fear is a gold band?
I don't mean for this to come off as h8-core to ANYone on my friends list at all, or anything but...
It drives me nuts, hearing about people I know, who are my age, having babies and getting married.
I'm just... I so can't see that stuff happening to me any time soon, I have way too many reservations about committing myself to something like that. It's so big and scary and permanent, and I'm sorry but that is fucking terrifying.
I don't think that makes me immature, although it sure feels like it sometimes. It makes me go "wtf is wrong with me? What is my major malfunction?"
I know everyone is different.
I know that stuff doesn't appeal to everyone.
I like to think it might appeal to me someday. I guess. Or maybe I don't? I mean... I really have no idea. Maybe I'm destined to not have those things in my life. ?
Maybe I'm just not one of those "married with children" people.
It's not even that I feel like "omg I have to go against the norm because I'm not like those normies..." It's not a conscious decision. It's just something I feel. I feel like that isn't ME, at least not at this point in my life or anywhere in the near future.
I don't know, maybe I'm just too self-absorbed to commit to things like that. My life is my life. I don't really think I have to conform to these ideals of a life that seem to be expected from me. It's not like anyone's forcing this shit on me, this is all coming from within. But like... even my cousin is supposedly getting married next August. My best friend is married. My ex-best friend is married. My other cousin is getting married in the summer. So many people I know in London are married and having babies. So many of my Toronto friends are married. I'm just like.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO BEFORE I'M 27/28/WHATEVER/SHOULD HAVE DONE BY NOW!!!
I don't plan on ever getting divorced, so I am NOT getting married until I am 99% sure that's what I want. Maybe I'll never get married. Who fucking knows?! I don't want to plan out my goddamn life. I LIKE living for tomorrow. I LIKE seeing what's next. I LIKE seeing what life plops into my lap. I don't want to force myself into any sort of lifestyle that I don't feel comfortable with.
I don't know... marriage is just so scary. I like to fool myself into thinking it's not that big of a deal, but IT IS and I have to stop pretending that it isn't.
I'm not a robot... you know... it's pretty nice to think about the whole "big day" thing; standing at the altar with this person you love so much, and feeling like you're just this fucking awesome team and you're all "omg I want to marry you so hard" and the dress and the handsome-ness of your groom and the happiness and the honeymoon and all that shit... yeah, I think about that. And that's all fine and dandy and sweet.
But then I think realistically about MARRIAGE dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnn. Most of the time I feel like it's this big stupid lock-down on your relationship. Like, "haha, now it is going to be VERY HARD for you to ever get rid of me! Lawyers and money and court and property division muahahahahahaha!" and it makes me feel sick.
I don't ever want to feel that tied to someone, it's too much. I always want to know that I can leave whenever I want to and not have to pay these enormous consequences. It's just so evil sounding. Ack.
I want to be in a relationship with someone, committed to someone, because I WANT to be there, not because some legal piece of paper guilts me into staying.
Just thinking about marriage and babies makes me feel like I can't breathe. It just seems like one big STOP SIGN when you get to that point. Like, okay, you aren't living for you anymore. I don't want people to depend on me. I am not reliable, and I don't want to be reliable, honestly. I like being unpredictable. It's just me. The only person I answer to is myself, and I like it that way, and I don't know if I ever want to give that up. I like doing what I want, when I want. I like it when the only person my decisions affect is me. That's why I get the relationship jitters. And that's just a relationship! That's not even fucking marriage.
When people start to depend on me too much, and rely on me, and think that they "know" me and that they know my patterns and my moods and all of my little intricacies... that scares me and it makes me want to scream. As much as I sometimes wish for someone who knows me better than I know myself, in reality, that's kind of a nightmare.
My life is my life. I am ultimately going to do what I want to do. I'm not a very considerate person when it comes to a lot of things, because I don't appreciate anyone hindering my happiness. Because my happiness is INCREDIBLY important to me. There aren't many people whose happiness I would put before my own. Call me selfish, I don't care. That's just the way the cookie crumbles here. I've worked too hard to get to the point I'm at in my emotional/mental world, and I have realized that my happiness is number one.
Maybe one day that will all change.
After all, c'est la vie.
But at this point in my life... I am just so not there.
It drives me nuts, hearing about people I know, who are my age, having babies and getting married.
I'm just... I so can't see that stuff happening to me any time soon, I have way too many reservations about committing myself to something like that. It's so big and scary and permanent, and I'm sorry but that is fucking terrifying.
I don't think that makes me immature, although it sure feels like it sometimes. It makes me go "wtf is wrong with me? What is my major malfunction?"
I know everyone is different.
I know that stuff doesn't appeal to everyone.
I like to think it might appeal to me someday. I guess. Or maybe I don't? I mean... I really have no idea. Maybe I'm destined to not have those things in my life. ?
Maybe I'm just not one of those "married with children" people.
It's not even that I feel like "omg I have to go against the norm because I'm not like those normies..." It's not a conscious decision. It's just something I feel. I feel like that isn't ME, at least not at this point in my life or anywhere in the near future.
I don't know, maybe I'm just too self-absorbed to commit to things like that. My life is my life. I don't really think I have to conform to these ideals of a life that seem to be expected from me. It's not like anyone's forcing this shit on me, this is all coming from within. But like... even my cousin is supposedly getting married next August. My best friend is married. My ex-best friend is married. My other cousin is getting married in the summer. So many people I know in London are married and having babies. So many of my Toronto friends are married. I'm just like.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO BEFORE I'M 27/28/WHATEVER/SHOULD HAVE DONE BY NOW!!!
I don't plan on ever getting divorced, so I am NOT getting married until I am 99% sure that's what I want. Maybe I'll never get married. Who fucking knows?! I don't want to plan out my goddamn life. I LIKE living for tomorrow. I LIKE seeing what's next. I LIKE seeing what life plops into my lap. I don't want to force myself into any sort of lifestyle that I don't feel comfortable with.
I don't know... marriage is just so scary. I like to fool myself into thinking it's not that big of a deal, but IT IS and I have to stop pretending that it isn't.
I'm not a robot... you know... it's pretty nice to think about the whole "big day" thing; standing at the altar with this person you love so much, and feeling like you're just this fucking awesome team and you're all "omg I want to marry you so hard" and the dress and the handsome-ness of your groom and the happiness and the honeymoon and all that shit... yeah, I think about that. And that's all fine and dandy and sweet.
But then I think realistically about MARRIAGE dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnn. Most of the time I feel like it's this big stupid lock-down on your relationship. Like, "haha, now it is going to be VERY HARD for you to ever get rid of me! Lawyers and money and court and property division muahahahahahaha!" and it makes me feel sick.
I don't ever want to feel that tied to someone, it's too much. I always want to know that I can leave whenever I want to and not have to pay these enormous consequences. It's just so evil sounding. Ack.
I want to be in a relationship with someone, committed to someone, because I WANT to be there, not because some legal piece of paper guilts me into staying.
Just thinking about marriage and babies makes me feel like I can't breathe. It just seems like one big STOP SIGN when you get to that point. Like, okay, you aren't living for you anymore. I don't want people to depend on me. I am not reliable, and I don't want to be reliable, honestly. I like being unpredictable. It's just me. The only person I answer to is myself, and I like it that way, and I don't know if I ever want to give that up. I like doing what I want, when I want. I like it when the only person my decisions affect is me. That's why I get the relationship jitters. And that's just a relationship! That's not even fucking marriage.
When people start to depend on me too much, and rely on me, and think that they "know" me and that they know my patterns and my moods and all of my little intricacies... that scares me and it makes me want to scream. As much as I sometimes wish for someone who knows me better than I know myself, in reality, that's kind of a nightmare.
My life is my life. I am ultimately going to do what I want to do. I'm not a very considerate person when it comes to a lot of things, because I don't appreciate anyone hindering my happiness. Because my happiness is INCREDIBLY important to me. There aren't many people whose happiness I would put before my own. Call me selfish, I don't care. That's just the way the cookie crumbles here. I've worked too hard to get to the point I'm at in my emotional/mental world, and I have realized that my happiness is number one.
Maybe one day that will all change.
After all, c'est la vie.
But at this point in my life... I am just so not there.