(no subject)
I feel like I want to die. I never thought it was possible for me to feel like this again.
Any time I have ever been hurt in my entire life has just been trumped so hard.
I can't decide whether I just want to:
a) smash everything I own and scream my lungs out
b) fucking dump him like yesterday's news and just move the fuck on
c) try to get past this, somehow... I have no idea how and I don't know if it's even possible
d) hop on a bus to New York and breaking every single bone in someone's body and smash those fucking teeth in
e) go to sleep and never wake up so I never have to feel like this ever again
f) shoot myself in the head so I don't have to think about this and see those words over and over again, going through my mind
There is so much rage swimming in my veins right now that I didn't even know I was capable of feeling. Honestly, I'm actually kind of afraid. I'd compare it to the way a bull feels when they're waiting behind that gate to go tear that red sheet all to shreds, being whipped and beaten to rage them up.
This is terrifying.
I am never, ever, EVER doubting my gut ever again.
It's the only fucking thing I can trust. I can't believe I haven't learned that by now. Christ.
I was right. I knew it all along. I guess I'm just pretty fucking stupid or something.
As for what I'm going to do... I truly, honestly don't know. Pretty much everything is so far up in the air right now that it's out of my line of vision. I don't know how I feel anymore. What I do know is that things are completely different now and they will never be the same.
I'm tired of people thinking I'm some kind of fucking fool and trying to pull the wool over my eyes. That is the world's BIGGEST insult.