Summer I Painted, A Scene, That Lit The Stars For Me, Said I Can Erase It, For You Dear
I'm a blob, a black one. A soulless blob lacking any shape or form... any emotion, or anything else that make sit unique from another blob. At least, that's how I feel at the moment.
Yesterday I went out with a bunch of friends to have dinner and see Return of The King, which is a great movie, but not better than Fellowship... nor is the trilogy better than Star Wars IMO. Anywho! We at El Chico's, a stupid Mexican restaurant, why? I dunno, and I hate Mexican and yet none of them chose to eat elsewhere... so I was forced to buy the only dish that wasn't Mexican, Chicken Strips, ah expensive indeed. How I hate sit down restaurants...
Well we ate and every else told stupid jokes and had stupid rowdy loud humor and I was bored off my ass, really. Too many inside jokes fly around my little group of friends and they all love to make fun of others behind their backs. Nothing at all interesting to me. So our meal eventually ends and we leave... I pay the overpriced amount of $9.82 for my meal and decide not to tip. Not that the service was bad, I just didn't want to.
Well I get in my friend's car to go to the theater and I mention how I didn't tip after someone brought the subject up. I was immediately yelled at by one of my friend's and labeled a jackass for not tipping. I'm not at all one, or at least I don't try to be, so it was hurting and rude and I mostly kept silent the rest of the ride after the short argument. I mean... it wasn't even my money that I was spending, I wanted to be careful.. my family isn't made of money and I hate spending something that I know will be made up by someone else. Meh.
So I get to the theater and my friend eventually apologizes after I get out the car and we all group back up and head to the line which was already quite long for being over two hours early. We all joke around again, stupid shit, jazz hands, mocking people... well I didn't mock anyone. Honestly, I just stared around at things and people. There's a lot to be attracted to in that area of the town and I felt like admiring the sights.. the people that I'd never get a hold of. I even spotted Cody, the kid I've got a major crush on and am pretty sure he's gay, but I didn't speak to him. It's not like he knows me I guess.
Well eventually one my friends says that I probably won't be at school tomorrow and him and someone else start criticizing me for missing so much school. It was just all the more hurtful and depressing, so I told them I didn't care either way about school anymore and try to give them the impression that I've given up on the sort of thing. After that I didn't speak a word until we actually got our seats in the theater.
I dunno what's up I guess. I'm just ranting or something. I'm out of it, yet I don't feel like anything's wrong with me. I'm depressed, yet sometimes I don't feel anything at all. I no longer think it's wise for me to ever speak my opinion out loud again. There's always someone nearby who wants to totally disagree and argue with me. I do know that I can start a lot of arguments, but really it's not something I want to do.
I have literally no will to anything right now. It's an odd feeling, nothing is making me happy, nor sad... anger is all I've been able to muster as of yet. I don't care for school anymore... nor going out. I just want to be alone, away from people. To be in my own damn little world. Maybe I just wasn't ever meant to socialize with people... hell I've never even had a strong relationship with anyone.
Oh and hey, don't forget that I'm gay. If these friends are already so harsh about such stupid issues on my opinions.. how will they feel when I come out? Bullshit I say. Oh and yes, this is pretty much the first public entry in which I've admitted to being gay in my own words. I don't care anymore at all. I said that. I could careless if someone wanted to bash my head in, shun me, or any other rude behavior. I have nothing to lose it seems. At least not emotionally.
So what do I do with my life? Sit and wait? Maybe I should leave my friends, everyone seems to not understand the way I think. I"m so utterly pointless. Lacking of talent in any way shape or form. I'm in a state where nothing matters, I have no hopes for anything, nihilism is supreme. I don't know whether I should sigh, cry, laugh, or slap myself. Meh, when it comes right down to it. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Yesterday I went out with a bunch of friends to have dinner and see Return of The King, which is a great movie, but not better than Fellowship... nor is the trilogy better than Star Wars IMO. Anywho! We at El Chico's, a stupid Mexican restaurant, why? I dunno, and I hate Mexican and yet none of them chose to eat elsewhere... so I was forced to buy the only dish that wasn't Mexican, Chicken Strips, ah expensive indeed. How I hate sit down restaurants...
Well we ate and every else told stupid jokes and had stupid rowdy loud humor and I was bored off my ass, really. Too many inside jokes fly around my little group of friends and they all love to make fun of others behind their backs. Nothing at all interesting to me. So our meal eventually ends and we leave... I pay the overpriced amount of $9.82 for my meal and decide not to tip. Not that the service was bad, I just didn't want to.
Well I get in my friend's car to go to the theater and I mention how I didn't tip after someone brought the subject up. I was immediately yelled at by one of my friend's and labeled a jackass for not tipping. I'm not at all one, or at least I don't try to be, so it was hurting and rude and I mostly kept silent the rest of the ride after the short argument. I mean... it wasn't even my money that I was spending, I wanted to be careful.. my family isn't made of money and I hate spending something that I know will be made up by someone else. Meh.
So I get to the theater and my friend eventually apologizes after I get out the car and we all group back up and head to the line which was already quite long for being over two hours early. We all joke around again, stupid shit, jazz hands, mocking people... well I didn't mock anyone. Honestly, I just stared around at things and people. There's a lot to be attracted to in that area of the town and I felt like admiring the sights.. the people that I'd never get a hold of. I even spotted Cody, the kid I've got a major crush on and am pretty sure he's gay, but I didn't speak to him. It's not like he knows me I guess.
Well eventually one my friends says that I probably won't be at school tomorrow and him and someone else start criticizing me for missing so much school. It was just all the more hurtful and depressing, so I told them I didn't care either way about school anymore and try to give them the impression that I've given up on the sort of thing. After that I didn't speak a word until we actually got our seats in the theater.
I dunno what's up I guess. I'm just ranting or something. I'm out of it, yet I don't feel like anything's wrong with me. I'm depressed, yet sometimes I don't feel anything at all. I no longer think it's wise for me to ever speak my opinion out loud again. There's always someone nearby who wants to totally disagree and argue with me. I do know that I can start a lot of arguments, but really it's not something I want to do.
I have literally no will to anything right now. It's an odd feeling, nothing is making me happy, nor sad... anger is all I've been able to muster as of yet. I don't care for school anymore... nor going out. I just want to be alone, away from people. To be in my own damn little world. Maybe I just wasn't ever meant to socialize with people... hell I've never even had a strong relationship with anyone.
Oh and hey, don't forget that I'm gay. If these friends are already so harsh about such stupid issues on my opinions.. how will they feel when I come out? Bullshit I say. Oh and yes, this is pretty much the first public entry in which I've admitted to being gay in my own words. I don't care anymore at all. I said that. I could careless if someone wanted to bash my head in, shun me, or any other rude behavior. I have nothing to lose it seems. At least not emotionally.
So what do I do with my life? Sit and wait? Maybe I should leave my friends, everyone seems to not understand the way I think. I"m so utterly pointless. Lacking of talent in any way shape or form. I'm in a state where nothing matters, I have no hopes for anything, nihilism is supreme. I don't know whether I should sigh, cry, laugh, or slap myself. Meh, when it comes right down to it. I don't know what's wrong with me.