(no subject)
Okay, so I wasn’t paying much attention at the start of the episode so, while I acknowledge that stuff probably happened before my first memory of the episode, I won’t be writing it. So…here goes.
McCoy: [to Kirk] You know, Spock’s been weird lately.
Kirk: Really? Like, weird how?
McCoy: Oh, you know, showing emotions and not eating and stuff. I’m sure it’s nothing.
Kirk: Well, if you say so…
McCoy: And Nurse Chapel’s got it all covered anyway! She’s brought him some soup in his quarters, which are conveniently located about 3 feet in front of us.
[Soup hits the wall right in front of their faces, and I feel horrible for whatever red/blue tunic-shirted person has to clean that up, because Spock’s got quite the throwing arm. If he’d avoided that rice picker, he’d have been a great pitcher. Anyway, Chapel comes stumbling out after the soup, in short skirts and looking terrified as is the general role of Starfleet women.]
Spock: NO WOMEN IN MY ROOM! DO NOT WANT! Do not want!!!
Kirk: …
Spock: [sees him] …women. Do not want …women. [goes back into his room]
Kirk: Well, this is bad.
At this point, there are several scenes of Trying to Assess the Problem. Bones and Kirk both suck at it. But Kirk’s got his determined face on, so he’ll think of something. Even when they finally think of asking Spock, Kirk gets nothing but that irritated eyebrow quirk. Spock asks for a leave of absence, which is ~shocking~. Kirk tries even more valiantly to discover the source of Spock’s irrational behavior. He probably does everything short of offering sexual favors, and even then it’s probably implied, but he doesn’t get much. Spock is too shy. But eventually, we find out from Bones that it’s a chemical thing, and if something doesn’t change, Spock will ~die~. Yeah, like any of us believe that will happen. Remember, Kirk is determined. He grants Spock his leave of absence, and even diverts to Vulcan on Spock’s request. But then…
Starfleet: No going to Vulcan!
Kirk: But…
Starfleet: No!
Kirk: … Okay.
They change course about 9 trillion times, debating between regulations and Spock’s need and Jim’s disregard of everything that’s not vaguely green. Spock, under the influence of his currently unnamed malady, orders a course change for Vulcan…again, and when Kirk corrects it, Sulu jokes to Chekov to plot a course back to Vulcan anyway. And they end up using it, because what Spock needs is on Vulcan. Or, you know, sitting in the Captain’s chair. Clever Asian.
I think somewhere during this Spock confesses to Kirk that he is in the throes of Pon Farr, although I can’t remember why because he was pretty set on letting himself die before he confessed that he was going through what is basically Vulcan puberty. Or something. Anyway, he acts very much like a 13 year old girl asking her father for a tampon.
When they reach Vulcan, a pretty girl appears on the screen, requesting Spock. You can see in her eyes that she is a Bitch. I mean this, and I don’t know if this girl is just a good actor or is really a bitch, but this T’Pring character emanates Bitch even before she speaks. She practically starts singing that song by Christina Aguilera, you know the one that was a lame attempt at a comeback. She’s all like…
T’Pring: All days I'm a Superbich...what? Oh, Spock, here is some poetry I learned when I was a kid, but I so obviously don’t mean it…Um, let’s see…Touching, touched, parting, parted…wow, this stuff is kind of dirty for Vulcan ritual, isn’t it? And also in English, what’s up with that…Oh, and I’m waiting for you, ta-ta!
Spock: You’re a bitch.
Okay, I lied, he actually just repeats after her and then the camera pans dramatically to Kirk, and I think McCoy, but excuse me if I was distracted by the utter look of bewilderment William Shatner gives that camera. Anyway, everyone on the bridge is all like “Dude, Spock is tapping that? I thought he’s been doing the Captain for ages…” And Kirk asks, with some amount of jealousy, who that girl was. It’s not a real shocker, despite the dramatic music, when Spock reveals that T’Pring is his betrothed. He does not say th’y’la (and it’s not for the crew’s benefit, as we all know Spock doesn’t give a rat’s ass about whether anyone understands him), and I want to make that clear. No one ever says that T’Pring is his soul mate. And for good reason…
In the turbo lift on the way to the transporter room, Spock explains that he is going to marry T’Pring in some sort of a Vulcan ritual. Vulcans have rituals for everything. Everything, ever. Blah Blah Blah. And even though five seconds ago he was desperate to avoid anyone figuring out that he was even in Pon Farr, or what he was going to do during his leave (yeah, he was coming back to the ship. He is so clearly attached to his wife. Or whatever she is.), he does the following…
Spock: There will be a ceremony of weird jingling bells in a place with some hot coals even though it is already insanely hot on my planet. It is extremely uncomfortable for humans. Anyway, it is traditional that a Vulcan’s best friends accompany him. Captain, I request your attendance.
Captain: Yeah, of course, I’d love to come. Anything for you Spock, anything! I mean I’m already defying Starfleet but how much more trouble can I get in, right? It’s not like I actually have to get involved in the ceremony, ha ha…
[Approximately 2 minutes pass]
Spock: Oh, Dr. McCoy, you’re still here. Well, you come too.
McCoy: [admirably, does not act insulted] I’d be honored.
And so the greatest triumvirate in history (screw you, Rome!) beams down to Vulcan. Or to some TV set with a lot of red dust and stones. Boy, they don’t have a lot to work with, do they? They are greeted by Really Old and Therefore Important Vulcan Lady Who Seems to Have a Wee Crush on Kirk But Is Still ~Vulcan~, but to save time we’ll call her T’Pau. She is carried in on a throne by four guards (effectively Red Shirts), so we know she’s important. Still, Spock is feeling a little human today and brags to his friends that since his family is important, he gets an important Elder to perform his ceremony. And the girl’s from a good family too - take that! Somehow, I doubt that his father being an Ambassador really makes up for that whole his-mom’s-an-emotional-human thing with the Vulcans, but maybe he’s got money. Whatever.
T’Pau: Humans!!!
Spock: Chill, they’re with me.
T’Pau: Humans must never know our secret Pon Farr stuff! We made your mother wear a blindfold.
Spock: It is my right to have friends.
T’Pau: I hate to point out that friendship is an emotional thing, but whatever, they can stay. JINGLE BELLS!
Kirk: Um, ok, jingle bells, jingle bells -
[Is interrupted by two guards…actually jingling bells]
Kirk: Oh.
T’Pau: CEREMONIAL STUFF!
Spock: [goes to bang a gong, which probably cements the ‘marriage’, which frankly seems a little Vegas-style at this point, but T’Pring ~stops him~ OMG. Except. We totally saw that coming, there are still about 30 minutes left here, and it sure wasn't going to be spent viewing Vulcan sex.]
T’Pring: [whines][is bitchy]
T’Pau: So…you want a champion?
McCoy & Kirk: Huh?
T’Pau: T’Pring will choose a champion to battle for her. It is her right!
Kirk: Dude, Spock is about to die if he doesn’t get laid, this seems a little selfish…
T’Pau: Whatever. CHOOSE!
[Camera pans dramatically to Guy With Ears That Are Big Even For a Vulcan (Gwetabe, for short. yeah I left off the v WHAT OF IT?), making it clear that T’Pring’s totally screwing this guy. But THEN, in a DRAMATIC TWIST, T’Pring turns to Kirk…]
T’Pring: HIM! I want him! (or, for you Pokemon fans, “Captain Kirk, I choose youuuuu!”)
Gwetabe: You bitch!
Spock: How ironic.
T’Pau: Ummm…okay, but since he’s a human he gets to turn down the challenge if he wants to! TURN IT DOWN, dear.
Kirk: [thinks, which means this is already going downhill] I say yes!
McCoy & Anybody viewing this: WHAT?
Kirk: [very unsubtly] I’ll lose on purpose! Then Spock gets laid. I’m, like, the best wingman ever.
McCoy: I think this is a terrible idea and I’m going to have to get you out of trouble again.
Kirk: … Uh-huh. So, what do we do here?
T’Pau: Fight! [Bells jingle] With these! [Bells jingle as Vulcan Red Shirts give Kirk and Spock what amount to High School play props, vaguely resembling shovels] Oh, and it’s to the death! [Bells jingle]
Kirk: Oh, shit.
Spock: [all messed up by his Pon Farr, runs at Kirk like a T-Rex after a tasty veloceraptor. This may be symbolic.]
Okay, we all know Spock is Very Strong, much stronger than Kirk. Even the new movie forced this concept upon us, and I think probably drew upon this scene, because in both Spock beats the CRAP out of Kirk in a vaguely sexual manner, and they end pretty much the same way. Let me show you…
Kirk and Spock: [wrestling at a distance from the camera, looking like they showed up for the wrong type of film. This is the 60s, guys! Spock is kicking ass and taking names. He cuts Kirk’s shirt open at a very suggestive place. He is about to go in for the kill when -]
T’Pau: WORD THAT MEANS STOP!
Everybody, except Spock who looks really strung out: What?!
Um…some time during this point McCoy bullshits about how Kirk is unused to Vulcan atmosphere and that puts him at a huge disadvantage. Being that Spock’s already about 10x stronger, McCoy offers to make the fight at least a little more fair by injecting Kirk with some sort of hypospray that will make it easier for him to breathe. Yeah, McCoy, because we’ve all seen what good hyposprays are for Kirk…
T’Pau, because she has a little crush on Kirk, lets him do it. Then, bells jingle, and they continue to fight!
Spock: [Pretty much mounts Kirk and strangles him because apparently in any universe that’s the way he likes it with some strip of cloth I hadn’t seen before. Kirk dies! Spock snaps out of it, which is weird, because here I thought he needed to have sex to end his Pon Farr...hmm. You know, on a completely different subject, have you read How to Read Literature Like a Professor? There's this chapter called "It's All About Sex" in which the author describes how sex is hidden in metaphors...Well, you know, it's an interesting read. Anyway.]
McCoy: I have to beam Kirk’s body up. NOW. NOW, MAN!
[They are ~energized~.]
Spock: [devastated] WTH, T’Pring?
T’Pring: [reveals her clever, bitchy plan.] I wanted Gwetabe, but I didn’t want him to accidentally get killed, so I pitted you against your best friend. I figured whoever won wouldn’t want me anyway because of what I’d made you do. … Did it work?
Spock: … Gwetabe, I feel sorry for you.
[~is beamed up~]
Back in the ship, Spock encounters McCoy. He looks very somber, more somber than McCoy, who y’know…can show emotions, so Spock should be clued in but he’s too devastated and goes on to say…
Spock: I AM HORRIBLE. I did a horrible thing! I don’t deserve to be Captain, because I AM SO GUILTY AND BAD, so give command to Scotty! (Audience: Really…?) It just makes me so….EMOTIONAL…that I did something so terrible to my th’y’la best friend (McCoy: [Sadly, does not pull a Barney and inappropriately interject ‘I thought I was your best friend!’]) that I just can’t go on. I don’t even deserve to live long or prosper, anymore, so DON’T SAY IT.
McCoy : Uh, Spock…
Spock: No, Doctor, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY TO CHANGE MY MIND.
McCoy: Spock!
Spock: No, I am TOO GUILTY AND SAD! Don’t try, I’m LEAVING TO GO LIVE IN A CAVE OR SOMETH -
[Kirk walks out, COMPLETELY FINE. Spock flips out, and does the scariest thing EVER, which is smile. My GOD, Leonard Nimoy, don’t ever do that. ]
Spock: JIM! …
[Awkward Pause]
Spock:…I mean, Captain. I am glad to see you well. Please ignore my earlier freakout.
Kirk: Yeah, yeah, I love you too. So, anyway, back to running a starship?
McCoy: [to Kirk] You know, Spock’s been weird lately.
Kirk: Really? Like, weird how?
McCoy: Oh, you know, showing emotions and not eating and stuff. I’m sure it’s nothing.
Kirk: Well, if you say so…
McCoy: And Nurse Chapel’s got it all covered anyway! She’s brought him some soup in his quarters, which are conveniently located about 3 feet in front of us.
[Soup hits the wall right in front of their faces, and I feel horrible for whatever red/blue tunic-shirted person has to clean that up, because Spock’s got quite the throwing arm. If he’d avoided that rice picker, he’d have been a great pitcher. Anyway, Chapel comes stumbling out after the soup, in short skirts and looking terrified as is the general role of Starfleet women.]
Spock: NO WOMEN IN MY ROOM! DO NOT WANT! Do not want!!!
Kirk: …
Spock: [sees him] …women. Do not want …women. [goes back into his room]
Kirk: Well, this is bad.
At this point, there are several scenes of Trying to Assess the Problem. Bones and Kirk both suck at it. But Kirk’s got his determined face on, so he’ll think of something. Even when they finally think of asking Spock, Kirk gets nothing but that irritated eyebrow quirk. Spock asks for a leave of absence, which is ~shocking~. Kirk tries even more valiantly to discover the source of Spock’s irrational behavior. He probably does everything short of offering sexual favors, and even then it’s probably implied, but he doesn’t get much. Spock is too shy. But eventually, we find out from Bones that it’s a chemical thing, and if something doesn’t change, Spock will ~die~. Yeah, like any of us believe that will happen. Remember, Kirk is determined. He grants Spock his leave of absence, and even diverts to Vulcan on Spock’s request. But then…
Starfleet: No going to Vulcan!
Kirk: But…
Starfleet: No!
Kirk: … Okay.
They change course about 9 trillion times, debating between regulations and Spock’s need and Jim’s disregard of everything that’s not vaguely green. Spock, under the influence of his currently unnamed malady, orders a course change for Vulcan…again, and when Kirk corrects it, Sulu jokes to Chekov to plot a course back to Vulcan anyway. And they end up using it, because what Spock needs is on Vulcan. Or, you know, sitting in the Captain’s chair. Clever Asian.
I think somewhere during this Spock confesses to Kirk that he is in the throes of Pon Farr, although I can’t remember why because he was pretty set on letting himself die before he confessed that he was going through what is basically Vulcan puberty. Or something. Anyway, he acts very much like a 13 year old girl asking her father for a tampon.
When they reach Vulcan, a pretty girl appears on the screen, requesting Spock. You can see in her eyes that she is a Bitch. I mean this, and I don’t know if this girl is just a good actor or is really a bitch, but this T’Pring character emanates Bitch even before she speaks. She practically starts singing that song by Christina Aguilera, you know the one that was a lame attempt at a comeback. She’s all like…
T’Pring: All days I'm a Superbich...what? Oh, Spock, here is some poetry I learned when I was a kid, but I so obviously don’t mean it…Um, let’s see…Touching, touched, parting, parted…wow, this stuff is kind of dirty for Vulcan ritual, isn’t it? And also in English, what’s up with that…Oh, and I’m waiting for you, ta-ta!
Spock: You’re a bitch.
Okay, I lied, he actually just repeats after her and then the camera pans dramatically to Kirk, and I think McCoy, but excuse me if I was distracted by the utter look of bewilderment William Shatner gives that camera. Anyway, everyone on the bridge is all like “Dude, Spock is tapping that? I thought he’s been doing the Captain for ages…” And Kirk asks, with some amount of jealousy, who that girl was. It’s not a real shocker, despite the dramatic music, when Spock reveals that T’Pring is his betrothed. He does not say th’y’la (and it’s not for the crew’s benefit, as we all know Spock doesn’t give a rat’s ass about whether anyone understands him), and I want to make that clear. No one ever says that T’Pring is his soul mate. And for good reason…
In the turbo lift on the way to the transporter room, Spock explains that he is going to marry T’Pring in some sort of a Vulcan ritual. Vulcans have rituals for everything. Everything, ever. Blah Blah Blah. And even though five seconds ago he was desperate to avoid anyone figuring out that he was even in Pon Farr, or what he was going to do during his leave (yeah, he was coming back to the ship. He is so clearly attached to his wife. Or whatever she is.), he does the following…
Spock: There will be a ceremony of weird jingling bells in a place with some hot coals even though it is already insanely hot on my planet. It is extremely uncomfortable for humans. Anyway, it is traditional that a Vulcan’s best friends accompany him. Captain, I request your attendance.
Captain: Yeah, of course, I’d love to come. Anything for you Spock, anything! I mean I’m already defying Starfleet but how much more trouble can I get in, right? It’s not like I actually have to get involved in the ceremony, ha ha…
[Approximately 2 minutes pass]
Spock: Oh, Dr. McCoy, you’re still here. Well, you come too.
McCoy: [admirably, does not act insulted] I’d be honored.
And so the greatest triumvirate in history (screw you, Rome!) beams down to Vulcan. Or to some TV set with a lot of red dust and stones. Boy, they don’t have a lot to work with, do they? They are greeted by Really Old and Therefore Important Vulcan Lady Who Seems to Have a Wee Crush on Kirk But Is Still ~Vulcan~, but to save time we’ll call her T’Pau. She is carried in on a throne by four guards (effectively Red Shirts), so we know she’s important. Still, Spock is feeling a little human today and brags to his friends that since his family is important, he gets an important Elder to perform his ceremony. And the girl’s from a good family too - take that! Somehow, I doubt that his father being an Ambassador really makes up for that whole his-mom’s-an-emotional-human thing with the Vulcans, but maybe he’s got money. Whatever.
T’Pau: Humans!!!
Spock: Chill, they’re with me.
T’Pau: Humans must never know our secret Pon Farr stuff! We made your mother wear a blindfold.
Spock: It is my right to have friends.
T’Pau: I hate to point out that friendship is an emotional thing, but whatever, they can stay. JINGLE BELLS!
Kirk: Um, ok, jingle bells, jingle bells -
[Is interrupted by two guards…actually jingling bells]
Kirk: Oh.
T’Pau: CEREMONIAL STUFF!
Spock: [goes to bang a gong, which probably cements the ‘marriage’, which frankly seems a little Vegas-style at this point, but T’Pring ~stops him~ OMG. Except. We totally saw that coming, there are still about 30 minutes left here, and it sure wasn't going to be spent viewing Vulcan sex.]
T’Pring: [whines][is bitchy]
T’Pau: So…you want a champion?
McCoy & Kirk: Huh?
T’Pau: T’Pring will choose a champion to battle for her. It is her right!
Kirk: Dude, Spock is about to die if he doesn’t get laid, this seems a little selfish…
T’Pau: Whatever. CHOOSE!
[Camera pans dramatically to Guy With Ears That Are Big Even For a Vulcan (Gwetabe, for short. yeah I left off the v WHAT OF IT?), making it clear that T’Pring’s totally screwing this guy. But THEN, in a DRAMATIC TWIST, T’Pring turns to Kirk…]
T’Pring: HIM! I want him! (or, for you Pokemon fans, “Captain Kirk, I choose youuuuu!”)
Gwetabe: You bitch!
Spock: How ironic.
T’Pau: Ummm…okay, but since he’s a human he gets to turn down the challenge if he wants to! TURN IT DOWN, dear.
Kirk: [thinks, which means this is already going downhill] I say yes!
McCoy & Anybody viewing this: WHAT?
Kirk: [very unsubtly] I’ll lose on purpose! Then Spock gets laid. I’m, like, the best wingman ever.
McCoy: I think this is a terrible idea and I’m going to have to get you out of trouble again.
Kirk: … Uh-huh. So, what do we do here?
T’Pau: Fight! [Bells jingle] With these! [Bells jingle as Vulcan Red Shirts give Kirk and Spock what amount to High School play props, vaguely resembling shovels] Oh, and it’s to the death! [Bells jingle]
Kirk: Oh, shit.
Spock: [all messed up by his Pon Farr, runs at Kirk like a T-Rex after a tasty veloceraptor. This may be symbolic.]
Okay, we all know Spock is Very Strong, much stronger than Kirk. Even the new movie forced this concept upon us, and I think probably drew upon this scene, because in both Spock beats the CRAP out of Kirk in a vaguely sexual manner, and they end pretty much the same way. Let me show you…
Kirk and Spock: [wrestling at a distance from the camera, looking like they showed up for the wrong type of film. This is the 60s, guys! Spock is kicking ass and taking names. He cuts Kirk’s shirt open at a very suggestive place. He is about to go in for the kill when -]
T’Pau: WORD THAT MEANS STOP!
Everybody, except Spock who looks really strung out: What?!
Um…some time during this point McCoy bullshits about how Kirk is unused to Vulcan atmosphere and that puts him at a huge disadvantage. Being that Spock’s already about 10x stronger, McCoy offers to make the fight at least a little more fair by injecting Kirk with some sort of hypospray that will make it easier for him to breathe. Yeah, McCoy, because we’ve all seen what good hyposprays are for Kirk…
T’Pau, because she has a little crush on Kirk, lets him do it. Then, bells jingle, and they continue to fight!
Spock: [Pretty much mounts Kirk and strangles him because apparently in any universe that’s the way he likes it with some strip of cloth I hadn’t seen before. Kirk dies! Spock snaps out of it, which is weird, because here I thought he needed to have sex to end his Pon Farr...hmm. You know, on a completely different subject, have you read How to Read Literature Like a Professor? There's this chapter called "It's All About Sex" in which the author describes how sex is hidden in metaphors...Well, you know, it's an interesting read. Anyway.]
McCoy: I have to beam Kirk’s body up. NOW. NOW, MAN!
[They are ~energized~.]
Spock: [devastated] WTH, T’Pring?
T’Pring: [reveals her clever, bitchy plan.] I wanted Gwetabe, but I didn’t want him to accidentally get killed, so I pitted you against your best friend. I figured whoever won wouldn’t want me anyway because of what I’d made you do. … Did it work?
Spock: … Gwetabe, I feel sorry for you.
[~is beamed up~]
Back in the ship, Spock encounters McCoy. He looks very somber, more somber than McCoy, who y’know…can show emotions, so Spock should be clued in but he’s too devastated and goes on to say…
Spock: I AM HORRIBLE. I did a horrible thing! I don’t deserve to be Captain, because I AM SO GUILTY AND BAD, so give command to Scotty! (Audience: Really…?) It just makes me so….EMOTIONAL…that I did something so terrible to my th’y’la best friend (McCoy: [Sadly, does not pull a Barney and inappropriately interject ‘I thought I was your best friend!’]) that I just can’t go on. I don’t even deserve to live long or prosper, anymore, so DON’T SAY IT.
McCoy : Uh, Spock…
Spock: No, Doctor, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY TO CHANGE MY MIND.
McCoy: Spock!
Spock: No, I am TOO GUILTY AND SAD! Don’t try, I’m LEAVING TO GO LIVE IN A CAVE OR SOMETH -
[Kirk walks out, COMPLETELY FINE. Spock flips out, and does the scariest thing EVER, which is smile. My GOD, Leonard Nimoy, don’t ever do that. ]
Spock: JIM! …
[Awkward Pause]
Spock:…I mean, Captain. I am glad to see you well. Please ignore my earlier freakout.
Kirk: Yeah, yeah, I love you too. So, anyway, back to running a starship?