(no subject)
So... Lengthy times between posts aside...
Yesterday marks one year.
A year since I had not only told my friends and family, as that happened even before then, but a year since I started DOING something about it all...
And... It actually feels pretty damn special.
Heh, it's like having a birthday I actually care about... We didn't do anything special or any of that, I didn't actually say much about it out loud, but it was pretty cool...
G made some awesome food though, too... Providing no one else pounced the leftovers, that's so gonna be lunch. :3
That I didn't celebrate or anything... I dunno, it feels a little bitter-sweet, but at the same time, it was overall a perfect day.
It's complex, I want to celebrate it, yet considering all... The point of this.
Someone I spoke to a few months back put it more perfectly to words than I ever can... And I don't even know if I can quote what he said perfectly enough to get the idea and feeling across...
All I'm going through, and all I am STILL going through... Well... It's nice, it's freeing, it's finally at long last being able to stand up, almost as mySELF for once, and be recognized for that.
But... To the counterpoint of that, there IS some loss... Joyous, yes. But loss is still loss, and therefor bitter-sweet.
It's nice to finally be more 'myself', and be seen and called as I should always have been... But I wasn't always so.
To put it in other words... Once upon a time, I had... Well, it was like having control of ones own girl... If I wanted her to dress a certain way, she would. Act a certain way, she did that, too.
I never realized that much at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?
Would I go back to having control of that? No. Never.
But do I occasionally miss it? ... Yes, at times. But would I ever want to revert to it? No. Not even if someone payed me.
Basically though, the point I'm no doubt failing to get across, is the enjoyable bitter-sweetness to it all. Thinking back over it all, the feeling I get, is rather what I remember good semi-sweet chocolate tasting like... Bitter enough to make your nose crinkle ever so slightly, but perfectly flavored aside from that.
I dunno where that part came from. *shrug* Just trying to put descriptions to hard to describe feelings I guess...
I don't even know why I write these... Though I do enjoy reading back over them later. I suppose that's why.
... I just find it interesting, one always has to sacrifice something for happiness, even if you WANT to give it up, it's still a sacrifice. It's still something one has to give in exchange for what they take.
Everything has a cost... Though... With every passing day, I do often find myself thinking that this one thing at least. I think I've broke even for once.
Heh, I think I'm a bit jaded, life has been... Difficult. So it's fairly irregular for me to feel like things are very 'equal'...
Eeh, if I remember my tangent I'll perhaps type more later... But for now, dishes need washing and whatnot...
Yesterday marks one year.
A year since I had not only told my friends and family, as that happened even before then, but a year since I started DOING something about it all...
And... It actually feels pretty damn special.
Heh, it's like having a birthday I actually care about... We didn't do anything special or any of that, I didn't actually say much about it out loud, but it was pretty cool...
G made some awesome food though, too... Providing no one else pounced the leftovers, that's so gonna be lunch. :3
That I didn't celebrate or anything... I dunno, it feels a little bitter-sweet, but at the same time, it was overall a perfect day.
It's complex, I want to celebrate it, yet considering all... The point of this.
Someone I spoke to a few months back put it more perfectly to words than I ever can... And I don't even know if I can quote what he said perfectly enough to get the idea and feeling across...
All I'm going through, and all I am STILL going through... Well... It's nice, it's freeing, it's finally at long last being able to stand up, almost as mySELF for once, and be recognized for that.
But... To the counterpoint of that, there IS some loss... Joyous, yes. But loss is still loss, and therefor bitter-sweet.
It's nice to finally be more 'myself', and be seen and called as I should always have been... But I wasn't always so.
To put it in other words... Once upon a time, I had... Well, it was like having control of ones own girl... If I wanted her to dress a certain way, she would. Act a certain way, she did that, too.
I never realized that much at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?
Would I go back to having control of that? No. Never.
But do I occasionally miss it? ... Yes, at times. But would I ever want to revert to it? No. Not even if someone payed me.
Basically though, the point I'm no doubt failing to get across, is the enjoyable bitter-sweetness to it all. Thinking back over it all, the feeling I get, is rather what I remember good semi-sweet chocolate tasting like... Bitter enough to make your nose crinkle ever so slightly, but perfectly flavored aside from that.
I dunno where that part came from. *shrug* Just trying to put descriptions to hard to describe feelings I guess...
I don't even know why I write these... Though I do enjoy reading back over them later. I suppose that's why.
... I just find it interesting, one always has to sacrifice something for happiness, even if you WANT to give it up, it's still a sacrifice. It's still something one has to give in exchange for what they take.
Everything has a cost... Though... With every passing day, I do often find myself thinking that this one thing at least. I think I've broke even for once.
Heh, I think I'm a bit jaded, life has been... Difficult. So it's fairly irregular for me to feel like things are very 'equal'...
Eeh, if I remember my tangent I'll perhaps type more later... But for now, dishes need washing and whatnot...