Home
I'm homeless.
I am laying on my back, on the cozy king-sized bed. Thick blanket covers perfectly around my frail body. The light is turned off; what a perfect climate to sleep.
Yet, I'm homeless.
My system is refusing to sleep, at the same time my gut is rocking. I decide to slip down to the kitchen, eating some light supper.
Still, I'm homeless.
My eyes are fully open, not wanting to be closed. I enjoy my supper while watching a late night talkshow. It's Live on Letterman. I liked watching it back then, laughing randomly at David Letterman even though he did the talkshow perfectly. Suddenly, the memory hit me. The memory; who I liked to laugh at Mr. Letterman with. Who accompanied me while watching the late night show. Who made me supper when hunger attacked me in the middle of the night. Who was my perfect blanket ever.
I'm homeless.
My body starts shaking at the fact that actually I'm homeless. Though that I live in a pretty, comfy house; in the situation that I would never be left hungry. But I don't feel safe. I don't get any comfort. How could I relax? I can't be myself anymore; I am overwhelmed by shame.
Because I'm homeless.
Have you ever though that your home was leaving you away?
*****
I stirred my body in the sleep. I threw my arm aside, but what I found was empty space.
"Dominic?" I called him. No responses.
I saw the door slightly ajar. Maybe he's outside, I though. I released myself from the cover, walking out of the bedroom. I walked downstairs.
Still no signs of life. But I could hear movements - from the front door.
Is that him?
I ran quietly, aiming the front door. All I found was him, holding the door knob in his right hand and holding a suitcase in the left.
"Where are you going this late night??" I asked worryingly.
He showed a sad smile. "I have to go, Bells."
"In the middle fucking night? Are you nut?" I said.
"You don't need me anymore, Matthew." He said, still smiling.
I gasped at his statement. His suitcase...
"Why don't I? I always need you! See? How worry I am when you're not by my side in the creepy night? I need you, and I still!"
He released his right hand and put down his suitcase. He walked approaching me, cupping my face carefully to meet me eye-to-eye.
"Lately I never felt your pouring love to me, Matthew. Why are you changing? You begged me to hold you until you calm when you felt vulnerable. Then, you feel okay. Bang, you left me. Why, Matthew? Why?"
"I'm not that bad. If you need me to hold you, why don't you ask me?"
He shook his head. "I can deal it by myself. But you only looked for me if you really need me, physically need me. I wonder did you really need my love?"
"I do, Dominic. I need your love."
"You never change, Matthew. I didn't need your comfort, I need your love."
He still smiled, but there was something missing. His sparkle, when he smiled to me. It was missing, for oh so long time. How couldn't I notice my most favorite sparkle in the world?
"Don't go." I whispered. "If you need more love from me, please stay."
Again, he shook his head. "I think the time has come."
"Come to what?"
"For us to move forward; turn over a new leaf."
His forehead was sticking to mine. He never left my eyes during his speech, but I could see from his hazel eyes; he was hurt.
He's hurt because of me.
"I can't be with you anymore, Matthew." he continued his speech. "I though you were the love of my life. It's true, but I can't have you anymore."
A tear escaped from the corner of his left eye. I hovered my lips to kiss it away, but his finger came faster.
"I hope you can find someone who deserves you better. If one of us should be all alone, it must be me."
Tears flew freely on my face. He grabbed back his suitcase, heading to the door.
"Dominic!" I clenched his wrist. "I love you. Always."
He turned his head, showing me that pathetic smile I really hated. "Loving each other couldn't help us, Matthew."
Now he was completely outside, ready to close the door. "I love you, Matthew. Forever."
The door closed, watching my body whimpered because of uncontrollably sobs.
He was my home.
*****
Weeks after his departure, I can barely sleep. I watch myself from the mirror.
My pale face is getting paler. Ugly eyebag is formed below my eyes. My eyes seem swollen because of spending most days crying. I can see wet trail on my cheekbones. My lips.... it wants to be kissed by its favorite full lips. My bony body gets skinnier; I could barely eat.
Have I done something stupid?
Of course, silly.
I realised everything. I always shouted his name when I needed him so bad, right after I left him. I never saw him in pathetic state, or it was me who couldn't deal with his sadness.
I've been too selfish, so I forget how to love someone. How could I forget? I doubt if I can move on from him.
Moved out from your home is not as bad as your home leaving you because it thinks it can't make you feel home anymore. Just to have his arms around me, I am belonged to my home; my real home.
Sighing, I walk to the bedroom window, watching the view below my bedroom. It's Sunday, so there is many people. Happy little family, loving couple. I sigh at the couple view.
Do I love him? Am I his lover? His proper lover?
I see a couple of men walking past. They are holding hand, like they never want to let go each other. They are blond and brunet....
I think I recognize the blond.
It's him.
It is him, walking along with someone else, seems happy and loved. How long since I see him in that state because of me?
Just walk past. Don't stay there.
Damn, they stay right below my window. Facing each other, holding each other's hands.
Suddenly I lose my balance. I grab the wood so I can keep standing. Tears threatening to escape - why not?
"I hope you can find someone who deserves you better. If one of us should be all alone, it must be me."
He hoped that I could find someone new, and he deserved the loneliness, but everything happens vice versa.
He finds someone that bring a life back to him, but instead I am the one who stay lonely and suffering.
And the sparkle. My favorite sparkle in the world, is returned. But I hate it now. Because it's not me who returned his sparkle in his eyes.
Now I am crying so hard.
They cup each other's face, nose to nose. But I know that he knows where they are standing. He looks up directly to my window, giving me sad daze.
He mouths 'I love you', that can only increase my tears. Then he brings back his new lover, approaching his face.
Mean. Liar.
As they lips place so close, I pull the curtain and turn around, falling down. I bet my tears could drown my house.
Let me go home. Let me get my home back.