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Ok, so everyone has secrets...some more than other. Some more personal then others but whatever the case....we all have them. All of us have that one(or those several) secrets that we either think are so bad, or too personal or whatever that we can't share them with anyone. Well I would say just get an accountability partner, someone we can tell anything to...but even then we wouldn't. I have like 5 accountability partners that have all been great friends throughout high school but I still even keep things from them. Now to me there is one person who I feel I could tell anything to no matter how bad or personal....but I've never let anyone get that close to me or get to know me that well before and it sorta scares me a little. I love her more than anything else on this planet and would do anything for her and I think I'm finally ready to maybe let someone into my heart...let them into all that is me, finally have someone who I actually can talk to about anything and vise versa. I know we trust each other and we used to talk about all kinds of stuff, but now we only get to see each other like 2 times a week if that and that sucks to no end. Now there may be several people wh kinda know me or even a few that think thy really know me...but they'd be wrong. Its not just the few secrets I keep from people...it everything thats always swimming through my mind....a hurricane of thoughts...compared to the calm beach of a lot of people. No matter what peple think no one truly knows me or who I am on the inside. Now besides this one girl, my hearts desire...there is one other guy that I've knows since like 1st grade and he is an awesome friend and he know more about me than most, but he still doesn't have a clue who I really am. Then besides him, there is one other girl who would probably be the only one to see this if she decided to check my lj, and she's really the only other one who knows more about me than most. She know certain things that the guy doesn't know, and he knows certain things abut me that she doesn't....but the girl of my dreams...well she knows all that both of them know and then some but even then she still doesn't really know me or see into my heart. I gues trying so hard for so long to hold everything in,,, never crying about anything, never letting anyone get close to me or let them nto my heart has made me develop this wall surrounding my heart. An unbreakable wall keeping everyne out and keeping me from really feeling anything for anyone...hence the part about me where nothing gets to me...nothing can break me. Well this one girl I started to let in for the first time in my life...and then after a little while I guess it just hit me how hard it would be for anything to happen....and it started to break me...almost made me snap....but after only one night...also the only night I have shed a tear in like 15 years, I managed to catch myself and now sorry to say I think my heart is more fortified now than its ever been before. These 3 people I want to let in, maybe, but slpwly at that, but out of those 3 there is this one girl, who is the only person I've ever fallen for, I want more than anything to show her the real me, to let her in, but it won't be easy. Letting them get to know me is for one going to take a long time and even then....well it won't be easy. What they think of me, or how much they know me ...well that would be completely blown away...they would have a whole new outlook on me. I mean my mind has so much going on in it that no one knows about its not even funny. Trying to gather my thoughts to show them who I really am would take some time. And hard as it may be for them to get to know me, it would be even harder for me to let them in. I mean even if somehow I let them in and finally let someone get to know me.....it would still only be thse 3....to everyone else, I'd still be unbreakable, invincible, nothing ever getting to me or making me cry...almost seeming like I have a heard of stone...like its been for quite some time...nothing could touch me. But then there came the one person I've ever loved and she started to turn it back into a heart...and slowly she'll find a place in it... and maybe aftr that she might be followed by the other 2. I mean out of everybody I've ever known.. these 3 have helped my through some of the toughest times in my life, each in doing so slowly opening my heart to feeling, maybe finding a place in my heart..I won't say names but if they read this they would know who they are...and I am so thankful for them. Without them, especiallymy hearts desire, I would be pretty much a gargoyle to the would. The guy has helped me through stuff all the way up through high school, the girl has helped me through some tough times since then(one of which was when the girl of my dreams was gone on something for school so I couldn't talk to her, the guy didn't get on so couldn't talk to him, and besides those 2 this other girl is the only person I feel comfortable talking to...and it just so happens that this time was the only time I've ever almost came to breaking, my weakest time in who knows when..s she'll never know how much that meant), the guy...well he has helped me through so much over the years...if it weren't fopr him, I'd be a completely different person, ....and this girl....well....it doesn't matter how bad my day has gone, or what has happened, just seeing her face...her smile, or even hearing her voice...it just brightens my day, lifts my spirit. She is the only person I've ever loved and the only person I've ever cared about this much. I mean the other 2 have helped me more than I know probably, but this girl, well she was the first to actually leave a mark in my heart....the first to start it turing back into a heart, the only one who I've ever let or started to let get close to me...and I pray about that everyday....and I just hope that she is in God's plan for me. The only think about having these 3 get so close is the fact that ya I look out for all the people I consider friends, but these 3 are different....they'll never know how much they mean to me, r how much I care about them or how far I'd go to look out for them or protect them. Oh well...I guess I'll tell them sometime.