(no subject)
Title: Another Man's Treasure
Author: darth_begbie
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard established relationship
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:Unbetaed. Crack fic.
Notes: This is my entry for the Stargate Atlantis Urban Legends Challenge Second Edition
My legend was #25 Clever people entice thieves into stealing trash during garbage strikes by gift wrapping it
Spoiler: Set mid to late season 3. Post Irresponsible/Pre-Sunday.
“New friends, you must be my guests for the end feast,” Polsip said. The team had been in negotiations with the inhabitants of Drucara for the better part of two days. The Drucarians were a pleasant bunch for the most part. They had offered, rather graciously, a sample of their technology. Polsip had expounded at length that their biological weapon was famed throughout their system and was highly prized among their trading partners.
Teyla had never heard of such a weapon. However, she conceded that that could simply be the fact that she had never dealt personally with the Drucarians before. They would not deal directly with a female negotiator, so the talks had fallen to John.
The team had discussed the issue of continuing talks or sending for another team to take over. In the end they had decided that any weapon that could be adapted for use against the Wraith was worth the effort. The Drucarian weren’t hostile or threatening. They did, however tend to treat the women in their midst with a rather annoying measure of condescension.
Teyla had gracefully bore it out when dealing with the Drucarian delegates. When Sheppard had started acting like the irritating sibling that she had never wanted, she flashed tight smiles and dark glares in her teammates’ directions that promised pain and suffering of truly epic proportions at her earliest convenience.
They were shown to their accommodations for the evening to rest before the closing feast. Rodney had grabbed John by the arm and had dragged him into one of the two guest bedrooms. Ronon had thrown a pleading look in their direction as Teyla ushered him into the other room with a promise that they had time to practice Ronon’s meditation techniques before the banquet. Well, Ronon had to have known he was taking his life into his own hands when he had addressed Teyla as ‘Woman’ in front of their hosts earlier. Rodney had no sympathy at all.
“Meditation techniques. Is that code for angry sex?”, Rodney asked , closing the door behind himself, “The last time they meditated together Ronon showed up in the mess with a black eye.”
“What? No! They’re not like that,” John replied.
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Of course not.”
John continued stripping off his field vest. Throwing a glance over his shoulder , he waggled his eyebrows at Rodney before bending over to unlace his boots.
“You’re a filthy tease.” Rodney said throwing himself down on the bed. No matter how non threatening their hosts seemed, Colonel Paranoia wouldn’t break their ‘No Nookie Offworld’ rule.
John curled around Rodney on the rather good sized bed. Rodney made a mental note see if they could barter for one of these to replace the joke of a bed in Sheppard’s quarters.
Rodney kissed John deeply. He stroked that short hairs on the back of Sheppard’s neck and hummed contentedly.
“You want to come by my quarters and watch a movie when we get back to the city?” he asked John.
“Is that code for angry sex?’
“Mmm-hmm, I’d like a shot at this first,” Rodney patted John’s ass, “You know, before Teyla shoves a bantos stick up there.”
“She knows I was just kidding. “ John replied with conviction that he didn’t feel. “I kid because I care.”
“Whatever,” Rodney replied as he sat up and reached for his laptop. “The finger snapping was definitely out of line.”
John took a full minute to absorb the irony of that statement before reaching for his field notebook to jot down a few details of the talks for his report to Elizabeth.
After about thirty minutes of working in companionable silence, Polsip’s wife “call me Meami!” knocked on their door to call the team to the feast.
“You boys head on to the banquet hall, I’ll show Teyla the way to the kitchen,” Meami said airily.
All kidding aside, Sheppard was uncomfortable with splitting the team up.
“If you need extra help, I’ll be glad to lend a hand.” John said, smiling at Meami.
The woman batted her brightly painted eyelids at him and replied that it was traditional for all the women to help prepare the feast.
Her eyes alight with what could only be described as malicious glee, Teyla smoothly interjected that she would, of course be honored to help with preparing the meal.
“Oh my god, we’re so dead. “ Rodney moaned.
“Everything will be fine,” John put on his brave face.
“Come on Sheppard, her cooking sucks even when she’s not pissed.” Ronon added his two cents.
Sheppard led the way to the banquet hall like a man marching off to his own execution.
In retrospect the feast wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Everything had been going along well. Too well. Suspiciously well, in Rodney’s opinion. He spent most of the dinner waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing was poisonous. Even Teyla’s contribution to the meal wasn‘t so bad. (And why did the Drucarians have a root vegetable so similar to Tuttle root? )
After a lifetime of institutionalized fare, Rodney was fairly immune to crappy food. In fact it was pretty amusing to sit back and watch the brave few who tried to choke down some not-Tuttle soup. The various wives sitting at the table seemed to get a huge kick out of it. More than one woman had asked Teyla for the recipe at some point during the festivities.
Even the closing after the closing speeches and the presentation of a vial containing a sample of the Drucarian weapon, Rodney kept expecting the worst. This is the part where the vial breaks and kills them all. But nothing happened.
Except for the fact that all the remaining soup was packed up securely for them to take with them.
“In case you get hungry on your return trip,” Polsip smiled tightly .
“Its a twenty minute walk to the Gate,” John replied with a frown.
“We insist.”
So with the vial securely in John’s vest pocket and Ronon hauling a four gallon, hermetically sealed container of soup, they set off for the Gate. After fifteen minutes, Rodney remarked on how pleasantly surprised he was at how easy the mission had gone.
Naturally this is the point where they got mugged.
The Genii soldiers had been waiting to ambush them near the Gate. There were only three of them but they had the element of surprise on their side. In the ensuing scuffle, Sheppard was knocked off his feet as the soldiers aimed their weapons at the rest of the team.
News of the Drucarians’ biological weapon had reached the few Genii still loyal to Cowen. With this weapon they would defeat the Wraith and take back their homeworld from the leadership of Ladon.
In true evil overlord style the leader of the soldiers outlined this whole plan and then gestured at Ronon with his gun.
“Now hand over that weapon.”
Ronon looked down at the container of soup. He looked back up at the Genii soldier.
“Okay,” Ronon shrugged and handed over the soup.
Whooping with victory, the lead soldier ordered one of his men to start dialing. The remaining soldier covered them until the wormhole engaged.
“Don’t try anything stupid.” the Genii said as he picked up the soup and backed toward the Gate. The three soldiers turned and ran through with their ill-gotten goods.
The team exchanged looks with one another and were oddly silent for a moment. It was Teyla who lost it first. She started laughing , leaning against a red-faced giggling Rodney, tears streaming down her face. Ronon caught his breath between guffaws and offered a hand up to Sheppard, who still lay sprawled on the ground making sounds like a dying mule.
Sheppard stood and asked Rodney to dial home. He patted down his vest and encountered a damp spot near the pocket where the vial was stored.
“Oh crap,” he said, “I think we have a problem.”
They had arrived back in Atlantis to a flurry of activity. Teyla had radioed ahead for quarantine procedures and a med team. Carson had thoroughly examined the team and kept them for observation when no immediate symptoms appeared. A hazmat suited science team had fished the remains of the vial from Sheppard’s vest and studied the contents as a second team contacted the Drucarians for more info on the ingredients and affects of their weapon.
Now a day and a half later, John was reading in his quarters. Carson had pronounced the team in perfect health and the vial had been declared harmless to humans.
The door chime sounded and a second later Rodney walked in carrying a DVD case.
“I brought Toxic Avenger.” Rodney said with a grin.
“Cute,” John replied and went to set up his laptop. “So the Drucarians never had a bio weapon at all?”
“Actually, technically it is a biological weapon. It was just never intended to be used against humans ,” Rodney explained. “Evidently, there used to be a huge mosquito population on Drucara.”
“So its bug spray?”
“Its also a wearable insect repellent, too. No skin irritants and a piney smell,” Rodney enthused, “ I got another sample of it."
John hit play on the DVD and settled back against the headboard. Rodney kicked off his shoes and got comfortable on the bed next to John.
“Did I mention that its also very slippery?”
Author: darth_begbie
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard established relationship
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:Unbetaed. Crack fic.
Notes: This is my entry for the Stargate Atlantis Urban Legends Challenge Second Edition
My legend was #25 Clever people entice thieves into stealing trash during garbage strikes by gift wrapping it
Spoiler: Set mid to late season 3. Post Irresponsible/Pre-Sunday.
“New friends, you must be my guests for the end feast,” Polsip said. The team had been in negotiations with the inhabitants of Drucara for the better part of two days. The Drucarians were a pleasant bunch for the most part. They had offered, rather graciously, a sample of their technology. Polsip had expounded at length that their biological weapon was famed throughout their system and was highly prized among their trading partners.
Teyla had never heard of such a weapon. However, she conceded that that could simply be the fact that she had never dealt personally with the Drucarians before. They would not deal directly with a female negotiator, so the talks had fallen to John.
The team had discussed the issue of continuing talks or sending for another team to take over. In the end they had decided that any weapon that could be adapted for use against the Wraith was worth the effort. The Drucarian weren’t hostile or threatening. They did, however tend to treat the women in their midst with a rather annoying measure of condescension.
Teyla had gracefully bore it out when dealing with the Drucarian delegates. When Sheppard had started acting like the irritating sibling that she had never wanted, she flashed tight smiles and dark glares in her teammates’ directions that promised pain and suffering of truly epic proportions at her earliest convenience.
They were shown to their accommodations for the evening to rest before the closing feast. Rodney had grabbed John by the arm and had dragged him into one of the two guest bedrooms. Ronon had thrown a pleading look in their direction as Teyla ushered him into the other room with a promise that they had time to practice Ronon’s meditation techniques before the banquet. Well, Ronon had to have known he was taking his life into his own hands when he had addressed Teyla as ‘Woman’ in front of their hosts earlier. Rodney had no sympathy at all.
“Meditation techniques. Is that code for angry sex?”, Rodney asked , closing the door behind himself, “The last time they meditated together Ronon showed up in the mess with a black eye.”
“What? No! They’re not like that,” John replied.
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Of course not.”
John continued stripping off his field vest. Throwing a glance over his shoulder , he waggled his eyebrows at Rodney before bending over to unlace his boots.
“You’re a filthy tease.” Rodney said throwing himself down on the bed. No matter how non threatening their hosts seemed, Colonel Paranoia wouldn’t break their ‘No Nookie Offworld’ rule.
John curled around Rodney on the rather good sized bed. Rodney made a mental note see if they could barter for one of these to replace the joke of a bed in Sheppard’s quarters.
Rodney kissed John deeply. He stroked that short hairs on the back of Sheppard’s neck and hummed contentedly.
“You want to come by my quarters and watch a movie when we get back to the city?” he asked John.
“Is that code for angry sex?’
“Mmm-hmm, I’d like a shot at this first,” Rodney patted John’s ass, “You know, before Teyla shoves a bantos stick up there.”
“She knows I was just kidding. “ John replied with conviction that he didn’t feel. “I kid because I care.”
“Whatever,” Rodney replied as he sat up and reached for his laptop. “The finger snapping was definitely out of line.”
John took a full minute to absorb the irony of that statement before reaching for his field notebook to jot down a few details of the talks for his report to Elizabeth.
After about thirty minutes of working in companionable silence, Polsip’s wife “call me Meami!” knocked on their door to call the team to the feast.
“You boys head on to the banquet hall, I’ll show Teyla the way to the kitchen,” Meami said airily.
All kidding aside, Sheppard was uncomfortable with splitting the team up.
“If you need extra help, I’ll be glad to lend a hand.” John said, smiling at Meami.
The woman batted her brightly painted eyelids at him and replied that it was traditional for all the women to help prepare the feast.
Her eyes alight with what could only be described as malicious glee, Teyla smoothly interjected that she would, of course be honored to help with preparing the meal.
“Oh my god, we’re so dead. “ Rodney moaned.
“Everything will be fine,” John put on his brave face.
“Come on Sheppard, her cooking sucks even when she’s not pissed.” Ronon added his two cents.
Sheppard led the way to the banquet hall like a man marching off to his own execution.
In retrospect the feast wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Everything had been going along well. Too well. Suspiciously well, in Rodney’s opinion. He spent most of the dinner waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing was poisonous. Even Teyla’s contribution to the meal wasn‘t so bad. (And why did the Drucarians have a root vegetable so similar to Tuttle root? )
After a lifetime of institutionalized fare, Rodney was fairly immune to crappy food. In fact it was pretty amusing to sit back and watch the brave few who tried to choke down some not-Tuttle soup. The various wives sitting at the table seemed to get a huge kick out of it. More than one woman had asked Teyla for the recipe at some point during the festivities.
Even the closing after the closing speeches and the presentation of a vial containing a sample of the Drucarian weapon, Rodney kept expecting the worst. This is the part where the vial breaks and kills them all. But nothing happened.
Except for the fact that all the remaining soup was packed up securely for them to take with them.
“In case you get hungry on your return trip,” Polsip smiled tightly .
“Its a twenty minute walk to the Gate,” John replied with a frown.
“We insist.”
So with the vial securely in John’s vest pocket and Ronon hauling a four gallon, hermetically sealed container of soup, they set off for the Gate. After fifteen minutes, Rodney remarked on how pleasantly surprised he was at how easy the mission had gone.
Naturally this is the point where they got mugged.
The Genii soldiers had been waiting to ambush them near the Gate. There were only three of them but they had the element of surprise on their side. In the ensuing scuffle, Sheppard was knocked off his feet as the soldiers aimed their weapons at the rest of the team.
News of the Drucarians’ biological weapon had reached the few Genii still loyal to Cowen. With this weapon they would defeat the Wraith and take back their homeworld from the leadership of Ladon.
In true evil overlord style the leader of the soldiers outlined this whole plan and then gestured at Ronon with his gun.
“Now hand over that weapon.”
Ronon looked down at the container of soup. He looked back up at the Genii soldier.
“Okay,” Ronon shrugged and handed over the soup.
Whooping with victory, the lead soldier ordered one of his men to start dialing. The remaining soldier covered them until the wormhole engaged.
“Don’t try anything stupid.” the Genii said as he picked up the soup and backed toward the Gate. The three soldiers turned and ran through with their ill-gotten goods.
The team exchanged looks with one another and were oddly silent for a moment. It was Teyla who lost it first. She started laughing , leaning against a red-faced giggling Rodney, tears streaming down her face. Ronon caught his breath between guffaws and offered a hand up to Sheppard, who still lay sprawled on the ground making sounds like a dying mule.
Sheppard stood and asked Rodney to dial home. He patted down his vest and encountered a damp spot near the pocket where the vial was stored.
“Oh crap,” he said, “I think we have a problem.”
They had arrived back in Atlantis to a flurry of activity. Teyla had radioed ahead for quarantine procedures and a med team. Carson had thoroughly examined the team and kept them for observation when no immediate symptoms appeared. A hazmat suited science team had fished the remains of the vial from Sheppard’s vest and studied the contents as a second team contacted the Drucarians for more info on the ingredients and affects of their weapon.
Now a day and a half later, John was reading in his quarters. Carson had pronounced the team in perfect health and the vial had been declared harmless to humans.
The door chime sounded and a second later Rodney walked in carrying a DVD case.
“I brought Toxic Avenger.” Rodney said with a grin.
“Cute,” John replied and went to set up his laptop. “So the Drucarians never had a bio weapon at all?”
“Actually, technically it is a biological weapon. It was just never intended to be used against humans ,” Rodney explained. “Evidently, there used to be a huge mosquito population on Drucara.”
“So its bug spray?”
“Its also a wearable insect repellent, too. No skin irritants and a piney smell,” Rodney enthused, “ I got another sample of it."
John hit play on the DVD and settled back against the headboard. Rodney kicked off his shoes and got comfortable on the bed next to John.
“Did I mention that its also very slippery?”