical. Unfortunately, unlike most people who get over it in a couple of months/weeks, my post-relationship blues never seem to have truly disappeared. They would lie dormant for long streches of time, and all the sudden they would come back.
I've had major problems with depression as a teenager. I wasn't necessarily suicidal, but nevertheless I was pretty rough. I struggled with my grades, had a hard time with my parents/classmates, all that bullshit. I cut off all communication with my ex. At the time, I felt it was what I had to do, but I was a prick about it. Hell, I was angry. I was a stupid teenager who wrote shitty poetry and lyrics who thought he was 'deep' (slang, don't you know), drew edgy pictures blah blah cocks dicks.
After graduation, I wasn't getting a whole lot done. So I enrolled at Milwaukee Area Technical College in their Programmer/Analyst program. A year later, I finally got a job - sure, it's a shitty part-time-at-a-fast-food-place kind of job, but it was a JOB. That pays MONEY. Also, I dropped all that angsty shit. I felt much better about myself.
So, here's what I don't get: right now I should be fairly content and hopeful about my future: I'm employed, almost done with school, and -God Willing- will be out of the house in a apartment by my 22nd birthday. Or a little after. So why the fuck am I still angsting over some trivial high school relationship that I fucked up? I should be over this. I never gave it a thought until recently.
My theories:
1.) I have slowly (with my psychiatrist's guidance) decreased my paroxetine dosage and am switching to WellButtrin (god I hope I spelt that right). Maybe this is having some effect?
2.) My ex had appeared in my dreams before this came up again. This might be having an adverse effect on me.
3.) This is all typical Valentine's Day shit for people who are single.
4.) My ex is a psychic vampire.
Any thoughts?
I went out with a girl in high school. I liked her a lot. But as most high school relationships go, it ended (I take full blame for this) and she went out with someone else the following year. Again, this is all very typical. Unfortunately, unlike most people who get over it in a couple of months/weeks, my post-relationship blues never seem to have truly disappeared. They would lie dormant for long streches of time, and all the sudden they would come back.
I've had major problems with depression as a teenager. I wasn't necessarily suicidal, but nevertheless I was pretty rough. I struggled with my grades, had a hard time with my parents/classmates, all that bullshit. I cut off all communication with my ex. At the time, I felt it was what I had to do, but I was a prick about it. Hell, I was angry. I was a stupid teenager who wrote shitty poetry and lyrics who thought he was 'deep' (slang, don't you know), drew edgy pictures blah blah cocks dicks.
After graduation, I wasn't getting a whole lot done. So I enrolled at Milwaukee Area Technical College in their Programmer/Analyst program. A year later, I finally got a job - sure, it's a shitty part-time-at-a-fast-food-place kind of job, but it was a JOB. That pays MONEY. Also, I dropped all that angsty shit. I felt much better about myself.
So, here's what I don't get: right now I should be fairly content and hopeful about my future: I'm employed, almost done with school, and -God Willing- will be out of the house in a apartment by my 22nd birthday. Or a little after. So why the fuck am I still angsting over some trivial high school relationship that I fucked up? I should be over this. I never gave it a thought until recently.
My theories:
1.) I have slowly (with my psychiatrist's guidance) decreased my paroxetine dosage and am switching to WellButtrin (god I hope I spelt that right). Maybe this is having some effect?
2.) My ex had appeared in my dreams before this came up again. This might be having an adverse effect on me.
3.) This is all typical Valentine's Day shit for people who are single.
4.) My ex is a psychic vampire.
Any thoughts?