dreaming and falling
My dreams lately have been abundant and vivid. Even when they're bad, I love them. I love to dream.
A little bit surprised that in these past couple of weeks I haven't had a nervous breakdown, honestly.
Even when I have support from people, it never seems real and I always just feel so isolated. I used to think I thrived because of those feelings, but along with all of my other recent self-revelations, I'm starting to see that those feelings are possibly what is holding me back.
I just want to open up and let myself be a normal person for once. Or what I perceive to be a normal person. When I go to sleep at night, I start to feel kind of normal, and productive thoughts flood my head but then I shut them off because "I'm supposed to be getting some sleep." Last night I didn't shut them off, and it was actually very helpful. I'm much more clear-headed at night time, it's bizarre. During the daytime there is this weird fog that clouds my rationale.
I'm scared to take action. And why? Am I scared of change? Why wouldn't I want change? There are a lot of things I'm not happy with, wouldn't I want to change them?
I'm scared - terrified - to go to that therapist. To have somebody peering inside my head and analyzing me.
I'm scared to try and get a different job. Because I've gotten comfortable here?
I'm scared to change my bad habits. Because they are a familiar security blanket.
I'm scared to let myself get too many photography jobs because I might become successful again, and we all know what happens when I start to taste success... I cut it off.
I'm scared to dream - while I'm awake. But why?
A little bit surprised that in these past couple of weeks I haven't had a nervous breakdown, honestly.
Even when I have support from people, it never seems real and I always just feel so isolated. I used to think I thrived because of those feelings, but along with all of my other recent self-revelations, I'm starting to see that those feelings are possibly what is holding me back.
I just want to open up and let myself be a normal person for once. Or what I perceive to be a normal person. When I go to sleep at night, I start to feel kind of normal, and productive thoughts flood my head but then I shut them off because "I'm supposed to be getting some sleep." Last night I didn't shut them off, and it was actually very helpful. I'm much more clear-headed at night time, it's bizarre. During the daytime there is this weird fog that clouds my rationale.
I'm scared to take action. And why? Am I scared of change? Why wouldn't I want change? There are a lot of things I'm not happy with, wouldn't I want to change them?
I'm scared - terrified - to go to that therapist. To have somebody peering inside my head and analyzing me.
I'm scared to try and get a different job. Because I've gotten comfortable here?
I'm scared to change my bad habits. Because they are a familiar security blanket.
I'm scared to let myself get too many photography jobs because I might become successful again, and we all know what happens when I start to taste success... I cut it off.
I'm scared to dream - while I'm awake. But why?