super duper important post - I need advice and some helpful ears, BADLY
Blah. I'm such a mix of emotions right now that I don't even know how to write this entry.
Today at work, I basically got an ultimatum-slash-letter of employment termination.
The jist of which is that because of our store's steady decline in sales this past year, and pretty much the company's lack of faith in my ability as a manager, I either have one month to turn the store around, or they are demoting me to Assistant Manager with a pay cut and hiring a new manager, and if I don't agree to those terms, I'm terminated.
I don't even want to get into the myriad problems with this whole accusational letter... I mean, they basically said right in there: "As a store manager you a required to generate ideas to get customers into the store," and they are saying, among other things, that I did not do this, and therefore my sales have been slipping a lot. UM? Seriously, I could write a fucking novel of all of the promotional ideas I gave my head office to get people into that store. And not ONCE did they look into any of them. I kept telling them that because of our location/competition/lack of advertising, that we NEEDED to advertise more and I gave them a TON of ideas for promotions within the community, and they were TOO CHEAP and stupid to even bother.
I am pretty infuriated by them accusing me of not bothering to try and increase sales. But this doesn't entirely surprise me. The fact is: I'm almost kind of glad? I have been looking for an excuse to get out of there, but I was so comfortable that I didn't want to bother. I was being lazy. I've been there for 3 years and basically got away with murder. So, while this comes as a slight shock - because of how harsh they were in giving me A MONTH to turn sales around; uh, hello? How about being realistic and working with me on a gradual 3 month plan, especially with the state of the economy the way that it is??? - it is also a blessing in disguise.
Or so I'm hoping.
(Ps. I'm also so OBVIOUSLY impressed that they put the decline of the store on MY SHOULDERS ALONE. Uh, okay. Don't factor in any of the many things my store has working against, such as the fact that the economy is bombing and we are located in the POOR END OF TOWN, and there is recent competition telling people that we are going out of business, the company has been doing virtually NO advertising in London while our competition is absolutely bombarding every media outlet with advertisements that are eerily similar to ours... but our bad sales are my fault, obviously. Oh yeah, that's pretty fair.)
There's SO much more I could say about this whole thing, but I just finished talking to Dave about it all and truthfully, I'm tired of talking about it because it's such a pile of horseshit.
There are more important things for me to worry about right now...
Having this happen to me today has made me think. And think and think and think. The thing is: I am 25. I am basically being forced to look for brand new job. But it feels more like, this is the point where I NEED to start figuring my life out.
I am so confused right now, and I have so many questions to ask myself.
I really don't think I can just get another go-nowhere job just for the sake of having money. I'm pretty sure I am past that, at this point. That is what my job was supposed to be and I ended up becoming the manager and being there for over three years. Three fucking years. Flown by, nothing to show for it really, except for a little bit of managerial experience and a good reference from Jay.
Getting that letter is so much more than what it looks like on the surface. Getting that letter has caused me to really look at myself, and my life and evaluate it, and try to kick my whole existence into gear.
I'm scared.
First of all, obviously because of this shitty, depressing economy, it is going to be impossibly hard to try and find a job. But that isn't the thing that is pressing me right now. The thing that is killing me is that I have NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO or what my goals are in my life. Do I really even have any? Do I?
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just figure out what I'd like to do? I wish I knew, because if I did, I would throw myself into it and put my heart into it just to have a path. Right about now I feel like the world's most confused loser, and IT SUCKS. I feel so worthless, and I feel like I'm pretty much headed nowhere in life.
Do I even want to stay in London? I really don't have a reason to anymore. Dave explicitly told me tonight that he would go anywhere I want to go. Even Toronto. And so I'm thinking about my options, and what opportunities are out there.
Let me tell you a bit about London, Ontario.
London is a wasteland. It is overrun by annoying, self-important students because of UWO and Fanshawe. It is also noticeably overrun by meth addicts and junkies because the city counsel has let the downtown core dissipate and devolve into a disgusting barren wasteland with a meth clinic smack in the middle of it.
Every single creative person (almost) who lives/lived here up and moves away because anyone who stays here has basically two job options - a fucking call center or a retail job at one of the malls. London does not care about art or the creative people or keeping a good scene alive, and the people who DO care are basically beating a dead horse. It's so depressing because there are so many awesome people here who try so hard to keep some sort of cool art/music scene alive but it just seems so fruitless.
London is a city full of zombie drones, and I don't want to be a zombie anymore. I really do feel like this city is a succubus. Maybe it's stupid to blame a city for my or anyone else's problems and failures, but I have had that nagging feeling ever since I moved here.
I
just
HATE
London.
Maybe getting that letter is a sign. Maybe it's giving me the signal, the green fucking light, to grab Dave by the hand and run as far away from here as I possibly can.
I think I want to move to either Hamilton or Toronto.
I'd like to move back to Hamilton because: my mom (and my step-dad and my brother) lives 20 minutes away from there, I have a lot of awesome friends in Hamilton who I miss a lot, when my aunt and cousin come back home from Sault Ste. Marie to visit I'd only be 20 minutes away, when Jen comes home from Norway to visit I'd only be 20 minutes away, there is a budding new punk/hardcore scene there that is very intriguing and I'd love to get more involved in it, my friend Jenny who I've never been able to start a band with due to distance lives there so maybe we could FINALLY write some music together, and plus I just miss Hamilton. I really liked living in that city - I felt connected to it somehow. I don't know why.
I'd like to move to Toronto because: art, EVERYWHERE! I have a lot of friends there who I would love to see on a regular basis, the job opportunities are way more promising than they are here, the variety of people that I would see every day, music music music MUSIC everywherrrrre, I could probably find like 10 different bands to join as opposed to NONE here, etc.
The only - ONLY - downside to moving out of London is that I'd really, really miss my friends that live here or close to here. And of course, I'd miss Call the Office more than life. Man, that bar is going to be so fucking hard to part with once I finally leave this city. The comfort, the privileges we have there, the free booze, Tony... man. That's going to suck.
But, I guess there are cons to every decision, right?
The thing I am really, REALLY scared of about my life now, whether I move or not, is finding a job. Especially moving to a new city... I'm going to have to hook up some connections. Ugh. What a nightmare. The next couple of months are going to be so scary and rough.
What sucks is that, what I'd really like to do, truly, is go back to school. But I can't - or at least, I don't think I can - because I can't get OSAP anymore, and I have virtually no savings, plus, I don't know what the hell I would even DO in school! Not to mention how the hell would I even afford to live if I was in school? A part time job? Haha.
I am a very lost little girl who has no clue what she wants do with her life. BUT! After talking it out with Dave tonight, and mulling together thoughts I've had in the past few months, I've at least SORT OF narrowed some things down... here are the things that I like to do/could possibly consider doing as a career:
- obviously I like photography but I have kind of written that off as a career. I think I'd like to just keep photography as something I do on the side to make money. The photography profession is just so over-saturated - with mediocre photographers for the most part - that it makes me sick, and it has really turned me off on doing photography for a living.
- I have also always wanted to be a tattoo artist. I actually apprenticed under this guy for a little while back when I was 19 or 20, but that didn't last long because he was a creep. If I could find someone who wanted to take me under their wing, I would probably actually consider this option seriously again.
- I love writing, and I really love reading through things and making edits and corrections. I kind of wish I could be an editor of a magazine, or even a newspaper. Or a book editor!
- I have pondered getting into radio, behind the scenes, but I don't know how promising radio is these days?
- I always loved editing videos and stuff in highschool. Spending time in the editing booth was one of my favourite things to do. The only reason I didn't go into film editing/production when I went to college was because the course was full. And then I sort of forgot about it. :/
- I love working on computers, and I love paperwork. Yeah, dorky.
- I considered becoming an accountant for awhile, and I sometimes still think about it. But I'm not sure about it, because I feel like it would be way too repetitive.
- And then of course there is my love of music. Duh, everyone loves music, but I really love to be involved behind the scenes. Not like, production-wise, but as far as tours and booking goes. A booking agent, I guess? It'd be awesome being a booking agent for some cool bar. I think that is something I could potentially be really, really good at.
Ugh. See what I mean? I'm so confused, I don't know where to go from here. What is my next step? What do I do now?
Am I totally dysfunctional or is there hope for me? hah.
As much as I'm totally, absolutely, horribly petrified and nervous and worried right now, I'm also a little excited because deep under all this fire and brimstone I think I might see a tiny glimmer of hope. Or maybe that's just dust stuck to my eyeball.
Guys...
Am I going to be okay?
Today at work, I basically got an ultimatum-slash-letter of employment termination.
The jist of which is that because of our store's steady decline in sales this past year, and pretty much the company's lack of faith in my ability as a manager, I either have one month to turn the store around, or they are demoting me to Assistant Manager with a pay cut and hiring a new manager, and if I don't agree to those terms, I'm terminated.
I don't even want to get into the myriad problems with this whole accusational letter... I mean, they basically said right in there: "As a store manager you a required to generate ideas to get customers into the store," and they are saying, among other things, that I did not do this, and therefore my sales have been slipping a lot. UM? Seriously, I could write a fucking novel of all of the promotional ideas I gave my head office to get people into that store. And not ONCE did they look into any of them. I kept telling them that because of our location/competition/lack of advertising, that we NEEDED to advertise more and I gave them a TON of ideas for promotions within the community, and they were TOO CHEAP and stupid to even bother.
I am pretty infuriated by them accusing me of not bothering to try and increase sales. But this doesn't entirely surprise me. The fact is: I'm almost kind of glad? I have been looking for an excuse to get out of there, but I was so comfortable that I didn't want to bother. I was being lazy. I've been there for 3 years and basically got away with murder. So, while this comes as a slight shock - because of how harsh they were in giving me A MONTH to turn sales around; uh, hello? How about being realistic and working with me on a gradual 3 month plan, especially with the state of the economy the way that it is??? - it is also a blessing in disguise.
Or so I'm hoping.
(Ps. I'm also so OBVIOUSLY impressed that they put the decline of the store on MY SHOULDERS ALONE. Uh, okay. Don't factor in any of the many things my store has working against, such as the fact that the economy is bombing and we are located in the POOR END OF TOWN, and there is recent competition telling people that we are going out of business, the company has been doing virtually NO advertising in London while our competition is absolutely bombarding every media outlet with advertisements that are eerily similar to ours... but our bad sales are my fault, obviously. Oh yeah, that's pretty fair.)
There's SO much more I could say about this whole thing, but I just finished talking to Dave about it all and truthfully, I'm tired of talking about it because it's such a pile of horseshit.
There are more important things for me to worry about right now...
Having this happen to me today has made me think. And think and think and think. The thing is: I am 25. I am basically being forced to look for brand new job. But it feels more like, this is the point where I NEED to start figuring my life out.
I am so confused right now, and I have so many questions to ask myself.
I really don't think I can just get another go-nowhere job just for the sake of having money. I'm pretty sure I am past that, at this point. That is what my job was supposed to be and I ended up becoming the manager and being there for over three years. Three fucking years. Flown by, nothing to show for it really, except for a little bit of managerial experience and a good reference from Jay.
Getting that letter is so much more than what it looks like on the surface. Getting that letter has caused me to really look at myself, and my life and evaluate it, and try to kick my whole existence into gear.
I'm scared.
First of all, obviously because of this shitty, depressing economy, it is going to be impossibly hard to try and find a job. But that isn't the thing that is pressing me right now. The thing that is killing me is that I have NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO or what my goals are in my life. Do I really even have any? Do I?
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just figure out what I'd like to do? I wish I knew, because if I did, I would throw myself into it and put my heart into it just to have a path. Right about now I feel like the world's most confused loser, and IT SUCKS. I feel so worthless, and I feel like I'm pretty much headed nowhere in life.
Do I even want to stay in London? I really don't have a reason to anymore. Dave explicitly told me tonight that he would go anywhere I want to go. Even Toronto. And so I'm thinking about my options, and what opportunities are out there.
Let me tell you a bit about London, Ontario.
London is a wasteland. It is overrun by annoying, self-important students because of UWO and Fanshawe. It is also noticeably overrun by meth addicts and junkies because the city counsel has let the downtown core dissipate and devolve into a disgusting barren wasteland with a meth clinic smack in the middle of it.
Every single creative person (almost) who lives/lived here up and moves away because anyone who stays here has basically two job options - a fucking call center or a retail job at one of the malls. London does not care about art or the creative people or keeping a good scene alive, and the people who DO care are basically beating a dead horse. It's so depressing because there are so many awesome people here who try so hard to keep some sort of cool art/music scene alive but it just seems so fruitless.
London is a city full of zombie drones, and I don't want to be a zombie anymore. I really do feel like this city is a succubus. Maybe it's stupid to blame a city for my or anyone else's problems and failures, but I have had that nagging feeling ever since I moved here.
I
just
HATE
London.
Maybe getting that letter is a sign. Maybe it's giving me the signal, the green fucking light, to grab Dave by the hand and run as far away from here as I possibly can.
I think I want to move to either Hamilton or Toronto.
I'd like to move back to Hamilton because: my mom (and my step-dad and my brother) lives 20 minutes away from there, I have a lot of awesome friends in Hamilton who I miss a lot, when my aunt and cousin come back home from Sault Ste. Marie to visit I'd only be 20 minutes away, when Jen comes home from Norway to visit I'd only be 20 minutes away, there is a budding new punk/hardcore scene there that is very intriguing and I'd love to get more involved in it, my friend Jenny who I've never been able to start a band with due to distance lives there so maybe we could FINALLY write some music together, and plus I just miss Hamilton. I really liked living in that city - I felt connected to it somehow. I don't know why.
I'd like to move to Toronto because: art, EVERYWHERE! I have a lot of friends there who I would love to see on a regular basis, the job opportunities are way more promising than they are here, the variety of people that I would see every day, music music music MUSIC everywherrrrre, I could probably find like 10 different bands to join as opposed to NONE here, etc.
The only - ONLY - downside to moving out of London is that I'd really, really miss my friends that live here or close to here. And of course, I'd miss Call the Office more than life. Man, that bar is going to be so fucking hard to part with once I finally leave this city. The comfort, the privileges we have there, the free booze, Tony... man. That's going to suck.
But, I guess there are cons to every decision, right?
The thing I am really, REALLY scared of about my life now, whether I move or not, is finding a job. Especially moving to a new city... I'm going to have to hook up some connections. Ugh. What a nightmare. The next couple of months are going to be so scary and rough.
What sucks is that, what I'd really like to do, truly, is go back to school. But I can't - or at least, I don't think I can - because I can't get OSAP anymore, and I have virtually no savings, plus, I don't know what the hell I would even DO in school! Not to mention how the hell would I even afford to live if I was in school? A part time job? Haha.
I am a very lost little girl who has no clue what she wants do with her life. BUT! After talking it out with Dave tonight, and mulling together thoughts I've had in the past few months, I've at least SORT OF narrowed some things down... here are the things that I like to do/could possibly consider doing as a career:
- obviously I like photography but I have kind of written that off as a career. I think I'd like to just keep photography as something I do on the side to make money. The photography profession is just so over-saturated - with mediocre photographers for the most part - that it makes me sick, and it has really turned me off on doing photography for a living.
- I have also always wanted to be a tattoo artist. I actually apprenticed under this guy for a little while back when I was 19 or 20, but that didn't last long because he was a creep. If I could find someone who wanted to take me under their wing, I would probably actually consider this option seriously again.
- I love writing, and I really love reading through things and making edits and corrections. I kind of wish I could be an editor of a magazine, or even a newspaper. Or a book editor!
- I have pondered getting into radio, behind the scenes, but I don't know how promising radio is these days?
- I always loved editing videos and stuff in highschool. Spending time in the editing booth was one of my favourite things to do. The only reason I didn't go into film editing/production when I went to college was because the course was full. And then I sort of forgot about it. :/
- I love working on computers, and I love paperwork. Yeah, dorky.
- I considered becoming an accountant for awhile, and I sometimes still think about it. But I'm not sure about it, because I feel like it would be way too repetitive.
- And then of course there is my love of music. Duh, everyone loves music, but I really love to be involved behind the scenes. Not like, production-wise, but as far as tours and booking goes. A booking agent, I guess? It'd be awesome being a booking agent for some cool bar. I think that is something I could potentially be really, really good at.
Ugh. See what I mean? I'm so confused, I don't know where to go from here. What is my next step? What do I do now?
Am I totally dysfunctional or is there hope for me? hah.
As much as I'm totally, absolutely, horribly petrified and nervous and worried right now, I'm also a little excited because deep under all this fire and brimstone I think I might see a tiny glimmer of hope. Or maybe that's just dust stuck to my eyeball.
Guys...
Am I going to be okay?