Voting, Frustration and a Need for Rescue
This is the part where I make everyone angry.
This is the time of year I get annoyed with people demanding people go vote. Yes, I fully enjoy my right to vote, but I also understand the responsibility that goes along with it. I actually /think/ about my choices. The push to get everyone and their brother to vote is to get the fucking morons that waste my oxygen to decide on one of the single most powerful people in the world. Yes, it's important to vote. It's more important to vote responsibly. Last presidential election I made a big stink and refused to say that I voted... I just said I chose... meaning I chose to vote or not, but I made a choice. (I did vote. I almost always do.)
And the fact that the model of polling machine I used this morning is being outlawed after the election... well... I already live in a state where the entire state goes to one city... so that doesn't help to make me think my vote means a shit. But I vote anyway, because I make a choice. And I vote responsibly. I'm probably not very patriotic by not encouraging everyone to vote, but I don't trust hardly anyone to make a thoughtful choice.
I'm also annoyed that the Democrats could control all branches of government. Good bye balance of powers. I don't really care who controls what, but I'd rather not give one party too much power. Extremists are born of such and really? That fucks shit up. The president may be the fall guy for a lot of blame... but Congress has to pass his shit too. Was it 4 or 6 years ago that the Democrats too control of Congress?
This is the part where I whine a lot.
I still hate my life. There's really no other way to say it. It's pointless to really whine about it either. I'm very much trapped in my own head and can't get out. My skin is non-existent, beyond thin. I feel betrayed in a part of my online hobby, bored with another and get brief glimpses off delight here and there. So no, it's not all bad. It's just mostly bad. And that's my recreation time.
Work is stable and shitty in that stability. I did manage to have a good conversation with my stupid ignorant boss... because she actually listened, instead of assuming she knew what I was saying before I said it. Funny that, I do speak English.
That's my current biggest pet peeve. Not being heard. I can have an entire conversation, but only the other person speaks... because they assume I'm thinking or feeling a certain way. Ok, so, I don't know when this started? But it's really got to stop. I'm withdrawn enough, and perhaps people feel they need to interpret my silence as X. But really? I am a thinking human being that speaks rather coherent English. If you want to know what I'm thinking, fucking listen and ask me about it. If you're going to assume I'm saying something, you're probably wrong, unless the next thought is I want to punch you in the face. It infuriates me. It's rude. It's selfish. It happens all the time. The worst is when people ask me what's wrong... and then proceed to not listen and decide for themselves what's wrong with me. Ooooh boy, does that piss me off. So, I stop talking. And I seethe. And right now? Every muscle in my body is sore from seething. So really... that shit's got to stop.
No, not everyone does it. In fact, most of the people who would comment on this rant are not those people. It happens all the time at work, and with a few friends. I don't hang out with my guys here, because they did it too much. (And yet, they can't figure out why I'm anti-social now. They don't bother to ask... they just assume. Go figure.) It's like there's no point in trying, and so I find myself alone and angry... so very angry.
And the anger is eating me. My eyes hurt, I'm so angry all the time. My thoughts hurt, I'm so angry. Rage does not become me, I assure you. And it's not even like I'm angry at the things that I really need to deal with. (My mother issues, my self esteem, my life choices) I'm mad at shit that doesn't matter and I'm completely at it's mercy.
This is the part where I talk crazy talk.
I was thinking today, randomly chatting with a friend, that I want to run away and be rescued. I have no right to think that rescue is a viable option. I am no princess caught in a tower. There are no heroes, no knights, no fantasy. Reality is that I need to work out my problems and get my shit straight. But... sometimes... sometimes I think it would be nice, to be whisked away to another life, another chance... I've run most of my life, and it's always worked out SO well. I ran away from Syracuse to North Carolina. I ran away from North Carolina to Florida. I screamed like a bat out of hell from Florida back to Syracuse... the cycle is threatening to continue. Two years ago this past Saturday, I moved back up here. Two years is about my lifespan in one place, it seems. And all I want to do is run again.
I can't run this time. Things are not as bad as they were in Florida. For all my angst, I know I'm ok, more so than I have been. Even if my social life is absolutely nothing. Even if my job is trying to completely destroy my soul. Even if I have no one real to give me a hug. I am better than I have been at the other low points. If I can break the cycle... if I can get through this low point without running, maybe I'll be on the road to a better life.
But I want to be swept off my feet, treasured and rescued.
It's stupid and foolish, petty and childish. I really just need some actual Recreation. Re-create myself, my life and not do it by running away from my problems. Oh, sure, I know this all in my head and it sounds great. Don't get me wrong. But in reality, I'm so mired down in my issues, I'm firmly planted. I know, but I don't know. I live for the brief joys and try not to succumb during the interim. I ache so bad... body, mind and soul... there's no sign of relief. I can treat symptoms, but the disease is still there.
I need new hobbies, but I don't even know what I like anymore. Pathetic.
This is the time of year I get annoyed with people demanding people go vote. Yes, I fully enjoy my right to vote, but I also understand the responsibility that goes along with it. I actually /think/ about my choices. The push to get everyone and their brother to vote is to get the fucking morons that waste my oxygen to decide on one of the single most powerful people in the world. Yes, it's important to vote. It's more important to vote responsibly. Last presidential election I made a big stink and refused to say that I voted... I just said I chose... meaning I chose to vote or not, but I made a choice. (I did vote. I almost always do.)
And the fact that the model of polling machine I used this morning is being outlawed after the election... well... I already live in a state where the entire state goes to one city... so that doesn't help to make me think my vote means a shit. But I vote anyway, because I make a choice. And I vote responsibly. I'm probably not very patriotic by not encouraging everyone to vote, but I don't trust hardly anyone to make a thoughtful choice.
I'm also annoyed that the Democrats could control all branches of government. Good bye balance of powers. I don't really care who controls what, but I'd rather not give one party too much power. Extremists are born of such and really? That fucks shit up. The president may be the fall guy for a lot of blame... but Congress has to pass his shit too. Was it 4 or 6 years ago that the Democrats too control of Congress?
This is the part where I whine a lot.
I still hate my life. There's really no other way to say it. It's pointless to really whine about it either. I'm very much trapped in my own head and can't get out. My skin is non-existent, beyond thin. I feel betrayed in a part of my online hobby, bored with another and get brief glimpses off delight here and there. So no, it's not all bad. It's just mostly bad. And that's my recreation time.
Work is stable and shitty in that stability. I did manage to have a good conversation with my stupid ignorant boss... because she actually listened, instead of assuming she knew what I was saying before I said it. Funny that, I do speak English.
That's my current biggest pet peeve. Not being heard. I can have an entire conversation, but only the other person speaks... because they assume I'm thinking or feeling a certain way. Ok, so, I don't know when this started? But it's really got to stop. I'm withdrawn enough, and perhaps people feel they need to interpret my silence as X. But really? I am a thinking human being that speaks rather coherent English. If you want to know what I'm thinking, fucking listen and ask me about it. If you're going to assume I'm saying something, you're probably wrong, unless the next thought is I want to punch you in the face. It infuriates me. It's rude. It's selfish. It happens all the time. The worst is when people ask me what's wrong... and then proceed to not listen and decide for themselves what's wrong with me. Ooooh boy, does that piss me off. So, I stop talking. And I seethe. And right now? Every muscle in my body is sore from seething. So really... that shit's got to stop.
No, not everyone does it. In fact, most of the people who would comment on this rant are not those people. It happens all the time at work, and with a few friends. I don't hang out with my guys here, because they did it too much. (And yet, they can't figure out why I'm anti-social now. They don't bother to ask... they just assume. Go figure.) It's like there's no point in trying, and so I find myself alone and angry... so very angry.
And the anger is eating me. My eyes hurt, I'm so angry all the time. My thoughts hurt, I'm so angry. Rage does not become me, I assure you. And it's not even like I'm angry at the things that I really need to deal with. (My mother issues, my self esteem, my life choices) I'm mad at shit that doesn't matter and I'm completely at it's mercy.
This is the part where I talk crazy talk.
I was thinking today, randomly chatting with a friend, that I want to run away and be rescued. I have no right to think that rescue is a viable option. I am no princess caught in a tower. There are no heroes, no knights, no fantasy. Reality is that I need to work out my problems and get my shit straight. But... sometimes... sometimes I think it would be nice, to be whisked away to another life, another chance... I've run most of my life, and it's always worked out SO well. I ran away from Syracuse to North Carolina. I ran away from North Carolina to Florida. I screamed like a bat out of hell from Florida back to Syracuse... the cycle is threatening to continue. Two years ago this past Saturday, I moved back up here. Two years is about my lifespan in one place, it seems. And all I want to do is run again.
I can't run this time. Things are not as bad as they were in Florida. For all my angst, I know I'm ok, more so than I have been. Even if my social life is absolutely nothing. Even if my job is trying to completely destroy my soul. Even if I have no one real to give me a hug. I am better than I have been at the other low points. If I can break the cycle... if I can get through this low point without running, maybe I'll be on the road to a better life.
But I want to be swept off my feet, treasured and rescued.
It's stupid and foolish, petty and childish. I really just need some actual Recreation. Re-create myself, my life and not do it by running away from my problems. Oh, sure, I know this all in my head and it sounds great. Don't get me wrong. But in reality, I'm so mired down in my issues, I'm firmly planted. I know, but I don't know. I live for the brief joys and try not to succumb during the interim. I ache so bad... body, mind and soul... there's no sign of relief. I can treat symptoms, but the disease is still there.
I need new hobbies, but I don't even know what I like anymore. Pathetic.