life and its ever-present presence
Zoey brought in a cord to hook up our stereo at work to our ipods! Best thing ever. So I updated my ipod last night and put on some new stuff to listen to at work, including new EODM, new Ratatat, Vivian Girls, Chuck Berry, CSS, new Wolf Parade, Black Kids, Crystal Stilts, The Frogs, Lady GaGa (hahahahaha!), new Of Montreal, The Presets, The Sonics, The Turtles... Just fun stuff that I can dance around to while I work that will keep my feeling uplifted.
***
So, there have been a lot of important "life things" on my mind lately. Which is to say that I am going to be 25 in just over a month and for the first time in my relationship history, I am actually for real giving marriage and children some real thought and consideration. I've told three or four different guys in my life that I'd marry them "someday" but this is the first time I have actually been serious, and I have really been thinking hard about it. Clearly there were commitment issues in my past. I can admit that now. After Brandon ruined my heart, I was finding it impossible to even consider the idea of realistically being with anyone for more than a couple of years. I always secretly felt like there was something else out there. Not to mention my libido had a mind of its own. But now... I am in a relationship where I feel like marriage is a very real option. I take marriage extremely seriouslý. For me to marry someone, it would take A LOT of consideration and thought. I could never just marry someone willy-nilly on a whim. Divorce is pretty much not an option in my head. I hope to never be a "divorcee". I'm in no rush, never ever have been. It's such a scary, huge, serious commitment that, due to those prevalent commitment issues, I have have never been even close to being ready for. And it's not like all of a sudden I'm not scared anymore - I'm still scared. The thought of signing myself off to one person for the rest of my life is paralyzing and intense and it makes me feel a little weird because of how independent I am. But after Dave and I made it through my dreaded, fatal, relationship-ending "Two Year Make or Break" (sounds like a game show haha), I shook my head in disbelief and was like "okay... We got through some MAJOR emotional hurdles, and he made it past the two year guillotine point... This is something pretty different a pretty specal and I need to recognize that." This is something that I'm pretty confident has potential to last and make me happy for a long time.
So now that all of those thoughts have gone through my head and been processed, I'm at the point, for the first time ever, where I'm like "okay, I think I could really do this Marriage thing wit Dave." And it's CRAZY to me that I feel that way! Crazy in a good - but still nerve-wracking - way. It's... exciting.
I always knew, though. From the minute we met, I had this weird feeling and I knew deep down that he was the boy I'd been waiting for. It's like I saw my future, to put it in the most dorky way possible.
So...yeah. Basically I'm warming-up to the idea of being someone's "wife". It's a neat feeling.
Which brings me to the idea of children! oh dear god!
Okay, so ideally, yes, I've always "wanted" kids. Had this idea in my head that someday in the faraway future I'd have a couple of kids but I never really put a lot of thought into being a "mom". The age I always said I'd start trying was 28 or 29. Now that faraway future isn't so far away... Unless you consider 3 or 4 years "faraway", which I certainly don't. I'm like whoa... I'm looking at my life and thinking "so if I want kids at 28, I'll have to start getting my ducks in order soon or something, right?" Which scares me even more than marriage ever did! The fact that I'm at the age where the majority of people start to do these life-changing things like getting married/having kids/buying houses is just so fucking overwhelming and unbelievable! Am I really at that age already? I'm not ready yet! Sometimes I feel way too much like a teenager still to even think about those things in any sort of tangible, un-far fetched way. I have an "adult life" but I just feel way too self-absorbed to consider children. I know when you have kids it's supposed to be some big thing where it changes you and you all of a sudden focus on yourself less... But what if that doesn't happen to me? I still like to party a lot and I am IN LOVE with my freedom and independence, and I like to spend money on clothes and shoes when I want to and not have to consider anyone but myself in almost any decision that I make... And what if that never changes? I am pretty sure I want to have at least one kid, but I'm scared I'll never be ready. And I don't want to ever resent my children for changing my perfectly happy life...? Augh. I'm so scared of this stuff. Maybe I'm just so used to being the only person I have to worry about, but I kind of like it that way. I know it sounds self-absorbed but I am the one person whose company I never get sick of, I am the one person I know I'll always be able to trust no matter what, I am the most important person in my life for a lot of reasons, and I have always been here for me/always will be here for me when I need me. I am the one constant in my life, and when you bring other people into the mix, like children, all that changes and it gets risky. Plus, christ... Having a kid, YOU are responsible for how that kid's life turns out. I don't know how I feel about being so important in someone's life, about being responsible for another human being's entire existence. That is like, the SCARIEST shit I can think of! Oh my god. I don't even feel like I can get a handle on my OWN life, what would make me think I should be creating another one? Whoa man. The more I think about all of this, the more anxious I'm getting about it.
I guess no one is ever really prepared, but I just feel so UNprepared. Like, am I really going to feel much differently about this in 3-5 years? Then again, I guess 5 years ago I was a lot less mature than I am now, so...
That's what time and experience does to you.
Who knows why I'm even fretting about all of this. I guess as much as I try not to let my age or societal timelines hinder or influence me, it's really hard to avoid it all the time. The only pressure I'm really feeling as far as all this stuff goes is coming from me and my own subconsciously ingrained thoughts or whatever, but also, a lot of mý friends are married and many of them have children, and so it's sort of an unavoidable topic... What does this world want from me, what is my place in the world, what do I want out of my life, where is my plan... Ýou know, all of those fun questions. Yadda yadda yadda.
***
So, there have been a lot of important "life things" on my mind lately. Which is to say that I am going to be 25 in just over a month and for the first time in my relationship history, I am actually for real giving marriage and children some real thought and consideration. I've told three or four different guys in my life that I'd marry them "someday" but this is the first time I have actually been serious, and I have really been thinking hard about it. Clearly there were commitment issues in my past. I can admit that now. After Brandon ruined my heart, I was finding it impossible to even consider the idea of realistically being with anyone for more than a couple of years. I always secretly felt like there was something else out there. Not to mention my libido had a mind of its own. But now... I am in a relationship where I feel like marriage is a very real option. I take marriage extremely seriouslý. For me to marry someone, it would take A LOT of consideration and thought. I could never just marry someone willy-nilly on a whim. Divorce is pretty much not an option in my head. I hope to never be a "divorcee". I'm in no rush, never ever have been. It's such a scary, huge, serious commitment that, due to those prevalent commitment issues, I have have never been even close to being ready for. And it's not like all of a sudden I'm not scared anymore - I'm still scared. The thought of signing myself off to one person for the rest of my life is paralyzing and intense and it makes me feel a little weird because of how independent I am. But after Dave and I made it through my dreaded, fatal, relationship-ending "Two Year Make or Break" (sounds like a game show haha), I shook my head in disbelief and was like "okay... We got through some MAJOR emotional hurdles, and he made it past the two year guillotine point... This is something pretty different a pretty specal and I need to recognize that." This is something that I'm pretty confident has potential to last and make me happy for a long time.
So now that all of those thoughts have gone through my head and been processed, I'm at the point, for the first time ever, where I'm like "okay, I think I could really do this Marriage thing wit Dave." And it's CRAZY to me that I feel that way! Crazy in a good - but still nerve-wracking - way. It's... exciting.
I always knew, though. From the minute we met, I had this weird feeling and I knew deep down that he was the boy I'd been waiting for. It's like I saw my future, to put it in the most dorky way possible.
So...yeah. Basically I'm warming-up to the idea of being someone's "wife". It's a neat feeling.
Which brings me to the idea of children! oh dear god!
Okay, so ideally, yes, I've always "wanted" kids. Had this idea in my head that someday in the faraway future I'd have a couple of kids but I never really put a lot of thought into being a "mom". The age I always said I'd start trying was 28 or 29. Now that faraway future isn't so far away... Unless you consider 3 or 4 years "faraway", which I certainly don't. I'm like whoa... I'm looking at my life and thinking "so if I want kids at 28, I'll have to start getting my ducks in order soon or something, right?" Which scares me even more than marriage ever did! The fact that I'm at the age where the majority of people start to do these life-changing things like getting married/having kids/buying houses is just so fucking overwhelming and unbelievable! Am I really at that age already? I'm not ready yet! Sometimes I feel way too much like a teenager still to even think about those things in any sort of tangible, un-far fetched way. I have an "adult life" but I just feel way too self-absorbed to consider children. I know when you have kids it's supposed to be some big thing where it changes you and you all of a sudden focus on yourself less... But what if that doesn't happen to me? I still like to party a lot and I am IN LOVE with my freedom and independence, and I like to spend money on clothes and shoes when I want to and not have to consider anyone but myself in almost any decision that I make... And what if that never changes? I am pretty sure I want to have at least one kid, but I'm scared I'll never be ready. And I don't want to ever resent my children for changing my perfectly happy life...? Augh. I'm so scared of this stuff. Maybe I'm just so used to being the only person I have to worry about, but I kind of like it that way. I know it sounds self-absorbed but I am the one person whose company I never get sick of, I am the one person I know I'll always be able to trust no matter what, I am the most important person in my life for a lot of reasons, and I have always been here for me/always will be here for me when I need me. I am the one constant in my life, and when you bring other people into the mix, like children, all that changes and it gets risky. Plus, christ... Having a kid, YOU are responsible for how that kid's life turns out. I don't know how I feel about being so important in someone's life, about being responsible for another human being's entire existence. That is like, the SCARIEST shit I can think of! Oh my god. I don't even feel like I can get a handle on my OWN life, what would make me think I should be creating another one? Whoa man. The more I think about all of this, the more anxious I'm getting about it.
I guess no one is ever really prepared, but I just feel so UNprepared. Like, am I really going to feel much differently about this in 3-5 years? Then again, I guess 5 years ago I was a lot less mature than I am now, so...
That's what time and experience does to you.
Who knows why I'm even fretting about all of this. I guess as much as I try not to let my age or societal timelines hinder or influence me, it's really hard to avoid it all the time. The only pressure I'm really feeling as far as all this stuff goes is coming from me and my own subconsciously ingrained thoughts or whatever, but also, a lot of mý friends are married and many of them have children, and so it's sort of an unavoidable topic... What does this world want from me, what is my place in the world, what do I want out of my life, where is my plan... Ýou know, all of those fun questions. Yadda yadda yadda.