Blah
Ok guys/girl I don't really know of anybody who reads this, at least that I know except like 1 person and she hardly ever checks it or reads mine so I think I'll just use this as sorta my way of just letting go. Ok, well I've just been thinking about a lot of stuff, most sorta depressing, and I think that last night is probably the first time in my life I actually cried myself to sleep. I'm completely bummed and about in the worst mood f my life, don't really want to talk about it, but that's the way I feel. Here's an idea of what I'm thinking.....any of yu ever have something so close yet so far away it seems you'll never get to it, like the person you care about most in the world, the one you would do anything for, but there are things that need to be sorted out before anything could happen between you and then I guess I just finally realized how hard its going to be, and what could go wrong and it just bummed me out. Let me put it this way, the girl I'm talking about, a year ago I didn't really even know, But over a mission trip I started to fall for her, and ever since then I've gotten to know her really well, better than most people would think, I mean we've told each other things about each other that no one else knows and I'd trust her with my life.....in fact in ever the need came up that in order to save her life, I'd have to give mine......I'd do it without second thought or hesitation. She means everything to me. Now there is a slight age difference between us, which is one of the reasons her dad isn't too overly fond of me, but that can be fixed. I'll just be patient til the age thing isn't such a big deal, I mean she is well worth the wait and the work to get a chance to get close to, and I'll wait as long as I have to. Now I know she may have other boyfriends before anything could happen between us, and I'll just have to deal with that, its her choice, I can't and won't try to force her in anything, so be that it may, as long as she doesn't deem any of these other guys "the one" than I'll continue to look out for her and wait for her. The only thing that kills me is the fact that if by some chance she did hook up with another guy, ya that'd suck, but I just don't want him to break her heart, cause I know that would suck for her, but it would kill me inside. Every time I se her cry, it tears me up inside, and I want to just go wrap her up and hug her til she knows everything is ok, but I can't always do that for whatever reason and believe me, that sucks...and hurts. Now I'm generally an upbeat guy, always happy, nothing really gets to me and my spirit is always strong...as well as the fact that besides last night I don't know how long its been since I've even shed a tear...lets just say I don't break easy and am normally pretty tough....but last night for a little while at least my spirit broke, which hasn't happened since as long as I can remember and my mood went down the flusher. I guess I just realized how difficult it would be for anything to work out between me and her and even at that, how long that would take, as well as what...or who....could happen before that....and that song pretty much sums me up over last night and today.........crapy. She's such an awesome girl, and she is really the one person next to Fro(only because I've known him since the stone age)I think I would trust with anything and could go to with anything(at least right now)...even getting to talk to her brightens my whole day. Now I can't call her really at all, cause for one shes normally sleeping, and second her dad normally answers the phone, and thats not fun. So since I've told her she can call me with anything and everything, which she has before, we normally talk til I have to plug my cell in since it ran out of battery power (from full power have you) on that one conversation...lets say we've gotten close to say the least. Anyway, I think I've gotten to know her enough that I can kinda know what he is feeling or thinking just from her tone or expressions, which is awesome, but she tries so hard to hide it sometimes, and other times when I know something is wrong, we're in a bunch of people or somewhere doing something where we can't really just get away and talk for a while, and that bumms me out as well. I mean I'd take a bullet for her, go into a burning building after her, swim the ocean to get to her, I'd pretty much do anything for here...and I've told her how I feel, but I still don't think she knows how much I feel about it. So ya, to say the least, I think I'm more bummed than I ever have been before... :( ....and ya, blah on everything for the moment.