insane 4 am ramblings about babies and Germany?
I'm feeling so blah today. Totally manic day. Up, down, up, down. Happy, sad, happy, sad.
Cable guy came today and hooked up our cable and internet. I'm pumpt 'cause we got to pick a combo pack with our digital cable, so we picked the movie bundle. Now we have IFC, Scream, Action, and all these other rad movie channels.
I finally was able to upload all of my Jamaica pictures to Facebook (I'm very organized with my photo albums over there for some reason). I'll make that post in here very soon about the trip with a bazillion pictures to accompany it, if you're interested, since now I can actually sit at my computer and do it here, instead of squinting at my Blackberry trying to post from that frigging thing.
Why so serious?
Well I guess I'm just stressed about money. Still. It hit me again today, and I had another minor breakdown in my bedroom. I avoid thinking about money most of the time, and when I do, it's because it's badtimes, and I just feel like I'm going to lose it. I've got a new shiny resume all worked out, now I just need to print the sons of bitches and start schlepping. Tomorrow I am going to go down to the gym and bike it for awhile, to destress, then come back up, shower, print resumes and hash out a list of places to go. Fucking fuck I hate job shit. I wish I had a chosen "career path" but that's not fucking me, dude. I'm a nomad. A nomad who is too scared of commitment to pick a career. Ha.
I was also just thinking about life today, as in, babies, or travel? Babies? Or travel? Where the hell do I want my life to go? In my head, it's either one or the other. Either I pop out a couple of kids in the next couple of years and start a family, and go that route... Or I choose not to have children and I go the path where I get to keep only having to worry about me, and travel the world. Those are my two options, as far as my life/personality goes. I've been thinking about kids so much lately, but not in a "I really want to have kids" way. It's in a "I have to decide what I want as far as that stuff goes" way. Do I want kids or do I not? I've always SAID I wanted kids. But it's easy to say that when you're 16 and you know you're not even expected to start thinking seriously about having kids for another 10 years. You can be all apathetic like "oh yeah, I want kids someday". But when you're halfway through your 20s, your uterus has only got another 10 years on it before doctors say it starts to get riskier to have children, and you really have to start thinking about what you want out of life?
And that is where I am at right now, and it is driving me nuts.
I've never been particularily fond of kids. I've never had an overwhelming urge to have kids. I just always assumed I'd have one or two eventually. It was a far-off, kind of vague thoughts. Now I'm just like... man. This is a big issue for people. Kids are a MAJOR deal.
The thing that makes me nervous is, well, me. Because of how I am, I worry that kids aren't a realistic option for me, if I want to be happy and fulfilled. Here is my point: I am a total loner, I am extremely moody, I really enjoy my own company, I am very adventurous and LOVE to travel, I want to travel a great deal in my life, I have a case of unmedicated manic depression, I can be pretty selfish about my own happiness... I don't know. I just feel like I'm not the right kind of person to have a kid. But then it's like, part of me is pretty sure she wants at least one.
It's blowing my mind right now, just thinking about how big of a deal this issue is. I mean, it's so big that it could make or break Dave and I. He wants kids, no question. If I ultimately decide I don't want to ever have children, we said tonight that we'd have to break up. And then I was getting all weirded out because I realized that Dave and I don't have a very copasetic view of the "big things." He wants kids, I might not. He 100% wants to live in the country eventually, I don't know if that's right for me (it sounds lovely, but I don't know if I can commit to a home that far away from civilization and culture). He is more of a safe secure homebody type, I am a crazy, spontaneous, worldly adventurer type. Yeah sure, opposites attract and all that, but that is some pretty important shit right there: can we make it work? Especially since, as far as my travelling and adventures go, I'd love to have a fun, excited, adventurous partner right there with me, you know? And I'm not so sure Dave can be that person. He won't let himself be that person. He puts so many limits on himself. I don't like limits. Fuck limits. I ALWAYS always said that I would never, ever, in a million years, set foot in the ocean. Now I adore it and dream about it at night, and I like to snorkel and scuba dive and I love boating. I was always petrified of aeroplanes, and never wanted to get on one. Now I've been on a plane four times in this past year and I'm planning more trips overseas for the future.
I don't like to let my fears hold me back from experiencing anything, anymore. There is too much amazingness in this world to put limits up and say "nope, not gonna happen." I like to let myself be coerced into doing things I'm scared to do. I like to put myself out on a limb and see what happens. I like taking risks. I like the rush I get from doing something thrilling and scary. I want to experience everything I can. And I just love to DO things! I hate sitting around the house all the time, zoning out in front of the tv or the computer. That's okay sometimes, but fuck, I'm so into doing shit like hiking, camping, bike-riding, swimming, road-tripping... I like most outdoorsy things. Fishing, cross-country skiing, snow-shoeing... I LOVE rollercoasters, I have a new-found love of scuba diving, snorkelling and all kinds of watersports.
And I love to SEE things! Looking at amazing stuff in a big fat book just isn't enough for me. I want to touch things, look at them in person, be in their presence, feel their energy. I go crazy for history, so of course one of my main goals and passions in life is to get over to Europe soon. For SOMEthing! To live there for awhile, to just travel around there for a few months, to go back on separate occasions visiting different countries, seeing everything I can see, I don't know! I'll take it all! All I think about sometimes is going to Italy, Greece, Spain, France, England, Scandanavia, Germany, Belgium... I've even been thinking lately about trying to go to Africa and India someday as well. There are so many other cultures and languages and people in this world. I hate being stuck in this stupid North American bubble, full of people who are so self-important, thinking Western culture is so fucking important and incomparable, and who are so ignorant to the world around them. I'm not like that! I'm so grateful to live in Canada and have a great life and my health and a decent government, but I'd be a fool to think that there's nothing else out to see. I hate how America-centric this continent is and I really want to make a point to get out of here at regular intervals in my life.
I don't know if I can do that stuff if I have kids!
And therein lies my internal struggle.
Don't get me wrong, my current monetary issues are infinitely more pressing at the moment than any of this stuff, but it's just what I've been thinking about, going crazy about, worrying about, other than my immediate woes.
Annnnddddd it's just another one of those nights where my age is making me feel pressured.
BLAH BLAH BLAH, fuck me, I'm boring.
Cable guy came today and hooked up our cable and internet. I'm pumpt 'cause we got to pick a combo pack with our digital cable, so we picked the movie bundle. Now we have IFC, Scream, Action, and all these other rad movie channels.
I finally was able to upload all of my Jamaica pictures to Facebook (I'm very organized with my photo albums over there for some reason). I'll make that post in here very soon about the trip with a bazillion pictures to accompany it, if you're interested, since now I can actually sit at my computer and do it here, instead of squinting at my Blackberry trying to post from that frigging thing.
Why so serious?
Well I guess I'm just stressed about money. Still. It hit me again today, and I had another minor breakdown in my bedroom. I avoid thinking about money most of the time, and when I do, it's because it's badtimes, and I just feel like I'm going to lose it. I've got a new shiny resume all worked out, now I just need to print the sons of bitches and start schlepping. Tomorrow I am going to go down to the gym and bike it for awhile, to destress, then come back up, shower, print resumes and hash out a list of places to go. Fucking fuck I hate job shit. I wish I had a chosen "career path" but that's not fucking me, dude. I'm a nomad. A nomad who is too scared of commitment to pick a career. Ha.
I was also just thinking about life today, as in, babies, or travel? Babies? Or travel? Where the hell do I want my life to go? In my head, it's either one or the other. Either I pop out a couple of kids in the next couple of years and start a family, and go that route... Or I choose not to have children and I go the path where I get to keep only having to worry about me, and travel the world. Those are my two options, as far as my life/personality goes. I've been thinking about kids so much lately, but not in a "I really want to have kids" way. It's in a "I have to decide what I want as far as that stuff goes" way. Do I want kids or do I not? I've always SAID I wanted kids. But it's easy to say that when you're 16 and you know you're not even expected to start thinking seriously about having kids for another 10 years. You can be all apathetic like "oh yeah, I want kids someday". But when you're halfway through your 20s, your uterus has only got another 10 years on it before doctors say it starts to get riskier to have children, and you really have to start thinking about what you want out of life?
And that is where I am at right now, and it is driving me nuts.
I've never been particularily fond of kids. I've never had an overwhelming urge to have kids. I just always assumed I'd have one or two eventually. It was a far-off, kind of vague thoughts. Now I'm just like... man. This is a big issue for people. Kids are a MAJOR deal.
The thing that makes me nervous is, well, me. Because of how I am, I worry that kids aren't a realistic option for me, if I want to be happy and fulfilled. Here is my point: I am a total loner, I am extremely moody, I really enjoy my own company, I am very adventurous and LOVE to travel, I want to travel a great deal in my life, I have a case of unmedicated manic depression, I can be pretty selfish about my own happiness... I don't know. I just feel like I'm not the right kind of person to have a kid. But then it's like, part of me is pretty sure she wants at least one.
It's blowing my mind right now, just thinking about how big of a deal this issue is. I mean, it's so big that it could make or break Dave and I. He wants kids, no question. If I ultimately decide I don't want to ever have children, we said tonight that we'd have to break up. And then I was getting all weirded out because I realized that Dave and I don't have a very copasetic view of the "big things." He wants kids, I might not. He 100% wants to live in the country eventually, I don't know if that's right for me (it sounds lovely, but I don't know if I can commit to a home that far away from civilization and culture). He is more of a safe secure homebody type, I am a crazy, spontaneous, worldly adventurer type. Yeah sure, opposites attract and all that, but that is some pretty important shit right there: can we make it work? Especially since, as far as my travelling and adventures go, I'd love to have a fun, excited, adventurous partner right there with me, you know? And I'm not so sure Dave can be that person. He won't let himself be that person. He puts so many limits on himself. I don't like limits. Fuck limits. I ALWAYS always said that I would never, ever, in a million years, set foot in the ocean. Now I adore it and dream about it at night, and I like to snorkel and scuba dive and I love boating. I was always petrified of aeroplanes, and never wanted to get on one. Now I've been on a plane four times in this past year and I'm planning more trips overseas for the future.
I don't like to let my fears hold me back from experiencing anything, anymore. There is too much amazingness in this world to put limits up and say "nope, not gonna happen." I like to let myself be coerced into doing things I'm scared to do. I like to put myself out on a limb and see what happens. I like taking risks. I like the rush I get from doing something thrilling and scary. I want to experience everything I can. And I just love to DO things! I hate sitting around the house all the time, zoning out in front of the tv or the computer. That's okay sometimes, but fuck, I'm so into doing shit like hiking, camping, bike-riding, swimming, road-tripping... I like most outdoorsy things. Fishing, cross-country skiing, snow-shoeing... I LOVE rollercoasters, I have a new-found love of scuba diving, snorkelling and all kinds of watersports.
And I love to SEE things! Looking at amazing stuff in a big fat book just isn't enough for me. I want to touch things, look at them in person, be in their presence, feel their energy. I go crazy for history, so of course one of my main goals and passions in life is to get over to Europe soon. For SOMEthing! To live there for awhile, to just travel around there for a few months, to go back on separate occasions visiting different countries, seeing everything I can see, I don't know! I'll take it all! All I think about sometimes is going to Italy, Greece, Spain, France, England, Scandanavia, Germany, Belgium... I've even been thinking lately about trying to go to Africa and India someday as well. There are so many other cultures and languages and people in this world. I hate being stuck in this stupid North American bubble, full of people who are so self-important, thinking Western culture is so fucking important and incomparable, and who are so ignorant to the world around them. I'm not like that! I'm so grateful to live in Canada and have a great life and my health and a decent government, but I'd be a fool to think that there's nothing else out to see. I hate how America-centric this continent is and I really want to make a point to get out of here at regular intervals in my life.
I don't know if I can do that stuff if I have kids!
And therein lies my internal struggle.
Don't get me wrong, my current monetary issues are infinitely more pressing at the moment than any of this stuff, but it's just what I've been thinking about, going crazy about, worrying about, other than my immediate woes.
Annnnddddd it's just another one of those nights where my age is making me feel pressured.
BLAH BLAH BLAH, fuck me, I'm boring.