(no subject)
I just got a ridiculously huge, awesome email from my best friend who moved to Norway over a year ago, and now I'm crying at work.
This is what she wrote at the end:
"Missing you lots, and really missing the times when we could sit at the wheel for 3 hours and vent all help each other out with all this crap, then just not give a fuck about the world anymore and watch the sunrise."
We used to stay out at The Fifth Wheel until like 4 am just having these huge life talks, and then we'd go sit on the shore right outside, next to the lake, and just sit there and watch the sun come up.
Fuck sometimes I miss her so much that it hurts. We had the funnest times together, and she was always up for anything. She used to just call me up at 10:30 on a Friday night and be like "Wanna go to the Ball of Hard???" (the Hardball, which was a bar in Milton like 45 minutes away, that we always went to for their Friday night 80s metal night) and she'd come pick me up and we'd haul off to Milton and party together and then sleep in her car in a parking lot across the street.
Or we would just go for drives at midnight and just drive all around town, listening to music, doing nothing at all. Or go drink wine on the pier in the middle of the lake all night long and watch for shooting stars and get all hammed and we'd get ourselves all freaked out about lake monsters and ghosts.
I don't have any friendships like that anymore. I have never had as much fun with someone as I had with Jen. And I could tell her absolutely everything and never, ever be scared that she would judge me even a single bit. I miss her so much every single day and it makes me so sad.
Sometimes I feel so alone in London that it gets really hard to deal with. I don't know what to do about it. Nobody seems to be into anything anymore other than just going out to the bar and getting drunk. Don't get me wrong, I have fun doing that, but I'd like more than that. I don't know a single person in London who would just come pick me up at midnight and drive around aimlessly, or who wouldn't mind just hanging out at home watching creepy ghost shows, or just sit at an all-night coffee shop until morning talking about life and purging all of our problems, or who would just go out to a field with me in the middle of the night and set up a blanket on a watchtower and just hang out with each other. Why is it that bars are the only thing adults like doing? Why are they the only suggestion anyone can ever think of? Not to sound dorky, but what about life's magical little things? They're still important to me as an adult, are they important to anyone else?
I work all day long, every day, and am so fucking jaded by life that I'd really love to have some specialness back in my life again with special people.
I've noticed that since all of my best friends are so far away now, I've become less happy. I'm different these days. You know? And I know that the people in my life notice it. I'm not as optimistic, I'm more moody, I'm not as motivated... friends are so important. In case it hasn't been apparent enough in a lot of my writing from over the past year, this is an issue that is really getting to me, deep down, that I don't really talk about a lot.
My vacation in July made me the happiest person on earth because hanging out with Jen and Chris again was like old times and I seriously had a new zest for life after that week. I felt so refreshed and happy. It was great.
I'm not sure what I need. I know I can't make all of my friends move to London. Haha. I wish. I just want to be surrounded by people who see that life is meant for living and that having fun should be a huge priority. You know? Life is going to happen, and life is going to be shitty sometimes, and being an adult sucks and jobs and money and all that stuff are totally a huge pain in the ass that you can't avoid... but you can't let that stuff totally rule over your life. I'm scared that that is happening to me, and I can't let it. I don't want to slip into a horrible depression again.
Argh. Sometimes I still feel like I need to get out of this city, but I'm trying to make it work because I don't see why it shouldn't. And I'm sure it would just be the same no matter where I went... I need to realize that moving doesn't solve things. But for some reason I always think that it will.
This is what she wrote at the end:
"Missing you lots, and really missing the times when we could sit at the wheel for 3 hours and vent all help each other out with all this crap, then just not give a fuck about the world anymore and watch the sunrise."
We used to stay out at The Fifth Wheel until like 4 am just having these huge life talks, and then we'd go sit on the shore right outside, next to the lake, and just sit there and watch the sun come up.
Fuck sometimes I miss her so much that it hurts. We had the funnest times together, and she was always up for anything. She used to just call me up at 10:30 on a Friday night and be like "Wanna go to the Ball of Hard???" (the Hardball, which was a bar in Milton like 45 minutes away, that we always went to for their Friday night 80s metal night) and she'd come pick me up and we'd haul off to Milton and party together and then sleep in her car in a parking lot across the street.
Or we would just go for drives at midnight and just drive all around town, listening to music, doing nothing at all. Or go drink wine on the pier in the middle of the lake all night long and watch for shooting stars and get all hammed and we'd get ourselves all freaked out about lake monsters and ghosts.
I don't have any friendships like that anymore. I have never had as much fun with someone as I had with Jen. And I could tell her absolutely everything and never, ever be scared that she would judge me even a single bit. I miss her so much every single day and it makes me so sad.
Sometimes I feel so alone in London that it gets really hard to deal with. I don't know what to do about it. Nobody seems to be into anything anymore other than just going out to the bar and getting drunk. Don't get me wrong, I have fun doing that, but I'd like more than that. I don't know a single person in London who would just come pick me up at midnight and drive around aimlessly, or who wouldn't mind just hanging out at home watching creepy ghost shows, or just sit at an all-night coffee shop until morning talking about life and purging all of our problems, or who would just go out to a field with me in the middle of the night and set up a blanket on a watchtower and just hang out with each other. Why is it that bars are the only thing adults like doing? Why are they the only suggestion anyone can ever think of? Not to sound dorky, but what about life's magical little things? They're still important to me as an adult, are they important to anyone else?
I work all day long, every day, and am so fucking jaded by life that I'd really love to have some specialness back in my life again with special people.
I've noticed that since all of my best friends are so far away now, I've become less happy. I'm different these days. You know? And I know that the people in my life notice it. I'm not as optimistic, I'm more moody, I'm not as motivated... friends are so important. In case it hasn't been apparent enough in a lot of my writing from over the past year, this is an issue that is really getting to me, deep down, that I don't really talk about a lot.
My vacation in July made me the happiest person on earth because hanging out with Jen and Chris again was like old times and I seriously had a new zest for life after that week. I felt so refreshed and happy. It was great.
I'm not sure what I need. I know I can't make all of my friends move to London. Haha. I wish. I just want to be surrounded by people who see that life is meant for living and that having fun should be a huge priority. You know? Life is going to happen, and life is going to be shitty sometimes, and being an adult sucks and jobs and money and all that stuff are totally a huge pain in the ass that you can't avoid... but you can't let that stuff totally rule over your life. I'm scared that that is happening to me, and I can't let it. I don't want to slip into a horrible depression again.
Argh. Sometimes I still feel like I need to get out of this city, but I'm trying to make it work because I don't see why it shouldn't. And I'm sure it would just be the same no matter where I went... I need to realize that moving doesn't solve things. But for some reason I always think that it will.