luck of the draw
Sometimes I really take certain things for granted.
Like the love I have in my life.
I am probably one of the luckiest girls in the world, as far as love goes. I've had the good sense to take a lot of things from my past relationships, and I have had the good fortune (sounds crazy, but trust me) to have some pretty intense love experiences while I was still quite young, and it carved my heart in all kinds of ways, good and bad. I say "good fortune" because I believe the experiences I went through when I was younger really prepared me for life, in the sense that I now, in my mid-20s, have been able to really find myself and get to know who I am in and out, without hesitation, and I've learned how to be very independent, emotionally. I no longer rely on love to define me. I am fine alone, and I even prefer it, sometimes. I hold no grudges, I have learned to forgive and move past hurt. I am happy with who I am in love and out.
Learning to be all of those things has given me the great ability to weed out the hurtful relationships when I need to, but also to give second chances when I see a light shining at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Boy, am I glad I saw that teeny, tiny light at the end of the tunnel last year, because if I had been rash and vengeful, and put my emotional baggage first, then I wouldn't have been where I am today.
Where I am today... is lucky. Lucky to have found someone like D. Our story is a rocky one, but the one thing that always stood in the way of us ever letting each other go, was a feeling. It's been there since the second we saw each other, and it continues to float between us, drawing us together through good times and bad.
Never have I met someone who has loved me so much. That is the bottom line of all of this. Never have I had the emotional prosperity to have someone who loved me for exactly what I am, despite of what I am or perhaps even because of what I am. Loving me when I look beautiful and radiant, and loving me just as much, if not more, when I look like a sack of crap. Someone who makes me feel innately cared for, and protected, and hopeful. Someone who is considerate of my feelings. Someone who cheers me on and someone who wants to be with me because of what he sees deep inside, not just for his own selfish reasons.
I have to admit, I am afraid of this kind of love. I still harbour baggage, no matter how far past it was, no matter how strong I have become in the face of my own fears, and no matter how hard I try to pretend it isn't there. So this kind of love feels overwhelming to me sometimes, and I won't lie about the fact that I find myself occasionally doubting everything possible, considering my options, craving my independence from anyone at all, and wondering if that "feeling" was really just really strong desire?
But, at the peak hours of the night, when I am awake alone, contemplating all of the ridiculous, crazy things I contemplate when I am awake alone at the peak hours of the night... a calm always washes over me. Because I know that I have somebody by my side who endlessly loves and supports me and who I can depend on and cry to and just be silent with if I want to. I take for granted how unbelievably lucky I am to have found all kinds of amazing things in one wonderful package, and I want to slap myself for being so moody and indecisive. I have something in my life that most people wish for all the time. Certain things I have been through lately are reminding me that I should definitely be cherishing all of the love I have.
I said "I forgive you" a long time ago, and all of this is a new chapter. We aren't the same people we used to be, but we shouldn't forget who we were. Everything we've been through together is equally important, and I need to be reminded of that sometimes.
I still want to establish my independence again within our bond, but only because it will make us that much stronger and make me love you that much more for letting me be who I need to be.
This is what real love is, and I am finding that out. This is solid, enduring, and grounding. For how crazy, unstable, and emotionally teetering I am, this is something that, no matter how far my head is in the clouds, or how far from the brink of sanity I am, will keep me warm and safe and always with a pair of arms to nuzzle myself in when everything else in the world feels too unbearable to take. Which it often does, for me.
For all of this, I just want to say, thank you.
"The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions."
- Nietzsche
"To be loved for what one is, is the greatest exception. The great majority love in others only what they lend him, their own selves, their version of him."
- Goethe
"You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else."
- Hermann Hesse
Like the love I have in my life.
I am probably one of the luckiest girls in the world, as far as love goes. I've had the good sense to take a lot of things from my past relationships, and I have had the good fortune (sounds crazy, but trust me) to have some pretty intense love experiences while I was still quite young, and it carved my heart in all kinds of ways, good and bad. I say "good fortune" because I believe the experiences I went through when I was younger really prepared me for life, in the sense that I now, in my mid-20s, have been able to really find myself and get to know who I am in and out, without hesitation, and I've learned how to be very independent, emotionally. I no longer rely on love to define me. I am fine alone, and I even prefer it, sometimes. I hold no grudges, I have learned to forgive and move past hurt. I am happy with who I am in love and out.
Learning to be all of those things has given me the great ability to weed out the hurtful relationships when I need to, but also to give second chances when I see a light shining at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Boy, am I glad I saw that teeny, tiny light at the end of the tunnel last year, because if I had been rash and vengeful, and put my emotional baggage first, then I wouldn't have been where I am today.
Where I am today... is lucky. Lucky to have found someone like D. Our story is a rocky one, but the one thing that always stood in the way of us ever letting each other go, was a feeling. It's been there since the second we saw each other, and it continues to float between us, drawing us together through good times and bad.
Never have I met someone who has loved me so much. That is the bottom line of all of this. Never have I had the emotional prosperity to have someone who loved me for exactly what I am, despite of what I am or perhaps even because of what I am. Loving me when I look beautiful and radiant, and loving me just as much, if not more, when I look like a sack of crap. Someone who makes me feel innately cared for, and protected, and hopeful. Someone who is considerate of my feelings. Someone who cheers me on and someone who wants to be with me because of what he sees deep inside, not just for his own selfish reasons.
I have to admit, I am afraid of this kind of love. I still harbour baggage, no matter how far past it was, no matter how strong I have become in the face of my own fears, and no matter how hard I try to pretend it isn't there. So this kind of love feels overwhelming to me sometimes, and I won't lie about the fact that I find myself occasionally doubting everything possible, considering my options, craving my independence from anyone at all, and wondering if that "feeling" was really just really strong desire?
But, at the peak hours of the night, when I am awake alone, contemplating all of the ridiculous, crazy things I contemplate when I am awake alone at the peak hours of the night... a calm always washes over me. Because I know that I have somebody by my side who endlessly loves and supports me and who I can depend on and cry to and just be silent with if I want to. I take for granted how unbelievably lucky I am to have found all kinds of amazing things in one wonderful package, and I want to slap myself for being so moody and indecisive. I have something in my life that most people wish for all the time. Certain things I have been through lately are reminding me that I should definitely be cherishing all of the love I have.
I said "I forgive you" a long time ago, and all of this is a new chapter. We aren't the same people we used to be, but we shouldn't forget who we were. Everything we've been through together is equally important, and I need to be reminded of that sometimes.
I still want to establish my independence again within our bond, but only because it will make us that much stronger and make me love you that much more for letting me be who I need to be.
This is what real love is, and I am finding that out. This is solid, enduring, and grounding. For how crazy, unstable, and emotionally teetering I am, this is something that, no matter how far my head is in the clouds, or how far from the brink of sanity I am, will keep me warm and safe and always with a pair of arms to nuzzle myself in when everything else in the world feels too unbearable to take. Which it often does, for me.
For all of this, I just want to say, thank you.
"The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions."
- Nietzsche
"To be loved for what one is, is the greatest exception. The great majority love in others only what they lend him, their own selves, their version of him."
- Goethe
"You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else."
- Hermann Hesse