Reflections
So, I've been in a reflective mood lately. I keep thinking about things. Some are good, some are bad, or just unknown. I don't really even know how to put it all into words.
-I'm irriatated as all hell that i can't find a job. I've been trying since the beginning of the semester, and i haven't gotten one fucking call back. Everywhere i call has told me no. I can't take it anymore. There has got to be some way of making money and not having to beg from my parentes whenever i want to go out.
+It is interesting to look back and see how much people have changed. Like my cousins for instance. Drew is now an RA here, and is going through the same school stuff i am. Jordan is now in college and sean isn't that far behind. I remember when these guys were all little and still in to barny and shit, and i would have to watch it when i would go over there in the summer. Makes me feel old.
- For some reason, i keep looking at people and see only the good they do, then look at myself in comparison and see only the bad. I have realized that i really get down on myself. And i can't seem to follow my own advice and just not think about ti. All the good advice i can give to others, i can't keep for myself.
- I never thought this would be an issue, but i miss some of the people from highschool. I always said that i didn't need a lot of friends, but now i feel as if i don't have enough. Yes, i do have friends, but i look around, and realize that i'm cutting myself off from things. This year i've felt kind of seperated from band and the trumpet section. Not that i felt i don't belong...just seperated. And now, thanks to the wonders of facebook, i get all these news blurbs about what my friends are doing, and realize that i don't have that many real friends. Oh, i have a shit load of facebook friends...but not maybe i talk to.
- I feel kind of depressed. I don't think this qualifies as actual clinical depression, but goddamn it this sucks. I can go around being happy, but the slightest thing can set me off into a rage. My fuse is way to short right now, and when it gets lit, the reaction is violent. I feel like i'm losing my control on my anger again. I need a stress/anger management technique. something that actually works. cause right now, if i get stressed/angry i tend to smoke something. but then i just get fucking angry at myself for being stupid, so that doesn't fucking work. I need something physical....that i can exhaust all that angry energy on. I need a goddamn punching bag. something i can really beat the shit out of, and not have to worry about breaking it or me. i am at my wits end. nothing is working. I seem destined right now to not make it into any groups. I tried out for fish n' chips last 2 semesters, no go. I tried out for central harmony this semester, no go. I'm trying out for basketball band now, and after that, i'm done. If you fail enough times in a row, it's god saying "stop trying for now". so fine, i'll fucking listen.
now i know things won't always be this bad. soon i'll be done with school and teaching. (i won't mention the issues that could cause) and i know i won't always be broke as fuck. And i know that i tell everyone who's going through shit that, "it will get better, evenutally." but right now, i've had it. I can't stand beiong broke, i can't stand being so burnt out. i had a vision of how this year would go, and so far it's fucked. i want to give up, but i'm not a quitter...so i just fucking plod along...
plod, plod, plod....
-I'm irriatated as all hell that i can't find a job. I've been trying since the beginning of the semester, and i haven't gotten one fucking call back. Everywhere i call has told me no. I can't take it anymore. There has got to be some way of making money and not having to beg from my parentes whenever i want to go out.
+It is interesting to look back and see how much people have changed. Like my cousins for instance. Drew is now an RA here, and is going through the same school stuff i am. Jordan is now in college and sean isn't that far behind. I remember when these guys were all little and still in to barny and shit, and i would have to watch it when i would go over there in the summer. Makes me feel old.
- For some reason, i keep looking at people and see only the good they do, then look at myself in comparison and see only the bad. I have realized that i really get down on myself. And i can't seem to follow my own advice and just not think about ti. All the good advice i can give to others, i can't keep for myself.
- I never thought this would be an issue, but i miss some of the people from highschool. I always said that i didn't need a lot of friends, but now i feel as if i don't have enough. Yes, i do have friends, but i look around, and realize that i'm cutting myself off from things. This year i've felt kind of seperated from band and the trumpet section. Not that i felt i don't belong...just seperated. And now, thanks to the wonders of facebook, i get all these news blurbs about what my friends are doing, and realize that i don't have that many real friends. Oh, i have a shit load of facebook friends...but not maybe i talk to.
- I feel kind of depressed. I don't think this qualifies as actual clinical depression, but goddamn it this sucks. I can go around being happy, but the slightest thing can set me off into a rage. My fuse is way to short right now, and when it gets lit, the reaction is violent. I feel like i'm losing my control on my anger again. I need a stress/anger management technique. something that actually works. cause right now, if i get stressed/angry i tend to smoke something. but then i just get fucking angry at myself for being stupid, so that doesn't fucking work. I need something physical....that i can exhaust all that angry energy on. I need a goddamn punching bag. something i can really beat the shit out of, and not have to worry about breaking it or me. i am at my wits end. nothing is working. I seem destined right now to not make it into any groups. I tried out for fish n' chips last 2 semesters, no go. I tried out for central harmony this semester, no go. I'm trying out for basketball band now, and after that, i'm done. If you fail enough times in a row, it's god saying "stop trying for now". so fine, i'll fucking listen.
now i know things won't always be this bad. soon i'll be done with school and teaching. (i won't mention the issues that could cause) and i know i won't always be broke as fuck. And i know that i tell everyone who's going through shit that, "it will get better, evenutally." but right now, i've had it. I can't stand beiong broke, i can't stand being so burnt out. i had a vision of how this year would go, and so far it's fucked. i want to give up, but i'm not a quitter...so i just fucking plod along...
plod, plod, plod....