(no subject)
how my obsession with the aesthetes of language fails me miserably whenever something important in my life needs it to flourish..i will never understand. it's why 5's on the ap english exams elude me; but i realize in the end that those essays would never sell novels, and my writing is for me..and me alone. i wonder if ever i will be the great writer i dream to be. sometimes it seems impossible because i cannot bring myself to write for the masses, but only for the select ears and eyes that can understand; i have no desire to modify my style for any reason. when thinking seriously of the idea, i realize it's absurd and would only serve to produce meaningless words from me..this thought is mildly distressing, because i find personal solace in the language i contrive, and never want to change such an integral part of my mind.
(so i won't.)
however, back to the original thought of the entry. (maybe?)
in six days, i will be heading off to begin my glorious adventure as a starry-eyed college freshie (sophomore if you count credits), setting foot in such a city of dreamers..gainesville, florida. the cacophony of feelings that muddle my mind (fear, curiousity, dread, excitement, grief, elation) do not pertain only to myself, and i will not pretend that they do.
i have long been thrilled at the prospect of taking courses that correspond with my interests and delights. my schedule includes classes in victorian literature, linguistics and anthropological linguistics, and music, all subject matters i can't wait to delve into. next semester promises more linguistics, languages and literature, music, and possibly some psychology or history. it's true, i am a nerd, and i love to learn and expand my mind's horizons, and for these reason gainesville looks like a beautiful new beginning.
my social skills will not be wanting, but partying is the last thing on my mind as i head into this new city. i find it a little ironic considering many of my peers, but i just can't force myself to be someone i'm not in order to look "normal" or just "let go and have fun and enjoy [my] freedom".
unfortunately, the grief casts its dark shadow on my joyful abandon, and then i just don't know what to think.
it's back to the aesthetes problem..
i know in my heart how deeply i care and love this one person.
and here i am, almost spitting in the face of it all and moving away to start a new page of life.
i am forbidden by him especially to even think of throwing that opportunity away and staying here..but i still feel like such a traitor.
i can't pinpoint exactly how it feels, it just feels and i can't stop it from coming and eating me alive everytime it comes.
how do you leave someone you love so much? particularly under these circumstances, when many would say it was doomed and over pretty much the day i get in that car and drive away.
of course there are the special cases that do work out, and do experience their happily-ever-afters (however don't think i am naive; i know that behind every h.e.a. there is a patchwork of struggles and tears)..but it feels almost arrogant to believe we are the extraordinary ones (even though in my heart i cannot think otherwise.)
it's so beautiful, even to this day, almost eight months later. it's a short time, but it promises so much to turn into the neverending time.
the pain of what i'm doing though is so intense, and i'm desperately wanting to see the reasons and good of it. what passes by in thought is conceivable, but i always wonder if it's true.
i don't feel like a conclusion today...really, because there isn't one.
(so i won't.)
however, back to the original thought of the entry. (maybe?)
in six days, i will be heading off to begin my glorious adventure as a starry-eyed college freshie (sophomore if you count credits), setting foot in such a city of dreamers..gainesville, florida. the cacophony of feelings that muddle my mind (fear, curiousity, dread, excitement, grief, elation) do not pertain only to myself, and i will not pretend that they do.
i have long been thrilled at the prospect of taking courses that correspond with my interests and delights. my schedule includes classes in victorian literature, linguistics and anthropological linguistics, and music, all subject matters i can't wait to delve into. next semester promises more linguistics, languages and literature, music, and possibly some psychology or history. it's true, i am a nerd, and i love to learn and expand my mind's horizons, and for these reason gainesville looks like a beautiful new beginning.
my social skills will not be wanting, but partying is the last thing on my mind as i head into this new city. i find it a little ironic considering many of my peers, but i just can't force myself to be someone i'm not in order to look "normal" or just "let go and have fun and enjoy [my] freedom".
unfortunately, the grief casts its dark shadow on my joyful abandon, and then i just don't know what to think.
it's back to the aesthetes problem..
i know in my heart how deeply i care and love this one person.
and here i am, almost spitting in the face of it all and moving away to start a new page of life.
i am forbidden by him especially to even think of throwing that opportunity away and staying here..but i still feel like such a traitor.
i can't pinpoint exactly how it feels, it just feels and i can't stop it from coming and eating me alive everytime it comes.
how do you leave someone you love so much? particularly under these circumstances, when many would say it was doomed and over pretty much the day i get in that car and drive away.
of course there are the special cases that do work out, and do experience their happily-ever-afters (however don't think i am naive; i know that behind every h.e.a. there is a patchwork of struggles and tears)..but it feels almost arrogant to believe we are the extraordinary ones (even though in my heart i cannot think otherwise.)
it's so beautiful, even to this day, almost eight months later. it's a short time, but it promises so much to turn into the neverending time.
the pain of what i'm doing though is so intense, and i'm desperately wanting to see the reasons and good of it. what passes by in thought is conceivable, but i always wonder if it's true.
i don't feel like a conclusion today...really, because there isn't one.