Stress.
Okay, so here I am, a lot calmer and hopefully able to write this in a comprehensible way. This post has two parts: one regarding some confussion that happend with my teacher and the other part it's about problems at home.
It's going to be really long, sorry. And I haven't checked for mistakes, I hope it's not too bad.
- Problems at Uni:
I'm about to graduate and have to do my dissertation: I had to turn in a first draft of it in February 20th, my teacher was supposed to give me feedback about it and then, taking into account his opinion about my progress, I was supposed to finish it and then turn in the final version on April 15th.
Well, so I did a lot of investigation, wrote the first version of the project and sent it to my teacher (I was a bit nervous because I was under the impression that the conclusions I reached were a bit speculative: not that you can work with more than speculations in the prehistory field). A month passed and he was not answering, so I continued working on the dissertation and thought I would just add his input when he finally decided to tell me something. Just a week before I was supposed to turn in the final version he still hadn't contacted me, so I wrote an e-mail to him asking what he thought about it because the deadline was in a few days and I didn't know if what I had written was any good or if he was expecting something else. I don't know, I just wanted him to say something: "it's good" or "it's bad" at least, it shouldn't be that difficult (that's what I thought).
It was that difficult apparently. He wrote a very cryptic e-mail saying something like this: "The work you propose is acceptable. Just a couple of issues: in my opinion it is too broad (it could have been focused on a specific point) and it is interesting that the contents are appropriate to a graduate degree level. In any case, these options are left to the student's choice". I was kind of confused with this message, in English the sentence about my level makes more sense than in Spanish, but I kind of understood that he was telling me my dissertation didn't have enough level. I freaked out. I sent the message to all my friends and my sister (she is a teacher) and everyone told me he was saying the opposite: my level was too high. In the end I thought: "If the decision is left to my choice, what should I do? Lower the level?" What I did was leave it as it was; if anything, I raised the level a bit: if it was low I made it better and, if it was too high, I don't know, deal with it man, and get a textbook if there's something you don't understand. xD
Fortunately just yesterday he gave me the OK to defend the dissertation but didn't comment any further on the quality of the contents, just "OK to do the exam".
The other problem: I was contacted from the Administrative Department of my uni and some guy over the phone told me that there was a problem with one of my subjects. When I was studing Math I had to make a Scientific English exam -which I passed- and then, when I started studyng History, they recognised that exam as the same I had to do in the History department; that way I was free from doing that subject again and it appeared on my academic record with it's corresponding credits and all. Well, this man who called me said that it was a mistake (on my part!) and that I hadn't acquired the level of english required to graduate. I wrote a message telling them that it was not my problem that THEY had made a mistake: I had not requested that they accepted my "Scientific English" class as "Modern Language", they did it automatically and it even appeared on the validation sheet with both courses as equivalent; so I told them they had to fix it as I'm about to graduate and I don't want to stay another year studing only English when I was planning on starting my masters course next year. Within two days they sent me a bank account number that I was to use to pay for the subject, even if it was clearly too late to enroll in any subject this late in the year. End result: I have another extra exam in September. :(
-Lastly, the main source of my stress and emotional breakdown: My parents, again.
My mom started with the silent treatment again and the atmosphere at home was too tense and I couldn't stand it anymore. One day I woke up crying and when my mother found out she actually got mad; I had to call my sister on the phone and she spent a good hour trying to calm me down. Some weeks passed this way and it seems they've talked it out again and everything is going back to "normal", which is a relief, now I can study without added stress.
While all of this was happening I did a bit of thinking and everything I'm going to say is kind of random, but I have to get it off my chest. I've reached the consclusion that being at home and having no outside life (I like it that way, it's not like I was forced to live and introvert's life) has stunted my emotional growth and social hability. I've become too dependent on the enviroment that I live in, but it's imposibble to control the atmosphere that you have at home when the are other people living with you, specially people who have been married for more than 30 years, have a clear dynamic with each other and problems that date years back and have yet to be resolved. I like having a good, relaxed atmosphere at what I consider my home, I want to be able to relax and enjoy reading or watching TV without having to think if what my father said is going to upset my mother or the other way around. Usually it's small thigs that trigger the "fights" and the result is my mom not speaking with anyone and sometimes, when my dad goes to town to buy something, she'll try to confide in me, and it makes me really unconfortable because I can understand why she's upset (and know that part of the problem she has is not what my father said the last time they fought but something he said 15 years ago) but I can also understand that my dad is not totally at fault and that she's overreacting and being very uncoperative (and tired).
In the end, the behaviour that naturally comes to me is distancing myself from them, I spend less time with them if I can, I space out when I'm with them and do my own thing; and as a result I'm starting to not care about them, I'm seeing them as if they were acquaintances: I'm becoming selfish and the worst part of it is that I don't really care that this change in me is taking place. I guess it's really sad when you reach this point, specially if you take into acount that my parents are the two only people that I have regular contact with. I don't keep many friends from my school days (only one actually, and I don't see him enough to be considered a big presence in my life, last time I saw him was three years ago), my sister lives on the other side of the country and I have studied my carrer at home so I don't have any university friends, I'm all alone except for the people I talk to on the internet. I have no one to turn to and talk my problems with (my sister would say otherwise but when I call her she's always busy and I feel like I'm imposing on her even if she says it's OK to speak for as long as I need).
I'm changing my life cycle so I can spend more time on my own, I go to bed later and wake up later, try to spend more time by myself. It's a strange sensation, I'm sad without feelings, if that makes any sense. I still have crying fits sometimes when it becomes too much (or I'm too hormonal to control my feelings and can't take much shit from others), but that kind of emotionless state is still there, and I can't find it in myself to care. The only things I look forward to these days is finishing my studies and get out of the house, be on my own and being able to care about myself without having to worry about how bad I feel at home or feeling like I'm being selfish for worrying about myself when my parents are going through rough times.
My sister told me when I last called her to let out my feelings that she was a bit lucky in comparison to me because she's always had a boyfriend while she was at home with my parents and she also had many friends: she had an outlet to her feelings and frustrations, she was able to talk things with other people.
It's been many years since I've had a boyfriend or girlfriend (since I was a teenager, actually) and I've never really felt that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy, I still don't think it necessary, but I kind of miss having an attachment to someone, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship (I don't know if I'm capable of romantic feelings, I've never had them and don't know if I ever will, and I don't know if people will be accepting of that situation when starting a relationship with me), just companionship, caring about someone and knowing they are there if you need them (and the other way around), have fun with them.
I hate it when my family takes for granted that I will always be at my parents' house. I hate that people treat me like I'm an innocent child because I still live at my parents' house and assume things about me, and then restrict the things that they talk to me about because of it. For example: my sister thought I had never had sex with anyone before, so she never talked about sex things with me; the other day she read a Whatsapp conversation I had with a friend and found out that I first had sex when I was fifteen and then, once it was "confirmed" that I was not a kid anymore, she told me all of her sex life like she'd been holding back for years. For fuck's sake, I'm 27, even if I was a virgin you can talk about sex with me, I'm not stupid.
So, while I was having my emotional epiphany, I reached the conlclusion that I really souldn't have to be going through this, at almost 28 (gosh, I'm approaching my thirties way too fast for my liking) I should be having my own problems, not having to witness and suffer other people's problems.
I obviously need a change of pace.
I crave being at ease.