Wanting...
It's been a really strange couple weeks lately. The past week and a half, in particular. Not a bad week (for me), but very strange. I suppose I should explain...
Business has been great lately. After a month-and-a-half drought, I'm actually able to pay bills and such again properly. A good feeling to have. What's better, though, is knowing I helped people with their problems, even if it was just their computers. Hearing their joy at getting the situation resolved is worth more to me than the check I collect for the service. Unfortunately, that feeling can't pay rent, so I still collect the check. There's nothing weird about this for me, but it is related...bear with me.
In my off-time, I realize I should be doing more to grow the business and such since my "off time" is any time I'm not actually on a job. That's more often than not, so I have plenty, technically. What I tend to do, instead, is absorb myself into some fictional world. Video games, computer games, manga, books, anime, whatever. Sometimes, it's tabletop gaming with friends (which I love, though more for the gathering than the gaming), but most often it's something I do alone. It's not a lonely thing because when I'm absorbed in those stories, I'm pulled in totally and might as well actually be there. Yeah, I feel more like a specter that can only watch, but not interact, yet I'm still there. The better the story, the more drawn in I get...and the longer the impression lasts. Yes, I'm going somewhere with this...just a bit more.
For the past couple weeks, I've withdrawn from some friends of mine for reasons even I don't know. Mainly, I guess it's due to online gaming and how sometimes I just lose all interest in it completely and since that's what we do most as a group, I lose touch with them. I shouldn't, but there it is. Instead, I've gone on anime-watching marathons. I'm talking hours upon hours in a row of entire series. Although many would call this wasted hours, I can honestly say that at no point do I feel it was wasteful. Although not all the stories I've seen were relevant or deep in meaning, they each had a place and, if I finished it, gave me something I didn't have before. Everyone has something that does that for them. For me, it's fiction. More often that not, Japanese-written (though the English translations are often made with many liberties to creative license, so some of the original meaning is lost, but that can't be helped...the languages and cultures are just too different for perfect translation).
As of the past couple days, I've watched a few "supernatural romantic drama" anime. Understand one thing...that means something completely different between American and Japanese (or maybe just anime) fiction. "Romantic" doesn't always mean roses and candle-lit dinners. In fact, it rarely seems to. The term "romantic" seems to mean simply the deeper feelings between people who are close to each other, bonded for life. This includes friends, family, and significant others. It's a much broader term from what I've seen. Although our culture hasn't "corrupted" the term itself, we've simply given it a shallow connotation. But I digress...(as I tend to a lot, as I'm sure you've noted)
The stories I'm referring to often have sad or tragic elements woven into a tapestry that pulls at the heart and ends with a miracle. Sometimes the guy "gets the girl", but sometimes it's just how hardship and tragedy can really turn people around. If a good person dies, yes, it's tragic...but is that simply all it is? If you look closely, miracles are hidden everywhere, but the biggest ones are wrapped in tragedy. When a good person dies, everyone around them feels the loss...yet, those that fight through the sadness and remember the person lost find new meaning in words spoken in the past. Some find a new reason to live. Some even realize they still have time to fix something they've been putting off...like contacting an estranged parent or something like that. Those moments give the tragedy meaning, though rarely do people realize that the sudden loss is what made them stronger. This is not to say tragedy is good, but when someone asks "why do bad things happen to good people?", I believe this is why. God, or whomever/whatever you believe in, knows that sometimes it takes a tragedy to make people think...to realize what they have and what they still must do. Look at 9/11/2001...the worst single man-made tragedy in the history of our country since the Civil War. Those with the ability to see it objectively realized that we ended up with the best possible worst-case-scenario. What I mean by that is, of the 50,000 person per building capacity, only a small percentage were actually in that building. That's not to say it was a miracle, but look at how many people dies vs how many people COULD HAVE died and didn't. By all rights, more than 20,000 people should probably be dead now. I believe that IS a miracle. Not only that, but look at how everyone pulled together in the aftermath. Red, white, and blue were strewn and proudly displayed all over our country. I think the days that followed, our country was more unified than it ever had been before. It showed that no matter how you felt about the politics here, we're all still American and damn proud of it. Wow...digression abounds today. I swear, this wasn't what I was getting at...let me get back on track here.
Although nobody close to me has died recently, for which I am very thankful, two friends of mine have lost someone important to them. One friend is angry, the other simply sad. Both are hurting. I'm helpless to do anything but be there. Although it hurts to see their pain, I take solace in knowing that such things are easier to bear when it's shared with others. I'll leave it at that...but again, this is all related.
For a long time, I felt drawn to people (admittedly, mostly women) who really seemed to need someone. In the case with the women, often times, I'd allow myself to get too close. I don't mean that I opened up too much, but that I let a combination of sympathy and desire to be there for them be confused for something more. Getting caught up in that web is mutually destructive and ends up negating the original intent to help. I have a great deal of affection for my friends, past and present. The problem is that sometimes I let the friendship slip down a wrong path and, instead of clearing away the broken pieces and salvaging what's good, I try to fix what's broken at the expense of the good. I never mean to do it that way, but I guess it's just how I am in many ways. I'm a technician. I fix things. The problem is, I fix machines...not people. If I should have learned anything from my father, the first thing should have been that you can't fix people...you can only help them see how to fix themselves. He's a psychologist, so he specializes in helping people face their problems and their fears. He doesn't fix them...he simply shows them that there's a way to fix themselves, at least to the point that they can function as everyone should. Honestly, it's not people that need to be fixed. You can't fix a person because people aren't broken. Everyone's different and how they deal with problems is what makes a person "broken" or not. Broken hearts, broken dreams...facing reality is never easy in these regards. But to look at oneself and realize that "I'm not broken, I'm just confused" is a big step. Seeking help isn't like going to the mechanic, or even the doctor for a physical ailment. People don't need to be fixed...just how they deal with each other and their own lives. (Just a bit more...thanks for your patience!)
Back onto the anime I was referring to...
I watched numerous anime and although Air was the first "supernatural drama" I'd seen, it really impacted me. From that, I watched Kanon (2006) last night. I have no problem saying that I cried a lot during both series. Sometimes it was a happy, triumphant type, sometimes it was incredibly sad. Both really touched a nerve with me. Air is somewhat of a tragedy, but the end really makes you see how such things can strengthen the human heart. Especially when the person lost made such an impact on those around them. I can't say much about Kanon without giving it all away, but I promise, it's worth watching to completion. I won't say it's easy to watch...there's a lot of hardship involved in the story, but it's worth every second. I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. Yeah, it's that good. Perhaps after watching, you'll understand my mind a little better. Perhaps not...but it's a thought. I guess anyone who actually knows me might find that I make a little more sense afterwards. Or not. I really can't say for sure. I just know that those stories have really prompted me to take another look at myself, my life, my past, my friends and family...all of it.
And here's the point:
Over the years, I've changed a lot. I'm not the weird, shy kid from gradeschool. I'm not the chunky "nerd" (despite low grades) I was in middle school. I'm not the reclusive pushover I was in highschool. I am, however, a "nice guy". Always have been. Unfortunately, my fear of hurting people has seen me hesitate, hedge, or even mislead people around me to avoid it. I not too long ago accused a friend of mine of doing exactly that and berated him about it because he was really hurting two of the most important people in his life: his best friend and his girlfriend. I didn't understand at the time, but I was being the biggest hypocrite ever. I wasn't wrong, but I also really had no leg to stand on. I was just as guilty as he was, if for a different reason. I was trying to fix his relationships because all three of them are friends of mine. I was sticking my nose in where it didn't belong out of some sense of "duty" to help if I could. The problem was, once again, I was trying to fix the broken stuff instead of letting it all break down and let them heal naturally. I should have had more faith in my friends instead of trying to force myself into the middle. I was wrong and I see that now. Although I don't truly believe I'm a bad person for doing it, I have to remember the saying "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions". Just because I think I'm right doesn't give me the right to get involved. Not like that, at any rate. The proper course should have been to simply listen, or at the most, giving an objective observation or perspective. They say hindsight is 20/20, but I honestly should have known better. (Digression...more like mental diarrhea, I swear...)
After watching Chobits (another anime), I realized that I identify very strongly with Hideki, the lead character. He's the "really nice guy" that sometimes gets mistaken for "creepy guy" by those who don't know him due to his insecurities and never seems to get the girl. It's a really simplified version of how I sometimes see myself, but it's still there. My situation is significantly different from his in almost every way, but I understand what he was doing...and his approach when helping others is much more appropriate than what I've done. I see how I was wrong and why. At least, part of it. After watching Kanon, I realized that, although I have little in common with Yuuichi personality-wise, I feel just as strongly as he does. Once again, he approaches things differently than I do, but with the same intentions. It's fiction, so it doesn't really apply directly, but the fundamentals are still apparent to me. The biggest thing I realized is that I feel my best when I've helped someone. It doesn't matter how much or how little I have done. It's the knowledge that I had a hand in enabling someone to face a fear, fix a problem outside themselves (like their computer), or see things from a different perspective.
When I die (though I intend to be around for quite some time), I want people to remember me with a smile. Sometimes there will be tears, sometimes not...but I want to be remembered that way. No matter what I may or may not have done...that's my greatest wish. Money, pride, fame...it's all nothing if nobody remembers you, or if the memory of you causes pain. I will live poor if it means I'll be remembered well. No, I don't plan to live poor...it was just a "what if". If I can give people even one happy memory, regardless of how small, then I can rest easy. At my funeral, I will haunt anyone who comes dressed in black and cries. You better smile, or you'll never be free! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Seriously...I'm one of those people that thinks that people should be remembered for how they lived, not how or when they died. That a gathering to mourn shouldn't include somber faces and cold earth. It should be a joyous remembrance of what they meant to each person in life. I know I'll cry a lot when my parents and grandmother (I've only one left right now) pass on...but despite the tears, I want to be able to smile at my memories at the same time. You can mourn the dead and bear the pain of loss, but the pain should never override the joy felt with that person when they lived. Those memories should be your strength. If the "powers that be" decide that my time is up, I want to know that my absence is used as a reason to become stronger. That would be enough for me.
I realize there are some who might consider this rather morbid to speak of...perhaps of concern that I'm contemplating something...but I assure anyone who reads this that no such thoughts will ever cross my mind. If they did, I'd have myself committed for reasons of chemical imbalance because, although I've been incredibly lonely and depressed before, no matter how dark or how alone I felt, I knew, somehow, that my disappearance would cause more pain than any I could be feeling at that moment. My parents care, my sister still relies on me (even if she doesn't always listen :p ), and my friends, despite my flaws, are there for me. I will never be so selfish as to hurt them like that. What kind of strength could they draw from THAT? There is no more selfish act than to end one's own life.
With that, I think I'm finished with this posting. I intend to make many more...but I doubt they'll be quite this long. I'm not going to try re-reading this one to make corrections as I normally do simply because of how long it is. That, and it was almost a completely free-flowing thought process. In the end, this is the best way to know more of how my mind works. I hope this helps anyone who reads it to know me better, even if we have never met. If any words I've spoken gave you a smile or made you remember someone you'd almost forgotten, then I feel it was worthwhile.
As a matter of fact...I think I need to contact a few people I've been neglecting. I keep talking about it and I think it's time I acted on it. Time to take my own advice for once. :p
Live well, and don't be afraid to love. Love hurts, but it also heals. Look around you...and keep an open heart. I think you'll be surprised at what you find.
-Note-
The song here was chosen for many reasons. I know I've heard it before, but only after watching Kanon - yes, it was named after and features the tune - did I find out what it was. I looked it up, found it on Wikipedia, and as within seconds of hitting play on the solo-piano-arranged link, I was crying. It hit me all at once and it just came out. Here's what's kind of funny...I wasn't sad at all. It was just an overwhelming flow of everything. It really fits my mood over the past 2 weeks...especially today. It not a sad tune at all. It starts out almost lonesome, but then more "voices" are added in as it moves along. Anyone who can liken music to life will understand what I'm getting at...I think the girl in Kanon that talks about the song describes it very well. I can't remember her words exactly, but I couldn't agree more.
Business has been great lately. After a month-and-a-half drought, I'm actually able to pay bills and such again properly. A good feeling to have. What's better, though, is knowing I helped people with their problems, even if it was just their computers. Hearing their joy at getting the situation resolved is worth more to me than the check I collect for the service. Unfortunately, that feeling can't pay rent, so I still collect the check. There's nothing weird about this for me, but it is related...bear with me.
In my off-time, I realize I should be doing more to grow the business and such since my "off time" is any time I'm not actually on a job. That's more often than not, so I have plenty, technically. What I tend to do, instead, is absorb myself into some fictional world. Video games, computer games, manga, books, anime, whatever. Sometimes, it's tabletop gaming with friends (which I love, though more for the gathering than the gaming), but most often it's something I do alone. It's not a lonely thing because when I'm absorbed in those stories, I'm pulled in totally and might as well actually be there. Yeah, I feel more like a specter that can only watch, but not interact, yet I'm still there. The better the story, the more drawn in I get...and the longer the impression lasts. Yes, I'm going somewhere with this...just a bit more.
For the past couple weeks, I've withdrawn from some friends of mine for reasons even I don't know. Mainly, I guess it's due to online gaming and how sometimes I just lose all interest in it completely and since that's what we do most as a group, I lose touch with them. I shouldn't, but there it is. Instead, I've gone on anime-watching marathons. I'm talking hours upon hours in a row of entire series. Although many would call this wasted hours, I can honestly say that at no point do I feel it was wasteful. Although not all the stories I've seen were relevant or deep in meaning, they each had a place and, if I finished it, gave me something I didn't have before. Everyone has something that does that for them. For me, it's fiction. More often that not, Japanese-written (though the English translations are often made with many liberties to creative license, so some of the original meaning is lost, but that can't be helped...the languages and cultures are just too different for perfect translation).
As of the past couple days, I've watched a few "supernatural romantic drama" anime. Understand one thing...that means something completely different between American and Japanese (or maybe just anime) fiction. "Romantic" doesn't always mean roses and candle-lit dinners. In fact, it rarely seems to. The term "romantic" seems to mean simply the deeper feelings between people who are close to each other, bonded for life. This includes friends, family, and significant others. It's a much broader term from what I've seen. Although our culture hasn't "corrupted" the term itself, we've simply given it a shallow connotation. But I digress...(as I tend to a lot, as I'm sure you've noted)
The stories I'm referring to often have sad or tragic elements woven into a tapestry that pulls at the heart and ends with a miracle. Sometimes the guy "gets the girl", but sometimes it's just how hardship and tragedy can really turn people around. If a good person dies, yes, it's tragic...but is that simply all it is? If you look closely, miracles are hidden everywhere, but the biggest ones are wrapped in tragedy. When a good person dies, everyone around them feels the loss...yet, those that fight through the sadness and remember the person lost find new meaning in words spoken in the past. Some find a new reason to live. Some even realize they still have time to fix something they've been putting off...like contacting an estranged parent or something like that. Those moments give the tragedy meaning, though rarely do people realize that the sudden loss is what made them stronger. This is not to say tragedy is good, but when someone asks "why do bad things happen to good people?", I believe this is why. God, or whomever/whatever you believe in, knows that sometimes it takes a tragedy to make people think...to realize what they have and what they still must do. Look at 9/11/2001...the worst single man-made tragedy in the history of our country since the Civil War. Those with the ability to see it objectively realized that we ended up with the best possible worst-case-scenario. What I mean by that is, of the 50,000 person per building capacity, only a small percentage were actually in that building. That's not to say it was a miracle, but look at how many people dies vs how many people COULD HAVE died and didn't. By all rights, more than 20,000 people should probably be dead now. I believe that IS a miracle. Not only that, but look at how everyone pulled together in the aftermath. Red, white, and blue were strewn and proudly displayed all over our country. I think the days that followed, our country was more unified than it ever had been before. It showed that no matter how you felt about the politics here, we're all still American and damn proud of it. Wow...digression abounds today. I swear, this wasn't what I was getting at...let me get back on track here.
Although nobody close to me has died recently, for which I am very thankful, two friends of mine have lost someone important to them. One friend is angry, the other simply sad. Both are hurting. I'm helpless to do anything but be there. Although it hurts to see their pain, I take solace in knowing that such things are easier to bear when it's shared with others. I'll leave it at that...but again, this is all related.
For a long time, I felt drawn to people (admittedly, mostly women) who really seemed to need someone. In the case with the women, often times, I'd allow myself to get too close. I don't mean that I opened up too much, but that I let a combination of sympathy and desire to be there for them be confused for something more. Getting caught up in that web is mutually destructive and ends up negating the original intent to help. I have a great deal of affection for my friends, past and present. The problem is that sometimes I let the friendship slip down a wrong path and, instead of clearing away the broken pieces and salvaging what's good, I try to fix what's broken at the expense of the good. I never mean to do it that way, but I guess it's just how I am in many ways. I'm a technician. I fix things. The problem is, I fix machines...not people. If I should have learned anything from my father, the first thing should have been that you can't fix people...you can only help them see how to fix themselves. He's a psychologist, so he specializes in helping people face their problems and their fears. He doesn't fix them...he simply shows them that there's a way to fix themselves, at least to the point that they can function as everyone should. Honestly, it's not people that need to be fixed. You can't fix a person because people aren't broken. Everyone's different and how they deal with problems is what makes a person "broken" or not. Broken hearts, broken dreams...facing reality is never easy in these regards. But to look at oneself and realize that "I'm not broken, I'm just confused" is a big step. Seeking help isn't like going to the mechanic, or even the doctor for a physical ailment. People don't need to be fixed...just how they deal with each other and their own lives. (Just a bit more...thanks for your patience!)
Back onto the anime I was referring to...
I watched numerous anime and although Air was the first "supernatural drama" I'd seen, it really impacted me. From that, I watched Kanon (2006) last night. I have no problem saying that I cried a lot during both series. Sometimes it was a happy, triumphant type, sometimes it was incredibly sad. Both really touched a nerve with me. Air is somewhat of a tragedy, but the end really makes you see how such things can strengthen the human heart. Especially when the person lost made such an impact on those around them. I can't say much about Kanon without giving it all away, but I promise, it's worth watching to completion. I won't say it's easy to watch...there's a lot of hardship involved in the story, but it's worth every second. I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. Yeah, it's that good. Perhaps after watching, you'll understand my mind a little better. Perhaps not...but it's a thought. I guess anyone who actually knows me might find that I make a little more sense afterwards. Or not. I really can't say for sure. I just know that those stories have really prompted me to take another look at myself, my life, my past, my friends and family...all of it.
And here's the point:
Over the years, I've changed a lot. I'm not the weird, shy kid from gradeschool. I'm not the chunky "nerd" (despite low grades) I was in middle school. I'm not the reclusive pushover I was in highschool. I am, however, a "nice guy". Always have been. Unfortunately, my fear of hurting people has seen me hesitate, hedge, or even mislead people around me to avoid it. I not too long ago accused a friend of mine of doing exactly that and berated him about it because he was really hurting two of the most important people in his life: his best friend and his girlfriend. I didn't understand at the time, but I was being the biggest hypocrite ever. I wasn't wrong, but I also really had no leg to stand on. I was just as guilty as he was, if for a different reason. I was trying to fix his relationships because all three of them are friends of mine. I was sticking my nose in where it didn't belong out of some sense of "duty" to help if I could. The problem was, once again, I was trying to fix the broken stuff instead of letting it all break down and let them heal naturally. I should have had more faith in my friends instead of trying to force myself into the middle. I was wrong and I see that now. Although I don't truly believe I'm a bad person for doing it, I have to remember the saying "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions". Just because I think I'm right doesn't give me the right to get involved. Not like that, at any rate. The proper course should have been to simply listen, or at the most, giving an objective observation or perspective. They say hindsight is 20/20, but I honestly should have known better. (Digression...more like mental diarrhea, I swear...)
After watching Chobits (another anime), I realized that I identify very strongly with Hideki, the lead character. He's the "really nice guy" that sometimes gets mistaken for "creepy guy" by those who don't know him due to his insecurities and never seems to get the girl. It's a really simplified version of how I sometimes see myself, but it's still there. My situation is significantly different from his in almost every way, but I understand what he was doing...and his approach when helping others is much more appropriate than what I've done. I see how I was wrong and why. At least, part of it. After watching Kanon, I realized that, although I have little in common with Yuuichi personality-wise, I feel just as strongly as he does. Once again, he approaches things differently than I do, but with the same intentions. It's fiction, so it doesn't really apply directly, but the fundamentals are still apparent to me. The biggest thing I realized is that I feel my best when I've helped someone. It doesn't matter how much or how little I have done. It's the knowledge that I had a hand in enabling someone to face a fear, fix a problem outside themselves (like their computer), or see things from a different perspective.
When I die (though I intend to be around for quite some time), I want people to remember me with a smile. Sometimes there will be tears, sometimes not...but I want to be remembered that way. No matter what I may or may not have done...that's my greatest wish. Money, pride, fame...it's all nothing if nobody remembers you, or if the memory of you causes pain. I will live poor if it means I'll be remembered well. No, I don't plan to live poor...it was just a "what if". If I can give people even one happy memory, regardless of how small, then I can rest easy. At my funeral, I will haunt anyone who comes dressed in black and cries. You better smile, or you'll never be free! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Seriously...I'm one of those people that thinks that people should be remembered for how they lived, not how or when they died. That a gathering to mourn shouldn't include somber faces and cold earth. It should be a joyous remembrance of what they meant to each person in life. I know I'll cry a lot when my parents and grandmother (I've only one left right now) pass on...but despite the tears, I want to be able to smile at my memories at the same time. You can mourn the dead and bear the pain of loss, but the pain should never override the joy felt with that person when they lived. Those memories should be your strength. If the "powers that be" decide that my time is up, I want to know that my absence is used as a reason to become stronger. That would be enough for me.
I realize there are some who might consider this rather morbid to speak of...perhaps of concern that I'm contemplating something...but I assure anyone who reads this that no such thoughts will ever cross my mind. If they did, I'd have myself committed for reasons of chemical imbalance because, although I've been incredibly lonely and depressed before, no matter how dark or how alone I felt, I knew, somehow, that my disappearance would cause more pain than any I could be feeling at that moment. My parents care, my sister still relies on me (even if she doesn't always listen :p ), and my friends, despite my flaws, are there for me. I will never be so selfish as to hurt them like that. What kind of strength could they draw from THAT? There is no more selfish act than to end one's own life.
With that, I think I'm finished with this posting. I intend to make many more...but I doubt they'll be quite this long. I'm not going to try re-reading this one to make corrections as I normally do simply because of how long it is. That, and it was almost a completely free-flowing thought process. In the end, this is the best way to know more of how my mind works. I hope this helps anyone who reads it to know me better, even if we have never met. If any words I've spoken gave you a smile or made you remember someone you'd almost forgotten, then I feel it was worthwhile.
As a matter of fact...I think I need to contact a few people I've been neglecting. I keep talking about it and I think it's time I acted on it. Time to take my own advice for once. :p
Live well, and don't be afraid to love. Love hurts, but it also heals. Look around you...and keep an open heart. I think you'll be surprised at what you find.
-Note-
The song here was chosen for many reasons. I know I've heard it before, but only after watching Kanon - yes, it was named after and features the tune - did I find out what it was. I looked it up, found it on Wikipedia, and as within seconds of hitting play on the solo-piano-arranged link, I was crying. It hit me all at once and it just came out. Here's what's kind of funny...I wasn't sad at all. It was just an overwhelming flow of everything. It really fits my mood over the past 2 weeks...especially today. It not a sad tune at all. It starts out almost lonesome, but then more "voices" are added in as it moves along. Anyone who can liken music to life will understand what I'm getting at...I think the girl in Kanon that talks about the song describes it very well. I can't remember her words exactly, but I couldn't agree more.