starry, starry night
This has got to be one of the saddest, most gut-wrenchingly sad songs in the whole universe... so beautiful, too.
Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.
Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.
For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.
Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...
Also, I have been on a real heavy Donovan Leitch kick lately.
I saw a friend tonight whom I have not seen in a long time. He called me at work, and it was just totally random that he happened to be in town and I was totally free tonight, and so it was. We stopped in at my apartment so I could change out of my work clothes, and he sat in my living room, playing guitar wonderfully, and I thought to myself that I would really love to have someone around all the time who would just play my acoustic guitar all day while I went about my daily life, such as showering, folding laundry, doing my dishes, painting... it would be a treat to live my life by a soundtrack as such. And so it was.
Another friend of ours joined us at Symposium for drinks and red pepper dip, and we finally had the intellectual (not sexual) threesome we have so often talked about having but colliding schedules are never fair, and so it was.
Said other friend left around 1:30, and my not-seldom seen friend and I were left to ponder heartbreak and fingers and eastern death metal techno jazz. And I realized how much I terribly missed his company and made a mental note to go visit him in his new city more often.
And so it will be, because lately I have been remembering the great people I have met in this city full of "trees" who really stand out among all of the fairweather people I have met, and lately they seem to mean more to me than ever before, and I have really been trying to come out of my self-imposed shell to socialize and open myself to the intriguing experiences, conversation and eye contact that I missed. It's so hard for me to maintain a constant social life... I go through phases where I will make plans with people a few times a week, and go out and be fluttery and smile a lot and make my eyes twinkle at everyone I meet... and then the bricks pile up around me and I go into hiding for sometimes months at a time and my reclusive tendencies cloud my brain. I don't like those phases, and I am trying to control them so that they are less intense and drawn-out. A balance is what I want to find.
I miss experiences. Already in the past week and a half, I have spent time with three of my favourite people on earth whom I haven't really sat down and spent time with in long while. Already, in the past week and a half, I have had heart to hearts about a (figuratively) dying love, an intense spiralling disease of the mind taking control of someone who is loved, and the heartbreak of someone whose machinery was thought to be programmed to feel anything but these days. Already in the past week, I have felt that amazing late night drive feeling with someone you are close to, I have lent pajama pants to a woman I look up to very much, I have received a hand-written thank-you note scrawled on a ripped envelope, I have listened to a hilarious, wonderful woman describe her pain, I have drunk rare(-ish) Polish vodka, I have listened to a tale about a girl having fecal matter pushed back up her anus while having violent anal sex for the very first time, I have made someone smile just because I brought them their favourite candy... these are the things I miss when I retreat, and I hate that.
I'm remembering that I really do need to keep people closer to me because creating new experiences and memories with the people I enjoy the most is so uplifting, and so inspiring, and I don't ever want to let people slip through my fingers just because I can be an apathetic friend (due to my reclusiveness).
If when I am 80 years old, I am cripple and am left with only my memories to keep me company, I want to know that I will never be lonely and I'll always have something to smile about.
On a slightly unrelated note...
"Although the energies have settled down, it doesn't mean that you are ready to do the same. It does, however, smooth over some of the ragged edges in your life. You may not be so frantic or impulsive now; allow temperance to enter your life. It's a smart idea to establish equilibrium and harmony where you can."
Wow. Intensely bang-on.
I'm having trouble with establishing harmony right now. I have to say, I'm much more scared and stressed out than I let on about a certain situation that I am having to enter very soon. I'm so subconsciously stressed out about the whole thing (for really, no good reason) that I worked myself up last night so much while in bed at David's that I caused myself a huge, sickening panic attack at 3 am. Totally out of nowhere.
I'm terrified because everything is so unpredictable, everything is so delicate and I don't want to rock the boat. My trust is so unstable these days. I'm trying to stabilize it, but I can't help but go crazy over the fact that I feel like every move I am going to be making in the next couple of weeks is just going to kill all of this, kill what we've built, kill what stability we've finally sort of created somehow. I'm terrified you're going to hate me, resent me, become way more complacent than I'm comfortable with... I don't know. I'm tempted to just disappear from your life for a week just to try and somehow deal with my feelings about this without actually having you around. That probably makes no sense, and wouldn't help at all but it's what I feel like doing. But I won't, because pulling that kind of stuff would probably complicate things.
I'm just terrified, that's all I know. So terrified that I am giving myself fucking panic attacks over it. I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to eradicate my stress (not just about this, but about everything). It's becoming so bad that I'm finding it almost impossible to deal with some days. I don't know how to properly deal with stress at ALL: I either get so worked up and anxious that I make myself nuts and my nerves get all shot, or I just get majorly avoidant and apathetic about everything that I ignore things until I absolutely HAVE to deal with them, and that's just no good at all because I'm supposed to be correcting my avoidant tendencies, not encouraging them.
Oh ps. I got promoted today, so I am now the new manager of my store.
Yay money, yay title, yay business cards, yay more control, yay sense of importance haha.
Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.
Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.
For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.
Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...
Also, I have been on a real heavy Donovan Leitch kick lately.
I saw a friend tonight whom I have not seen in a long time. He called me at work, and it was just totally random that he happened to be in town and I was totally free tonight, and so it was. We stopped in at my apartment so I could change out of my work clothes, and he sat in my living room, playing guitar wonderfully, and I thought to myself that I would really love to have someone around all the time who would just play my acoustic guitar all day while I went about my daily life, such as showering, folding laundry, doing my dishes, painting... it would be a treat to live my life by a soundtrack as such. And so it was.
Another friend of ours joined us at Symposium for drinks and red pepper dip, and we finally had the intellectual (not sexual) threesome we have so often talked about having but colliding schedules are never fair, and so it was.
Said other friend left around 1:30, and my not-seldom seen friend and I were left to ponder heartbreak and fingers and eastern death metal techno jazz. And I realized how much I terribly missed his company and made a mental note to go visit him in his new city more often.
And so it will be, because lately I have been remembering the great people I have met in this city full of "trees" who really stand out among all of the fairweather people I have met, and lately they seem to mean more to me than ever before, and I have really been trying to come out of my self-imposed shell to socialize and open myself to the intriguing experiences, conversation and eye contact that I missed. It's so hard for me to maintain a constant social life... I go through phases where I will make plans with people a few times a week, and go out and be fluttery and smile a lot and make my eyes twinkle at everyone I meet... and then the bricks pile up around me and I go into hiding for sometimes months at a time and my reclusive tendencies cloud my brain. I don't like those phases, and I am trying to control them so that they are less intense and drawn-out. A balance is what I want to find.
I miss experiences. Already in the past week and a half, I have spent time with three of my favourite people on earth whom I haven't really sat down and spent time with in long while. Already, in the past week and a half, I have had heart to hearts about a (figuratively) dying love, an intense spiralling disease of the mind taking control of someone who is loved, and the heartbreak of someone whose machinery was thought to be programmed to feel anything but these days. Already in the past week, I have felt that amazing late night drive feeling with someone you are close to, I have lent pajama pants to a woman I look up to very much, I have received a hand-written thank-you note scrawled on a ripped envelope, I have listened to a hilarious, wonderful woman describe her pain, I have drunk rare(-ish) Polish vodka, I have listened to a tale about a girl having fecal matter pushed back up her anus while having violent anal sex for the very first time, I have made someone smile just because I brought them their favourite candy... these are the things I miss when I retreat, and I hate that.
I'm remembering that I really do need to keep people closer to me because creating new experiences and memories with the people I enjoy the most is so uplifting, and so inspiring, and I don't ever want to let people slip through my fingers just because I can be an apathetic friend (due to my reclusiveness).
If when I am 80 years old, I am cripple and am left with only my memories to keep me company, I want to know that I will never be lonely and I'll always have something to smile about.
On a slightly unrelated note...
"Although the energies have settled down, it doesn't mean that you are ready to do the same. It does, however, smooth over some of the ragged edges in your life. You may not be so frantic or impulsive now; allow temperance to enter your life. It's a smart idea to establish equilibrium and harmony where you can."
Wow. Intensely bang-on.
I'm having trouble with establishing harmony right now. I have to say, I'm much more scared and stressed out than I let on about a certain situation that I am having to enter very soon. I'm so subconsciously stressed out about the whole thing (for really, no good reason) that I worked myself up last night so much while in bed at David's that I caused myself a huge, sickening panic attack at 3 am. Totally out of nowhere.
I'm terrified because everything is so unpredictable, everything is so delicate and I don't want to rock the boat. My trust is so unstable these days. I'm trying to stabilize it, but I can't help but go crazy over the fact that I feel like every move I am going to be making in the next couple of weeks is just going to kill all of this, kill what we've built, kill what stability we've finally sort of created somehow. I'm terrified you're going to hate me, resent me, become way more complacent than I'm comfortable with... I don't know. I'm tempted to just disappear from your life for a week just to try and somehow deal with my feelings about this without actually having you around. That probably makes no sense, and wouldn't help at all but it's what I feel like doing. But I won't, because pulling that kind of stuff would probably complicate things.
I'm just terrified, that's all I know. So terrified that I am giving myself fucking panic attacks over it. I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to eradicate my stress (not just about this, but about everything). It's becoming so bad that I'm finding it almost impossible to deal with some days. I don't know how to properly deal with stress at ALL: I either get so worked up and anxious that I make myself nuts and my nerves get all shot, or I just get majorly avoidant and apathetic about everything that I ignore things until I absolutely HAVE to deal with them, and that's just no good at all because I'm supposed to be correcting my avoidant tendencies, not encouraging them.
Oh ps. I got promoted today, so I am now the new manager of my store.
Yay money, yay title, yay business cards, yay more control, yay sense of importance haha.