The cold, hard truth
You're right about a lot of things. Most, actually. I won't lie and say you don't know me, you don't know how I feel, I didn't love you. I never claimed to not love you, I told you I loved and cared about you - it was just never enough. I never fell in love with you, and there is a large difference between the two, whether you want to believe that or not.
The thing is, you're missing a big piece of the puzzle. I'm trying my best to not hurt you, not crush you, but I can see now that no matter how much you may care for someone, you can't act that way in a break up. You can't be careful and try to not hurt their feelings, because if things aren't as painful as they can be, you'll still have hope. Reading my old journals yesterday, I realized even when you're crushed completely, a part of you still hopes - it's what keeps you alive.
I met someone else. Not in a I'm-falling-in-love-with-you sort of way, not in a please-replace-my-boyfriend way, at this point we're just friends. But it's weird, because when I hang out with him, or we look at each other, I see a spark of potential that I never saw in our relationship. A connection that's different than the comfortable compatibility we always had.
I'm not saying I'm running off with someone else, I'm not ready to get in another relationship for at least a few more months. I need to focus on myself and getting through this rough situation. But since we broke up, I've realized something. All those times I hated marriage, I hated people having kids, I hated people settling down and growing up? A part of me hated it and didn't ever want to do it myself because a part of me knew I didn't want that with you. I know that sounds awful, and probably will cut you deeper than I have yet, but it's true. I can see myself wanting those things some day, with the right person. My mind has always wandered in this relationship, I've always looked at other people, I've always become frustrated with myself for not being content with what I had. The thing is, although everyone always has doubts and relationships are never perfect, when you're really in love with someone it's not hard to be true to them and it's not hard to just be happy with them. I was happy with you, and at times you were the only thing in my world keeping me from depression and the depths of my own mind. But a part of me knew I needed more. I needed someone I adored, someone that I missed when I wasn't around them, someone I wanted to spoil. You know as well as I do that I didn't feel that way for you, you hated me for it. You doubted our relationship because a part of you could see that I wasn't really all in. And you were.
So, I'm a bitch. I'm selfish. I'm a whore. I know, I know. But I have to do what's right for me, and I have to trust my instincts. I've gone against them for so long, and it's only hurt me and even worse, you. I'm done, Chet. I'm moving on, and I'm not coming back. It breaks my heart because I know this means I have to lose my best friend, the person who knows me best, but it's what I have to do. I know you'll hate me, and that will hurt, but I'm tough.
And I won't be surprised when I get home tonight and you're slamming shit and yelling. Maybe you should leave tonight, clear your head by spending time with your family.
I'm not that Katy Perry song, and even if I was, someone who's hot and then cold so often isn't really in love with the person they're with.
The thing is, you're missing a big piece of the puzzle. I'm trying my best to not hurt you, not crush you, but I can see now that no matter how much you may care for someone, you can't act that way in a break up. You can't be careful and try to not hurt their feelings, because if things aren't as painful as they can be, you'll still have hope. Reading my old journals yesterday, I realized even when you're crushed completely, a part of you still hopes - it's what keeps you alive.
I met someone else. Not in a I'm-falling-in-love-with-you sort of way, not in a please-replace-my-boyfriend way, at this point we're just friends. But it's weird, because when I hang out with him, or we look at each other, I see a spark of potential that I never saw in our relationship. A connection that's different than the comfortable compatibility we always had.
I'm not saying I'm running off with someone else, I'm not ready to get in another relationship for at least a few more months. I need to focus on myself and getting through this rough situation. But since we broke up, I've realized something. All those times I hated marriage, I hated people having kids, I hated people settling down and growing up? A part of me hated it and didn't ever want to do it myself because a part of me knew I didn't want that with you. I know that sounds awful, and probably will cut you deeper than I have yet, but it's true. I can see myself wanting those things some day, with the right person. My mind has always wandered in this relationship, I've always looked at other people, I've always become frustrated with myself for not being content with what I had. The thing is, although everyone always has doubts and relationships are never perfect, when you're really in love with someone it's not hard to be true to them and it's not hard to just be happy with them. I was happy with you, and at times you were the only thing in my world keeping me from depression and the depths of my own mind. But a part of me knew I needed more. I needed someone I adored, someone that I missed when I wasn't around them, someone I wanted to spoil. You know as well as I do that I didn't feel that way for you, you hated me for it. You doubted our relationship because a part of you could see that I wasn't really all in. And you were.
So, I'm a bitch. I'm selfish. I'm a whore. I know, I know. But I have to do what's right for me, and I have to trust my instincts. I've gone against them for so long, and it's only hurt me and even worse, you. I'm done, Chet. I'm moving on, and I'm not coming back. It breaks my heart because I know this means I have to lose my best friend, the person who knows me best, but it's what I have to do. I know you'll hate me, and that will hurt, but I'm tough.
And I won't be surprised when I get home tonight and you're slamming shit and yelling. Maybe you should leave tonight, clear your head by spending time with your family.
I'm not that Katy Perry song, and even if I was, someone who's hot and then cold so often isn't really in love with the person they're with.