mortal armour
I really haven't been around for awhile, huh?
Work has been pretty hectic and I've been busy apartment hunting and spending time with David and the kitties. I haven't really been going out all that much, either. Well, there was Matt's birthday party in St. Thomas last weekend, which Dave's band played at, along with Jordan and Matt's band (I finally got to see St. Thomas and all the hype... not too exciting haha), and then I went to see Bob Log this past Saturday, which was pretty rad. Oh Bob Log... one man band, guy in an Elvis jumpsuit and a motorcycle helmet with a telephone receiver for a microphone, old Gretsch slide guitar, cymbal/tambourine hybrids and electric drum pedals... really Jon Spencer-ish sound except, dare I say, better? Not better but... a little more listenable. I will have photos later.
My apartment search has turned up two places so far. One far better than the other. I don't feel like blabbing on about apartment crap, because it's boring for people who have nothing to do with it (it's boring for me too haha), but I'll just say that I've applied for one that I really, really love and I'm praying that I get it. It's available for November 1st... I'm going to be staying with Dave a month longer than we had planned. Which is just fine, because things are wonderful and I love him more than ever. Insert corny junk about sweet lovin's and falling in love again and things feeling right and yadda yadda yadda. That kid is my match, man. I know sometimes I get pangs of doubt, because I get all paranoid when things aren't absolutely perfect, but damn we're great together. But we still aren't totally ready to commit to living together for good, hence me getting my own place still, for the time being.
There are some not so great things going on. Friday night, David and I were just hanging out at home, drinking some vodka and playing music for each other, introducing each other to new bands, he was showing me some of his old bands' music... it was turning out to be a really nice night in and we had a good talk about me moving and he was giving me good advice... I was feeling alright and then I called my mom to ask her opinion on my apartment situation. Then she tells me that she had a mini-stroke this past Wednesday. After she said the word "stroke" I felt my ears start to ring and my eyes just busted out with tears. I couldn't focus on anything else that she was saying, just that she had had a stroke and I didn't even know about it when it happened. I almost puked. My dad's mom died of complications that arose after a serious stroke, so in my mind, strokes equate to death, no questions asked. And when my grandmother had a stroke, it was the first and only time I ever saw my dad cry, which was one of the worst and most gut-wrenching things I've ever experienced, so yeah... I don't associate anything positive with strokes.
She kept reassuring me that it wasn't a big deal, that they checked out her head and her heart and everything was fine, they just think it was some blockage in her neck or something, and she's going on for more tests this week... but all I could think about was the fact that my parents are indeed very mortal beings and one day they won't be around. I didn't say that to her, but I have been thinking about it non-stop lately.
After I got off the phone with her, I just sat on the floor crying while Dave rubbed my back and tried to convince me that "at least she's okay and it wasn't serious" but then I'm just thinking that things like this lead to more serious problems, and it feels like this is the beginning of something bad, you know? We had a talk about how our parents will die someday and it's just something that everyone has to deal with... but I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to not have my mom around. My mom is my best friend. She is the only person that is continuously there for me, no matter what, and has always loved me just the same no matter what has happened. She has always forgiven me for everything stupid or terrible that I've ever done, she goes out of her way to make sure that I'm always okay, she bails me out of bad situations even if it means putting her own life in a less comfortable situation... she makes me feel better when I'm sad, and she makes me realize that I am a strong woman who can get through life's bullshit. My mom is the strongest person I have ever known; I look up to her so fiercely. She's been through total and utter hell in her life (abusive step-fathers, absent mothers, moving out at 17, serious health problems, abusive boyfriends, cheating fiancees, times when she barely had a penny, raising me and my brother almost completely on her own) and has always pulled through and she is a fucking fighter. She is a woman who makes sure she gets what she deserves out of life because she was so sick of being treated like shit, she puts everyone's happiness ahead of her own, she always made sure that no matter how shitty things were my brother and I always had a roof over our heads, food on the table, and a mother who would do anything for us.
My mom inspires me so much, just the way she is with people. Everyone at her work loves her and they view her almost like a saint. She is assertive and knows how to get what she wants, but at the same time she treats people like gold and is always putting everyone's needs ahead of her own. I've seen her go through hell with men and she always comes out on top.
And now I'm terrified because as strong as my mom is, I know she's also weak, even though she acts tough. I don't care how insignificant she thinks this whole thing is, how can she expect me not to be insane with fear over something like this? I feel bad because I know she's probably scared and is looking to me for strength, but it's hard to be strong when the strongest woman you know is being threatened by her own health.
I hate this so much. I feel sick.
Work has been pretty hectic and I've been busy apartment hunting and spending time with David and the kitties. I haven't really been going out all that much, either. Well, there was Matt's birthday party in St. Thomas last weekend, which Dave's band played at, along with Jordan and Matt's band (I finally got to see St. Thomas and all the hype... not too exciting haha), and then I went to see Bob Log this past Saturday, which was pretty rad. Oh Bob Log... one man band, guy in an Elvis jumpsuit and a motorcycle helmet with a telephone receiver for a microphone, old Gretsch slide guitar, cymbal/tambourine hybrids and electric drum pedals... really Jon Spencer-ish sound except, dare I say, better? Not better but... a little more listenable. I will have photos later.
My apartment search has turned up two places so far. One far better than the other. I don't feel like blabbing on about apartment crap, because it's boring for people who have nothing to do with it (it's boring for me too haha), but I'll just say that I've applied for one that I really, really love and I'm praying that I get it. It's available for November 1st... I'm going to be staying with Dave a month longer than we had planned. Which is just fine, because things are wonderful and I love him more than ever. Insert corny junk about sweet lovin's and falling in love again and things feeling right and yadda yadda yadda. That kid is my match, man. I know sometimes I get pangs of doubt, because I get all paranoid when things aren't absolutely perfect, but damn we're great together. But we still aren't totally ready to commit to living together for good, hence me getting my own place still, for the time being.
There are some not so great things going on. Friday night, David and I were just hanging out at home, drinking some vodka and playing music for each other, introducing each other to new bands, he was showing me some of his old bands' music... it was turning out to be a really nice night in and we had a good talk about me moving and he was giving me good advice... I was feeling alright and then I called my mom to ask her opinion on my apartment situation. Then she tells me that she had a mini-stroke this past Wednesday. After she said the word "stroke" I felt my ears start to ring and my eyes just busted out with tears. I couldn't focus on anything else that she was saying, just that she had had a stroke and I didn't even know about it when it happened. I almost puked. My dad's mom died of complications that arose after a serious stroke, so in my mind, strokes equate to death, no questions asked. And when my grandmother had a stroke, it was the first and only time I ever saw my dad cry, which was one of the worst and most gut-wrenching things I've ever experienced, so yeah... I don't associate anything positive with strokes.
She kept reassuring me that it wasn't a big deal, that they checked out her head and her heart and everything was fine, they just think it was some blockage in her neck or something, and she's going on for more tests this week... but all I could think about was the fact that my parents are indeed very mortal beings and one day they won't be around. I didn't say that to her, but I have been thinking about it non-stop lately.
After I got off the phone with her, I just sat on the floor crying while Dave rubbed my back and tried to convince me that "at least she's okay and it wasn't serious" but then I'm just thinking that things like this lead to more serious problems, and it feels like this is the beginning of something bad, you know? We had a talk about how our parents will die someday and it's just something that everyone has to deal with... but I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to not have my mom around. My mom is my best friend. She is the only person that is continuously there for me, no matter what, and has always loved me just the same no matter what has happened. She has always forgiven me for everything stupid or terrible that I've ever done, she goes out of her way to make sure that I'm always okay, she bails me out of bad situations even if it means putting her own life in a less comfortable situation... she makes me feel better when I'm sad, and she makes me realize that I am a strong woman who can get through life's bullshit. My mom is the strongest person I have ever known; I look up to her so fiercely. She's been through total and utter hell in her life (abusive step-fathers, absent mothers, moving out at 17, serious health problems, abusive boyfriends, cheating fiancees, times when she barely had a penny, raising me and my brother almost completely on her own) and has always pulled through and she is a fucking fighter. She is a woman who makes sure she gets what she deserves out of life because she was so sick of being treated like shit, she puts everyone's happiness ahead of her own, she always made sure that no matter how shitty things were my brother and I always had a roof over our heads, food on the table, and a mother who would do anything for us.
My mom inspires me so much, just the way she is with people. Everyone at her work loves her and they view her almost like a saint. She is assertive and knows how to get what she wants, but at the same time she treats people like gold and is always putting everyone's needs ahead of her own. I've seen her go through hell with men and she always comes out on top.
And now I'm terrified because as strong as my mom is, I know she's also weak, even though she acts tough. I don't care how insignificant she thinks this whole thing is, how can she expect me not to be insane with fear over something like this? I feel bad because I know she's probably scared and is looking to me for strength, but it's hard to be strong when the strongest woman you know is being threatened by her own health.
I hate this so much. I feel sick.