(no subject)
the way the light is shining right now outside my window is really beautiful. i think i have the best window in the house...the backyard is prettiest right here, and the trees that criss-cross in the sky in ours and the adjacent lots have provided the backdrop for twenty or so years of gazing and thinking. it's almost as if these old oaks hold some of my deepest secrets and desires between their rings. i know that my room is fraught with memory, and it's an almost delicious chill the ghosts of days passed bring when i sit still and let them come. they still live here, stagnantly, unless i choose to let them be more alive.
so maybe i am running away. no, i definitely am. but it's alright this time because i've faced everything brutally, fully, completely. i've gone through all the motions. sometimes i feel that after doing this, i can deal with anything. i've seen the limits of my emotions. i've learned how to shut them off and suspend them. i've felt colors more profound than the human eye could ever discern and the human mind could ever describe. but truly, i've learned how to live with them. and in this i am calm.
so maybe i am running away. no, i definitely am. but it's alright this time because i've faced everything brutally, fully, completely. i've gone through all the motions. sometimes i feel that after doing this, i can deal with anything. i've seen the limits of my emotions. i've learned how to shut them off and suspend them. i've felt colors more profound than the human eye could ever discern and the human mind could ever describe. but truly, i've learned how to live with them. and in this i am calm.