(no subject)
Ughhh. I think I over-exerted myself at the gym today. I feel all wonky and a little dizzy. Gotta eat something carb-y. Mmm.
It's that goddamn striding machine! That thing practically forces me to push myself past my limit and I sweat BUCKETS. Buckets of my sweat, mmm, wanna taste? Ew. I gotta be careful I don't make myself pass out. THAT would be... something. :/
Might go to CTO tonight. It's been awhile since I've gone there for a show on a weeknight. Do Make Say Think are playing. I don't really like them that much but I kind of just feel like going out. But I also kind of don't? Ha ha. Good ol' indecisive me. Dave said he'd go with me, so we might go late and have band practice. I've been bad and haven't been writing songs like I was supposed to. Oops! It's mostly because I didn't have a 9v battery for my pedal; things like that throw me off and I don't get anything done!
I've been listening to the new Kills album ("Midnight Boom")non-stop since I bought it. It's really great. It's a lot more mature/produced/poppy/diverse than their first two efforts, but I like it. I like it in a different way than I like "No Wow" and "Keep On Your Mean Side". Those two albums are just like these spooky, sex-drenched, violent road trip in the middle of desert nowhere with a billion grams of cocaine up your nose and sweat dripping down your thighs albums... and the new one is much more dance-y and fluid. I totally favour the old ones because of the feeling they give me, and because I think their sound on those two records is TOTALLY unique, but "Midnight Boom" is super rad too, and I guess it was natural evolution of them.
***
Man, this whole thing with Shannon (the friend I had to "break up" with a little while ago) is really making me feel like a piece of scum shit. I got an email back from her today and it feels like she wants to turn this into some kind of under-handed insult fest or something, I don't know. I understand that she's probably feeling hurt, but all I did was be completely honest with her, and apparently, being honest with people is a FUCKING JOKE. ?
My rationale with the whole situation is just that people sometimes drift apart, no matter how close you were at any point. Especially with me, because I have issues with detaching myself from friends... I've mentioned it in here once or twice, just the fact that growing up, in crucial formative years my family constantly moved around and I was always changing friends and never had a chance to get close to anyone so now I have TERRIBLE problems with friendships... maintaining them, not letting them become too emotional at any point, etc. I suppose that's why it's so easy for me in my head when any of my friendships come to an end, because I'm so used to it, and in this weird way, I'm always somehow very detached from people/friends even when I'm close to them. And once I see a friendship dwindling or becoming less than ideal, BOOM! it's like this switch just shuts off to protect me and I become very removed from it all.
This is all just making me crazy. I hate it. It's sad, don't get me wrong. I'm not excited about ending my friendship with one of my best, best friends of 8 years, but I honestly saw no other choice. It had been dissolving for awhile, and I saw that, and it just had to be done. I don't like being fake, I constantly have to be honest. And in this case, I had to be totally honest, and it's now making me feel like an awful, evil, cold-hearted person. I am cold-hearted, to an extent. I can't fucking help it; you can't control your childhood, and your childhood forms huge personality flaws in some people... am I supposed to fucking apologize for this? Pay for the therapist I could never afford but still desperately need, maybe then I won't be such a freak when it comes to this kind of stuff. You know, I'm already terribly self-conscious about this... I already resent how fucked up I am, and I beat myself up constantly for not being able to change the way that I am, I don't need anyone else making me feel even worse about it. It's really unfair, because it's something that is beyond my control, so I feel really vulnerable right now.
I can't even talk about this anymore, it's getting me too worked up.
Peace.
It's that goddamn striding machine! That thing practically forces me to push myself past my limit and I sweat BUCKETS. Buckets of my sweat, mmm, wanna taste? Ew. I gotta be careful I don't make myself pass out. THAT would be... something. :/
Might go to CTO tonight. It's been awhile since I've gone there for a show on a weeknight. Do Make Say Think are playing. I don't really like them that much but I kind of just feel like going out. But I also kind of don't? Ha ha. Good ol' indecisive me. Dave said he'd go with me, so we might go late and have band practice. I've been bad and haven't been writing songs like I was supposed to. Oops! It's mostly because I didn't have a 9v battery for my pedal; things like that throw me off and I don't get anything done!
I've been listening to the new Kills album ("Midnight Boom")non-stop since I bought it. It's really great. It's a lot more mature/produced/poppy/diverse than their first two efforts, but I like it. I like it in a different way than I like "No Wow" and "Keep On Your Mean Side". Those two albums are just like these spooky, sex-drenched, violent road trip in the middle of desert nowhere with a billion grams of cocaine up your nose and sweat dripping down your thighs albums... and the new one is much more dance-y and fluid. I totally favour the old ones because of the feeling they give me, and because I think their sound on those two records is TOTALLY unique, but "Midnight Boom" is super rad too, and I guess it was natural evolution of them.
***
Man, this whole thing with Shannon (the friend I had to "break up" with a little while ago) is really making me feel like a piece of scum shit. I got an email back from her today and it feels like she wants to turn this into some kind of under-handed insult fest or something, I don't know. I understand that she's probably feeling hurt, but all I did was be completely honest with her, and apparently, being honest with people is a FUCKING JOKE. ?
My rationale with the whole situation is just that people sometimes drift apart, no matter how close you were at any point. Especially with me, because I have issues with detaching myself from friends... I've mentioned it in here once or twice, just the fact that growing up, in crucial formative years my family constantly moved around and I was always changing friends and never had a chance to get close to anyone so now I have TERRIBLE problems with friendships... maintaining them, not letting them become too emotional at any point, etc. I suppose that's why it's so easy for me in my head when any of my friendships come to an end, because I'm so used to it, and in this weird way, I'm always somehow very detached from people/friends even when I'm close to them. And once I see a friendship dwindling or becoming less than ideal, BOOM! it's like this switch just shuts off to protect me and I become very removed from it all.
This is all just making me crazy. I hate it. It's sad, don't get me wrong. I'm not excited about ending my friendship with one of my best, best friends of 8 years, but I honestly saw no other choice. It had been dissolving for awhile, and I saw that, and it just had to be done. I don't like being fake, I constantly have to be honest. And in this case, I had to be totally honest, and it's now making me feel like an awful, evil, cold-hearted person. I am cold-hearted, to an extent. I can't fucking help it; you can't control your childhood, and your childhood forms huge personality flaws in some people... am I supposed to fucking apologize for this? Pay for the therapist I could never afford but still desperately need, maybe then I won't be such a freak when it comes to this kind of stuff. You know, I'm already terribly self-conscious about this... I already resent how fucked up I am, and I beat myself up constantly for not being able to change the way that I am, I don't need anyone else making me feel even worse about it. It's really unfair, because it's something that is beyond my control, so I feel really vulnerable right now.
I can't even talk about this anymore, it's getting me too worked up.
Peace.