It's such a pity Gilbert never had chance to introduce queer relationship complications into his operas. Some time ago now, somebody (possibly
anotherusedpage?) proposed that the following should be written, but as far as I recall, it never happened. It's a rewrite of one of the songs in Patience (the one that becomes the Act 2 Finale, in fact), in which the three pompous dragoons are discussing how best to organize the inevitable coupling-off....
Oh, and for the benefit of the hacks, I've used sympath-igh rather than sympath-ee. Feel free to argue amongst yourselves ;)
DUKE
If Saphir I choose to marry,
I shall be fixed up for life;
Then the Colonel need not tarry,
Angela can be his wife.
MAJOR
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die -
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathigh!
ALL
He/I will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathigh!
COLONEL
But our pref'rences, I'll wager,
Aren't as plain as they appear:
See, I'm sleeping with the Major;
Angela is with Saphir!
DUKE
In that case unprecedented,
Single I must live and die -
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathigh!
ALL
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathigh!
MAJOR
Though the Colonel loves me tender,
I must risk a stern rebuke-
For I mean to change my gender,
Which would put me with the Duke!
COLONEL
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die -
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathigh!
ALL
He will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathigh!
Enter BUNTHORNE.
BUNTHORNE
Such monogamy's oppressive;
Our affections should be free!
To be jealous and possessive
Is a form of burglary!
All join hands in blissful disregard of gender or sexual preference....
ALL
In that case unprecedented,
We'll identify as bi -
And we'll have to be contented
With enforced polygamigh!
Greatly pleased with all our lovers
To get married we decide.
Each of us will wed the others,
Ev'ryone be Bunthorne's Bride!