post mortem
That sucked more than I thought it would.
Having mostly been okay yesterday, today I have been one mess about this layoff. I barely slept last night; went to bed around 11:30, woke up about 1:45, finally got up around 3 and internetted for a while and went back to bed at 4. Lay there for a while and must have dozed because the next thing I knew it was 6:30. Awake for about an hour and dozed for another hour before getting up.
Then I went to the meeting and handed in my badge and keys and got a packet with a formal notice of separation and the numbers for benefits and blah blah blah, and I hated all of it, of course. At my level about half the staff have been cut, which I'm still having trouble getting my head around. Our security director cried when she debriefed me. I've been off on brief crying jags all day. Himself came and held me quietly while I sniffled all over the front of his shirt, and since then he's been keeping me company instead of introverting back to some other part of the house, and just now he made me a grilled cheese sandwich. ♥
But here's the thing. Remember how shattered I was when they said they were recommending that I not stay at Oxford for the DPhil? This is arguably worse than that, but since I had some forewarning (we'd known layoffs were coming for many weeks, though you never think it's going to happen to you; the Oxford thing was totally from the blind side) I think I'm less catastrophically upset. In fact, I'm a little surprised by how I keep randomly crying for a couple of minutes at a time. All the way in to the meeting all I could think was, Eleven months ago my father died right in my face. You've got nothing.
Only of course the world is not binary, where the two values are "watched your father draw his last breath" and "not upsetting". So on a scale of one to my father died right in my face, I have concluded that this is the third worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Having mostly been okay yesterday, today I have been one mess about this layoff. I barely slept last night; went to bed around 11:30, woke up about 1:45, finally got up around 3 and internetted for a while and went back to bed at 4. Lay there for a while and must have dozed because the next thing I knew it was 6:30. Awake for about an hour and dozed for another hour before getting up.
Then I went to the meeting and handed in my badge and keys and got a packet with a formal notice of separation and the numbers for benefits and blah blah blah, and I hated all of it, of course. At my level about half the staff have been cut, which I'm still having trouble getting my head around. Our security director cried when she debriefed me. I've been off on brief crying jags all day. Himself came and held me quietly while I sniffled all over the front of his shirt, and since then he's been keeping me company instead of introverting back to some other part of the house, and just now he made me a grilled cheese sandwich. ♥
But here's the thing. Remember how shattered I was when they said they were recommending that I not stay at Oxford for the DPhil? This is arguably worse than that, but since I had some forewarning (we'd known layoffs were coming for many weeks, though you never think it's going to happen to you; the Oxford thing was totally from the blind side) I think I'm less catastrophically upset. In fact, I'm a little surprised by how I keep randomly crying for a couple of minutes at a time. All the way in to the meeting all I could think was, Eleven months ago my father died right in my face. You've got nothing.
Only of course the world is not binary, where the two values are "watched your father draw his last breath" and "not upsetting". So on a scale of one to my father died right in my face, I have concluded that this is the third worst thing that has ever happened to me.