And wouldn't you know it, stalking is unlegal.
So I get home after running some errands and asserting my intense bad-assetry to the world, when I sit down at my PC and my gmail alert informs me that I have some new e-mails.
So I see-mail which must be-mail in the form of e-mail on g-mail in a random free-mail from hopefully an easy female. If you can say that five times fast, you should make me a steak. Back to the story…
‘Oh joy,’ I think to myself, I’m about to have to go and delete some mass messages from Ticketmaster and maybe even a real e-mail by someone who apparently seems to be stuck in 1997, the last confirmed year that e-mailing was an effective means of communication.
About to go to work deleting these little wastes of life, I begin to realize that they’re all actual e-mails from the same person, one Brian Euvino: Crawfordsville’s own slow-talkin’, odd-walkin’, young-girl-stalkin’ grinchy-Grinch legend. Granted, while the jokes in this segment practically write themselves, I’ll take a second to compliment him and point out that he does kind of look like an ugly Orlando Bloom.
Orlando Bloom + bad haircut - ability to shower = Brian Euvino
Well, nevertheless, curious as to why he would send me multiple e-mails in one night, I opened the earliest one…
Editor’s Note: All grammar in e-mails will be edited and corrected since, as anyone whom has talked to him online knows, Euvino can’t properly spell, structure sentences, or convey any thoughts other than how you wish he would’ve graduated high school so he’d grasp the English language and actually be able to sound intelligent on an instant messenger.
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Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2006 20:06:25 CST
From: snatch0485
To: DarthBrown
Subject: about my LJ post
Dear Darth Brown,
Long time stalker, first time intimidator and I would just like to say that I’m a big fan of your work, off and on the internet ; ). Which is why I hope you don’t take a post on my LiveJournal, located here, seriously. I would just like to emphasize that I am a chronic-attention whore and I feel like I have to make up for lost time since I couldn’t write an LJ post for over two years because I finally bothered a girl that actually knew the number for 911 and I was banned from the internet. Please spare me your un-holy ridicule, hopefully you can someday show me the ways in the force…. : ) <3 <3 <3
Love,
Brian Anthony Franklin (still-constantly uses the nick-name my ‘evil-ex’ always used) Euvino
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Holy raging dog-shit, I got fan-mail for the first time in years and for the first time on this account. Yes, SystemofaBrown actually got fan mail. Kind of shocked and clueless, I just ended up doing the same thing I do whenever anyone does anything nice for me: I ignored him. I closed out the message and went back to my inbox, remembering that I had even more messages from him. I went ahead and deleted all of the middle ones and just opened the last one he sent, which to my shock was an audio file. I didn’t want to open it just because the last audio/visual he sent me was a home video of his cats doing it… however, out of boredom, I opened it.
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Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2006 04:42:32 CST
From: snatch0485
To: DarthBrown
Subject: an e-mail is like a young girls legs, they only work when opened :P
I open the file, and all I hear is static and what sounds like a Dido song… quickly remembering that I don’t like Dido and that the only reason Euvino picked her was because her name was one L away from being Dildo, I was about to close the file until I hear a rap beat and Euvino start shouting the following lyrics.
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last message I ever send your ass!
It's been five hours and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last nine e-mails;
I typed the addresses on 'em perfect!
This is a homemade WAV I'm sending you, I hope you hear it,
I'll be in my ZX2 by now, topping out at 43 going down Market,
DarthBrown, I smelled a can of Bud Light, you dare me to drive?
That’s how much I had when I danced drunk to that Frank Zappa guy,
and acted like Rick James and could’ve spilt your beers drowning,
then fell and covered myself in Pennzoil before you found me.
That's kinda how this is, you coulda stopped my attention whoring,
Now it's too late - I’m on Girl Scouts chat with high hopes of scoring,
and all I wanted was a lousy message or a chat,
Now I’m stuck alone with my dial-up and legions of cats,
I love you Brown, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me,
See Brown; (his mom yells at him) Oh now my mom’s yelling from the kitchen,
About how I have no direction in my life, she’s always bitchin’,
but I didn't defend myself, I just sat back and took it, see I ain't like you
I just make an emo Yahoo! Stat, then get one on AIM too,
Well, gotta go, my dial-up’s almost timed out,
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?
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That was the last I ever heard of him… may he rest in peace, at least until his modem dials-up and connects soon.
/still laughing at Euvino’s lack of wit
//enjoyed his little post
///needs someone to host now infamous BTVD video
////was tempted to rip Euvino a new asshole
/////realized that a Coke can had already done it