i'm supposed to be in bed...
hmmm, i told my bf i was going to bed and yet here i am - writing. i think this makes me a liar. this is a funny segue into what i was going to comment on, which was barcodedmaggot's reply to me about the cheating thing. he said, I trust people who admit they are sluts - both men and women - before I trust the person who is putting up the squeaky clean facade, and it gave me pause. i was going to answer something about how i haven't cheated (haha - squeaky clean facade!) and then i started wondering if i am a cheater!
maybe if you have to wonder, or check with someone, or think too long about it - maybe you are guilty. and maybe i'm not asleep because it's on my mind cuz i have some kind of guilty conscience.
or maybe i haven't written much lately and i know there's stuff in general in my head that i can't quite get out - and this was something to jump on. lol.
this is my roundabout way of thinking/saying/wondering a couple of things: i personally believe that you can't start something with someone unless you're free from other entanglements - or the relationship you start is ultimately doomed somehow. it's a good reason (among many) not to cheat. but, as i went over ancient history, i realized that i totally fell for my bf when i was actually in love with someone else. i guess that's a weird 'timing thing'. you can't always choose who you love, sometimes it just "happens", etc. or maybe those are the semantics we use to rewrite the ancient history and justify. i'm not sure. lol, so my self-morality check was me asking my bf if he thought we 'cheated'. he doesn't think so. hahaha. yeah, awesomely scientific poll, right? in the clearer light of the here and now, though, after all the "wow, i really am so NOT in love with that ex" and how it's literally been years that i loved this person - i can see more how we were just really, amazing friends (well, i saw that at the time, actually) and there was that cliched "underlying chemistry" happening.
maybe it's just all weird and jumbled because i rarely 'spark' with anyone, let alone crush. err, i take that back - i mean, 'crush' can be thinking someone is pretty or whatever - but it's a very, very rare guy that makes me wonder what makes them tick and how to get a little deeper. ha - it's a rare guy that makes me think they even have a 'deeper'! i am adult enough to know that a spark isn't the same as jumping on someone and tearing their clothes off and foresaking a relationship's fidelity for them, though. i was a good girl, even if i occasionally realized i thought about my friend a lot and really liked the way he understood things about me that other people didn't. it wasn't a "comparing boy A to man B" thing. different people just rub off on you in different ways.
all this time after the 'ancient history' stuff, i realize it's probably the best thing in the world for me that the thing with the ex crashed and burned so completely. i would have stayed (with the ex - that a lot of people hated for me) and i would have missed out on the stuff i got to learn/share/experience all the stuff with the bf that obviously would have been off limits if i was just a female friend to him. and knowing there's all those complicated male/female friendship rules - who knows if he would have even stayed my friend if i continued to be in the other relationship? in hindsight, i soooooooooo didn't realize what the tension was at the time. my old, rose-colored glasses self would have thought we could have been friends no matter what but...the realist/cynic in me says maybe not. and, he really is my BFF. everyone needs a bff!!
so...while i was still wondering 'hmm, was that cheating?" if the spark started when i was with someone else - i think i do take the bf's word that it wasn't. not because it is self-serving but because i really did have to get sooooooo over the ex before i could realize what i 'had in front of me all along', so to speak. i also think in a weird way that he knows i'm actually pretty honest about fidelity rather than a huge whore - haha - cuz things with us would probably have been way different if i had been bad - but i wasn't! so, maybe that makes me a better bet than some girls.
in the end, i think i like turning this over in my head - not because of the cosmic cheating question, but because i like thinking about all that time, and the history...and how no one else in my life has the same kind of attraction. it makes me feel warm and toasty on the inside to think about history and things that are GOOD instead of it being something that fell by the wayside or got boring or kicked to the curb. knock wood. so far...
:)
i'm too much of a cynic to say 'some things are meant to be', so i'll just shut up now and REALLY go to bed now while i'm warm and toasty!
maybe if you have to wonder, or check with someone, or think too long about it - maybe you are guilty. and maybe i'm not asleep because it's on my mind cuz i have some kind of guilty conscience.
or maybe i haven't written much lately and i know there's stuff in general in my head that i can't quite get out - and this was something to jump on. lol.
this is my roundabout way of thinking/saying/wondering a couple of things: i personally believe that you can't start something with someone unless you're free from other entanglements - or the relationship you start is ultimately doomed somehow. it's a good reason (among many) not to cheat. but, as i went over ancient history, i realized that i totally fell for my bf when i was actually in love with someone else. i guess that's a weird 'timing thing'. you can't always choose who you love, sometimes it just "happens", etc. or maybe those are the semantics we use to rewrite the ancient history and justify. i'm not sure. lol, so my self-morality check was me asking my bf if he thought we 'cheated'. he doesn't think so. hahaha. yeah, awesomely scientific poll, right? in the clearer light of the here and now, though, after all the "wow, i really am so NOT in love with that ex" and how it's literally been years that i loved this person - i can see more how we were just really, amazing friends (well, i saw that at the time, actually) and there was that cliched "underlying chemistry" happening.
maybe it's just all weird and jumbled because i rarely 'spark' with anyone, let alone crush. err, i take that back - i mean, 'crush' can be thinking someone is pretty or whatever - but it's a very, very rare guy that makes me wonder what makes them tick and how to get a little deeper. ha - it's a rare guy that makes me think they even have a 'deeper'! i am adult enough to know that a spark isn't the same as jumping on someone and tearing their clothes off and foresaking a relationship's fidelity for them, though. i was a good girl, even if i occasionally realized i thought about my friend a lot and really liked the way he understood things about me that other people didn't. it wasn't a "comparing boy A to man B" thing. different people just rub off on you in different ways.
all this time after the 'ancient history' stuff, i realize it's probably the best thing in the world for me that the thing with the ex crashed and burned so completely. i would have stayed (with the ex - that a lot of people hated for me) and i would have missed out on the stuff i got to learn/share/experience all the stuff with the bf that obviously would have been off limits if i was just a female friend to him. and knowing there's all those complicated male/female friendship rules - who knows if he would have even stayed my friend if i continued to be in the other relationship? in hindsight, i soooooooooo didn't realize what the tension was at the time. my old, rose-colored glasses self would have thought we could have been friends no matter what but...the realist/cynic in me says maybe not. and, he really is my BFF. everyone needs a bff!!
so...while i was still wondering 'hmm, was that cheating?" if the spark started when i was with someone else - i think i do take the bf's word that it wasn't. not because it is self-serving but because i really did have to get sooooooo over the ex before i could realize what i 'had in front of me all along', so to speak. i also think in a weird way that he knows i'm actually pretty honest about fidelity rather than a huge whore - haha - cuz things with us would probably have been way different if i had been bad - but i wasn't! so, maybe that makes me a better bet than some girls.
in the end, i think i like turning this over in my head - not because of the cosmic cheating question, but because i like thinking about all that time, and the history...and how no one else in my life has the same kind of attraction. it makes me feel warm and toasty on the inside to think about history and things that are GOOD instead of it being something that fell by the wayside or got boring or kicked to the curb. knock wood. so far...
:)
i'm too much of a cynic to say 'some things are meant to be', so i'll just shut up now and REALLY go to bed now while i'm warm and toasty!