Update rape.
Believe it or not, there are actually times that I forget I have a LiveJournal... nevertheless, I remembered today and thought I should update.
I was in the middle of an amazing sleep-aid induced slumber when I began to have this horrible nightmare that soon I was going to have to do something nice for my girlfriend. There were flowers, candy hearts, and cuddling. It was terrible.
Normally when I'm asleep, I dream about being a lumberjack with the manliest beard around and chopping up little children with a huge ax before feeding them to my blue ox, which just so happens to be a shark with legs. Now that's a dream, I tell you... not self-torture by means of a chick-flick and having to hold in my farts.
It was the worst nightmare I ever had... we had just finished an expensive dinner that I had to pay for and were back at my house watching a date-movie. By date movie, I mean a movie without any robots, zombies, explosions, or plot. Just a movie where a guy meets a girl, realizes the girl is a cunt-sausage that jumps back between him and at least one other guy all before coming up with some zany scheme to win her over before she marries someone else.
Well, nevertheless, my dream was to the point of the movie where I was almost in tears from boredom pains. I then decided to reach over to end-table, grab some scissors and stab myself in the thigh; because if I'm going to be in that much pain, I at least want to do it to myself.
No matter how badly I wanted to wake up, I just couldn't. It felt like the night-terror was never going to end... then boom, my phone rings and wakes me up. Any other time, I'd be pissed... but this time was thrilled; the nightmare was over. I somewhat recognized the number, so I answered it. It ended up being an English major at an out-of-state college that didn't quite understand the definition of 'satire'. Being the extremely sexy dictionary that I am, I was quick to help them out. I rule like that sometimes.
Well, nevertheless, after being awake for some time, I realized that today was February 13th, otherwise known as the day before Valentine's Day, the holiday the Grinch should've stolen. God damn it, my nightmare had come true. Being pissed off that I actually have to spend money, I began trying to think of the best and most cost-efficient (cheap, for the English majors out there) dates possible, and I think I got it.
We start out by going and eating at the Wal-Mart snack bar for lunch, before going to the park and throwing molotov cocktails at old people before making out way to the movies before 5 PM because the tickets are cheaper (also BYOB day, werd) and rounding it out with a nice meal of chicken and seafood at Long John Silvers all before going back to my house and making the world's biggest, gas-powered meat grinder... at which point, we'll work together to find and throw in anyone that's a vampire, has a dog that weighs less than ten pounds, or takes this LiveJournal seriously...