Ego...
Since I was little, people who have been responsible for me were always trying to figure out how to motivate me. It has been somewhat enigmatic, as what worked for a day, a week, or even several months simply didn't do the job anymore. As I got older, I just attributed it to having too many interests or just getting bored easily. The fact is, it's been something bugging me for over 20 years. I'm 31 now (I didn't think much about it as a kid), and I'm my own boss. That means finding the motivation has fallen to me completely. It's more than just an annoyance now...it's damn frustrating. It affects my job, school, my friends, and everything else in my life. No matter how much I like or want something, at some point it just doesn't matter to me anymore. This does some really messed-up things to my productivity and my cash flow as well as my relationships (friendly, romantically, or otherwise).
Today, I "tweeted" on my business account (Twitter.com/jerryscompsvc) about a problem I'd been having with a friend's computer. It took me months to find a solution that, now, seems completely obvious. It's something I'd dealt with before elsewhere, but somehow missed something critical that was staring me in the face. I know..."it happens to everyone". Keep in mind that this phrase DOES NOT HELP when dealing with guys...read a book on E.D. sometime. It's somewhat of an ego thing. Male egos are big, but fragile...compare him to "everyone" as an equal, he feels lesser, not greater (as many women would, being told the same)*.
Digression aside...
I'm damn good at what I do. If anyone hears me say it, the reason is two-fold. First, shameless self-promotion is really the best way (short of referrals, of course) to build new business when you work more or less solo. If I don't believe in the product, nobody else will! Second, I've found that one who repeats something often enough without (or sometimes even in spite of) external contradiction, it really does begin to stick.
I've been an introvert all my life. The times I tried to fake it were either disasterous or just plain embarrasing. Instead, I've found that fixing something worth fixing, and being proud if it, is a better motivator than almost anything else. At least, it's consistent. I'm not one to give up easily on a problem...which makes some jobs harder. When I'm on a roll, I hate just stopping because I'm told "I can't afford another hour...will this take much longer?" I can't just keep going and charge anyway, but leaving it unfinished means the job failed, the client is unhappy, and I don't get paid. So...I end up telling them I've "stopped the clock". I've lost more billable hours that way...
The good news is that the job getting done makes me happy and keeps the clients (more or less) satisfied. I'd rather have a reputation as a pitbull than a union contract worker...
Anyway, it's strange...I've also found that although I do enjoy praise, sometimes it can be over-done. That actually works against the cause. It's a really bizarre situation. I guess I have an internal meter that gauges what level of recognition or congratulations or whatever is expected and at what point it feels artificial or exaggerated. For me, knowing people noticed on some level is fine. Even on Twitter, just one person offering a suggestion when applicable is enough. It means I'm relevant. Yeah, I know all about basing one's value on the opinions of others...that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about mattering on a grander scale than just my own little world. I don' want vast fortunes or fame. A good, reasonably padded income with notariety in my field is what I'd like. Sure, I'll take rich if I can get it, but the idea is being able to do what I want, with or for whomever I want, whenever I so feel like it. THAT would be great! That's the plan. Problem is...the plan is missing a few steps. Still working on the part between "fix computers" and "generate money". Yes, they link...but there's not enough time in a day to fix enough computers to get there. I need something more. I just need to figure out what.
Well, though it might not generate money itself, I think motivationally, I need to start a business blog. I realize that sounds silly, considering how infrequently I post to this one, but I think linking Twitter to that, then expanding upon the tweets and jobs in more detail will help me remember steps taken for a fix, have documentation in better format than just quick notes, and let others see what it is I actually do. That's something else...
I used to get a bit "put-on-the-spot" when asked "what's taking so long", or something of the sort. Since I get a little hypoglycemic when I've been working for a long time, the brain slows and responses are uncertain. This does NOT build confidence in either direction as I even start questioning myself about it. Lately, I've been taking notes. Yeah, I should have been already, but there it is. I mean, I did...but it was only what was wrong and whether it was fixed. Now, I build a checklist of action items. This helps in obvious ways, but also when a client suddenly remembers this other issue they've been having. I used to let that sidetrack me. Now, I add it to the list. I look for possible (likely) links between problems and prioritize. It takes a concentrated effort, as I like to just jump in and do, but then when asked what I did, I just mention what worked, not everything I did first. This makes it sound overly simple and like I took too long to do it. With the notes, I can explain what I tried, why I tried it, and why it took however long to do it. Despite my knee-jerk interpretation of "you're wasting my time and money", most people are simply curious as to just how bad the situation is/was and if they made the right call getting a professional. At least I now can help alleviate some of that concern.
What's funny is that my brain doesn't like unsolved things. When I have trouble fixing something, my feeling is that of inadequacy and that I start feeling like the client's confidence in me is wavering. I found out, however, that my being stumped, no matter how brief at times, is actually reassuring to many as their thoughts aren't so much "man, this guy sucks", but rather "Wow...if he's stumped, I never had a chance! Good thing I called!" this makes me happy. I mean, I suppose it was logical, as the easiest and shortest jobs often ended with a "wait...that's all it was???" and a look of "great, that was NOT worth calling a pro".
Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not in favor of extending a job just to make it look harder. I do, however, try to at least give them a bit extra in terms of "hey, you're paying for an hour anyway, let's do a little cleanup." This seems to help at least somewhat...it's hard to feel "taken for a ride" if the person "driving" actually works for the full hour. I also try to mitigate the "stupid user" feeling people get on jobs like that by reminding them that "intelligence has nothing to do with it...if this were really that easy, I'd be out of a job!"
Look, even doctors and lawyers do boneheaded things on a computer that the average web surfer would look at and think "WTF...are you really that stupid?" The issue isn't smart or stupid...actual idiots don't get MDs or pass the BAR. They simply lack knowledge in a particular field...often many fields...due to heavily specializing in their own. The more dedicated someone is to total mastery of anything, the less they can know about other things. It's a matter of priority.
Myself? I'm ok knowing there's others out there that can do the things I do better than I can...but I dare to find even one that can do them ALL better. That belief is what helps keep my ego balanced. I can help it grow, make it stronger, without letting it get the better of me. Just as with a child, whipping your ego won't help any more than over-feeding it. Confidence comes from knowing your strengths AND weaknesses. One cannot be over-sensitive to criticism (internal or external) and expect to live a healthy and fulfilling life.
I know several people who suffer from depression. Some worse than others. I've not experienced it to the same extent, but I do know what it feels like. It's kinda like your ego gets a stomach virus...no matter how gentle you are with it, no matter how little you feed it at a time, it all comes right back up. Antidepressants are just like the stuff the doctors give for easing the nausea...they help, but they can't cure. It's a virus...you can't cure it (yet)! All you can do is use the time your ego is healthy to feed it. It'll get sick again, but keep it healthy when you can and it won't stay sick as long or feel quite as bad. A weird analogy, perhaps, but it fits...and I've seen it work!
My best friend is a perfect example. She went from the "cranky bag-lady bean-counter" to the "eccentric and opinionated artist". She still won't let her ego outside, but it's at least no longer locked in the basement! I can even hear it playing around inside sometimes when she's not paying attention. (wow...that kid analogy really does work here!!!)
I've been trying to feed my ego more often, but it's had a head-cold lately. Apparently the changing weather affects it as it does the rest of me...
The point is, I'm damn good at what I do. I'm not the best at everything, but what fun would that be? Life without challenge is pointless and boring. I just know that, when I really want to, I do great things. Yay me! (ok, you can stop laughing now...my ego's still sleeping off that cold...you'll wake him up and I won't be able to get anything done)
Wow...I have GOT to post more often...that was a lot!
*Note: I did not say "all" women, nor is my experience intended to represent gospel truth. Just sayin'...
Posted via LiveJournal.app.