Eurovision '09.
Don't you fucking think I'm back to posting actual entries. I just need to spread the love.
The Eurovision Song Contest 2009 is coming up. And I had too much time. Behold:
Albania - Poetic Eurodance with a miniscule amount of Balkan beats. Failure.
Andorra - Lindsay Lohan sure has gotten fat. And picked up some Spanish. Failed to qualify for the final.
Armenia - Why? Why? WHY? The lyrics are an important addition to the discourse started by The Killers on why humans must dance.
Azerbaijan - It's Ricky Martin from the Caucasus, manifesting itself both in its male and female form. Horrible.
Belarus - Its face scares me. Jon Bon Jovi meets your average Finnish rock entry. Failed to qualify for the final.
Belgium - It's not terribly annoying. That's more than you can say about the vast majority of entries, and it's all I'm going to say about this one. Failed to qualify for the final.
Bosnia & Hercegovina - What's with the... hymnic mood and the red flags? Am I on to something here? I'm not the biggest fan of the vocals, but the tune is fine.
Bulgaria - Army of Lovers in suck? Failed to qualify for the final.
Croatia - Slow Balkan music. No one needs it really, but it won't make me rip my ears out.
Cyprus - It's a fine not-in-your-face pop song. It's only real downside is that it could be from pretty much anywhere, being played on the radio with nothing to set it apart. The dude in the video looks like a Yugoslav war criminal. Failed to qualify for the final.
Czech Republic - This would work so much better if it wasn't in English, because hey, I'd rather not understand you. Cut the almost-rapping as well while you're at it. Failed to qualify for the final.
Denmark - This song was written by Ronan Keating, and for a second I thought he performed it too. Get out my Eurovision and get back on radio's heavy rotation, will you?
Estonia - I like it. Nice strings, good vocals, not singing in English - too quiet and inconspicious to have a shot at winning, but a large chance to appear on my playlist from time to time.
Finland - Glad the Finnish finally discovered there's music beyond "metal". A shame their discovery had to be 90's Eurodance. What's with all the social commentary in the video?
France - The only contestant in the field that's actually well-known internationally - the same approach failed for the French last year. A decent song, though, and more suited to the show than Sébastien Tellier. Will do very well.
Germany - Germans don't learn. I can't decide whether I have to be more amazed at the singer's nipples, the other dude's (whatever the fuck he's doing) moustache or the noise that's supposed to pass off as music. Make it go away.
Greece - Just when I hoped it ended, little pretty boy launched right back into the chorus for the 57th time. It comes as no surprise.
Hungary - Too much disco after a promising electro intro. Contender for the annual Eurovision Gay Costume award. Failed to qualify for the final, giving me back hope in the viewership.
Iceland - It's a ballad. From a scandinavian country. Surprising shit.
Ireland - It's Busted with boys instead of girls! Yours truly, "hoping that the pain will go away." Et cetera. Failed to qualify for the final.
Israel - Very unspectacular, which - considering how many other bands spectacularly suck - could be regarded as a good sign. I appreciate parts of the verses, the sole English line being repeated gets on my nerves though.
Latvia - Ripping off a Fatboy Slim video. Okay radio rock tune. Failed to qualify for the final.
Lithuania - Doesn't start off too bad if you manage to ignore the lyrics, but gets progressively mroe boring and finally, annoying. Could be from anywhere. Bonus points from the audience for the pretty face and the attempt to better the world.
Macedonia - Hair-crime! Bringing back the 80's. Too repetitive, but endurable. Failed to qualify for the final.
Malta - Now this is a classic Eurovision song: predictable to the smallest detail with a clear buildup and climax, without any fancy ideas. Try again twenty years ago.
Moldova - Finally a song with a large amount of ethno-content. I love the catchy chorus with the brass instruments and the "hey, hey"-cries, but the verses fall somewhat short. More of this kind of stuff, less of the bland ballads sung in English with an excessive amount of blue background lighting, please!
Montenegro - Just get out of my life, Andrea Demirović. Failed to qualify for the final.
Netherlands - Let's use some alliterations, shall we? A middle-aged boyband. Amusing haircuts. Amazing special effects. An annoying tune. And more poetry: "Love will make us glow in the dark, so open up your heart - are you ready for a brand new start?". (Thankfully) failed to qualify for the final.
Norway - This is not nearly as bad as I initially thought (come on, it [i]is[/i] Norway). A easy-going pop tune, that would be fairly unremarkable if it wasn't for fiddles, which add a nice touch. The kid's a looker, which will attract not too few votes.
Poland - "I can feel the words I feels inside so deep, when the clouds come out I feel so incomplete." Contender for the annual Eurovision Poetry award. A ballad, about as common as they come, but I expected it to finish up very high because a) common is one of the lowest common denominator among the Eurovision viewership (besides piss-taking and overproduced pop) and b) the girl is the least ugly of the lot. Failed to qualify for the final.
Portugal - I don't mind hippies. This is a nice piece of (I assume) traditional folk music. Nothing outstanding, but a fine tune to listen to once in a while.
Romania - Someone stole the drums from Bulgaria's 2007 entry and put the most irrelevant pop singer imaginable over it. Awful.
Russia - As expected, Russia delivers with a modern, catchy pop song and has a good chance at defending the title.
Serbia - Creepy. Stands out, I'm not really sure in what way (although I have the feeling it's going to grow on me) - but it's not more of the same, which is a good thing. Failed to qualify for the final.
Slovakia - I really like this, and I thought I wasn't going to be the only one. Failed to qualify for the final.
Slovenia - Somewhere, last week in Slovenia, the composers of this song received an anonymous notice that apparently, Eurovision songs require some singing to do well. So they went and added vocals to the quite cool string quartet and thus managed to ruin the song. Failed to qualify for the final.
Spain - Someone's fishing for Balkan votes. And that's about the only positive thing I have to say about this song.
Sweden - I don't mind the chorus at all, but the verses were a horrible experience. Also, make her/him/it stop staring like that.
Switzerland - What's with all the jerking and jumping (and headbanging!) in the video? You're not rocking [i]that[/i] much, Lovebugs. About as much as Phil Collins, to be more exact. Failed to qualify for the final.
Turkey - The chorus reminds me of the Vengaboys. As do the singer's looks. Not exactly the kind of association you'd want to go for.
Ukraine - Trying very hard to win the men's vote, without really needing to: a cool beat and non-annoying vocals that luckily can't be understood except for the chorus. I can see myself dancing to this on Saturday, given the right amount of alcohol.
United Kingdom - Second time in a row the Britains aren't sending a piss-take entry, and I kind of wish they'd be rewarded for it this time around. Unfortunately that would require sending in something more original or energetic - this is just not going to cut it.
Be sure to tune in tomorrow at 6pm GMT!
The Eurovision Song Contest 2009 is coming up. And I had too much time. Behold:
Albania - Poetic Eurodance with a miniscule amount of Balkan beats. Failure.
Andorra - Lindsay Lohan sure has gotten fat. And picked up some Spanish. Failed to qualify for the final.
Armenia - Why? Why? WHY? The lyrics are an important addition to the discourse started by The Killers on why humans must dance.
Azerbaijan - It's Ricky Martin from the Caucasus, manifesting itself both in its male and female form. Horrible.
Belarus - Its face scares me. Jon Bon Jovi meets your average Finnish rock entry. Failed to qualify for the final.
Belgium - It's not terribly annoying. That's more than you can say about the vast majority of entries, and it's all I'm going to say about this one. Failed to qualify for the final.
Bosnia & Hercegovina - What's with the... hymnic mood and the red flags? Am I on to something here? I'm not the biggest fan of the vocals, but the tune is fine.
Bulgaria - Army of Lovers in suck? Failed to qualify for the final.
Croatia - Slow Balkan music. No one needs it really, but it won't make me rip my ears out.
Cyprus - It's a fine not-in-your-face pop song. It's only real downside is that it could be from pretty much anywhere, being played on the radio with nothing to set it apart. The dude in the video looks like a Yugoslav war criminal. Failed to qualify for the final.
Czech Republic - This would work so much better if it wasn't in English, because hey, I'd rather not understand you. Cut the almost-rapping as well while you're at it. Failed to qualify for the final.
Denmark - This song was written by Ronan Keating, and for a second I thought he performed it too. Get out my Eurovision and get back on radio's heavy rotation, will you?
Estonia - I like it. Nice strings, good vocals, not singing in English - too quiet and inconspicious to have a shot at winning, but a large chance to appear on my playlist from time to time.
Finland - Glad the Finnish finally discovered there's music beyond "metal". A shame their discovery had to be 90's Eurodance. What's with all the social commentary in the video?
France - The only contestant in the field that's actually well-known internationally - the same approach failed for the French last year. A decent song, though, and more suited to the show than Sébastien Tellier. Will do very well.
Germany - Germans don't learn. I can't decide whether I have to be more amazed at the singer's nipples, the other dude's (whatever the fuck he's doing) moustache or the noise that's supposed to pass off as music. Make it go away.
Greece - Just when I hoped it ended, little pretty boy launched right back into the chorus for the 57th time. It comes as no surprise.
Hungary - Too much disco after a promising electro intro. Contender for the annual Eurovision Gay Costume award. Failed to qualify for the final, giving me back hope in the viewership.
Iceland - It's a ballad. From a scandinavian country. Surprising shit.
Ireland - It's Busted with boys instead of girls! Yours truly, "hoping that the pain will go away." Et cetera. Failed to qualify for the final.
Israel - Very unspectacular, which - considering how many other bands spectacularly suck - could be regarded as a good sign. I appreciate parts of the verses, the sole English line being repeated gets on my nerves though.
Latvia - Ripping off a Fatboy Slim video. Okay radio rock tune. Failed to qualify for the final.
Lithuania - Doesn't start off too bad if you manage to ignore the lyrics, but gets progressively mroe boring and finally, annoying. Could be from anywhere. Bonus points from the audience for the pretty face and the attempt to better the world.
Macedonia - Hair-crime! Bringing back the 80's. Too repetitive, but endurable. Failed to qualify for the final.
Malta - Now this is a classic Eurovision song: predictable to the smallest detail with a clear buildup and climax, without any fancy ideas. Try again twenty years ago.
Moldova - Finally a song with a large amount of ethno-content. I love the catchy chorus with the brass instruments and the "hey, hey"-cries, but the verses fall somewhat short. More of this kind of stuff, less of the bland ballads sung in English with an excessive amount of blue background lighting, please!
Montenegro - Just get out of my life, Andrea Demirović. Failed to qualify for the final.
Netherlands - Let's use some alliterations, shall we? A middle-aged boyband. Amusing haircuts. Amazing special effects. An annoying tune. And more poetry: "Love will make us glow in the dark, so open up your heart - are you ready for a brand new start?". (Thankfully) failed to qualify for the final.
Norway - This is not nearly as bad as I initially thought (come on, it [i]is[/i] Norway). A easy-going pop tune, that would be fairly unremarkable if it wasn't for fiddles, which add a nice touch. The kid's a looker, which will attract not too few votes.
Poland - "I can feel the words I feels inside so deep, when the clouds come out I feel so incomplete." Contender for the annual Eurovision Poetry award. A ballad, about as common as they come, but I expected it to finish up very high because a) common is one of the lowest common denominator among the Eurovision viewership (besides piss-taking and overproduced pop) and b) the girl is the least ugly of the lot. Failed to qualify for the final.
Portugal - I don't mind hippies. This is a nice piece of (I assume) traditional folk music. Nothing outstanding, but a fine tune to listen to once in a while.
Romania - Someone stole the drums from Bulgaria's 2007 entry and put the most irrelevant pop singer imaginable over it. Awful.
Russia - As expected, Russia delivers with a modern, catchy pop song and has a good chance at defending the title.
Serbia - Creepy. Stands out, I'm not really sure in what way (although I have the feeling it's going to grow on me) - but it's not more of the same, which is a good thing. Failed to qualify for the final.
Slovakia - I really like this, and I thought I wasn't going to be the only one. Failed to qualify for the final.
Slovenia - Somewhere, last week in Slovenia, the composers of this song received an anonymous notice that apparently, Eurovision songs require some singing to do well. So they went and added vocals to the quite cool string quartet and thus managed to ruin the song. Failed to qualify for the final.
Spain - Someone's fishing for Balkan votes. And that's about the only positive thing I have to say about this song.
Sweden - I don't mind the chorus at all, but the verses were a horrible experience. Also, make her/him/it stop staring like that.
Switzerland - What's with all the jerking and jumping (and headbanging!) in the video? You're not rocking [i]that[/i] much, Lovebugs. About as much as Phil Collins, to be more exact. Failed to qualify for the final.
Turkey - The chorus reminds me of the Vengaboys. As do the singer's looks. Not exactly the kind of association you'd want to go for.
Ukraine - Trying very hard to win the men's vote, without really needing to: a cool beat and non-annoying vocals that luckily can't be understood except for the chorus. I can see myself dancing to this on Saturday, given the right amount of alcohol.
United Kingdom - Second time in a row the Britains aren't sending a piss-take entry, and I kind of wish they'd be rewarded for it this time around. Unfortunately that would require sending in something more original or energetic - this is just not going to cut it.
Be sure to tune in tomorrow at 6pm GMT!