mmm ...
So confusion is my natural state of existence. I know that I ask too much of myself, but I'm beginning to realize that I do the same for the important people in my life. People leave, they change, they die; these are the facts of life. "Just the facts ..." I expect to not always be a secondary priority. I expect that sometimes when I need someone to just be there for something that I can't talk about, people in my life will understand and just be there. Most of the people I come into daily contact with have heard that something's going on, but I can't say it out loud. I can't breathe the words into existence, because I promised ... because it would break her not to have one person to trust absolutely. I will be that anchor if it poisons me from the inside out, because no child should experience that. No person capable of reason should be a monster. This world is not one of shoulds, unfortunately, and so I lie awake at night without even the deathly still of sleep to bring me peace. It's funny how he knew to ask about the reason, that he knew I needed someone's prayer and kind thoughts for her. I would give anything in the world to have been the one instead, but I can't take it from her. I can't even be there from this far away; I can but listen and advise. And I'll be honest, sometimes I need to be able to talk about this if just in vague terms to a friend, but friends ... mostly like the easy words. The ones that don't rise from the earth and bite bitterly through your skin. I ... I'm not the easy words. I threaten, I cajole, I pardon, and I purify in my way. So why do I feel so alone? Because I am surrounded by light and tamed hearts? Just some words ... more words ... that do what they will, from my mind to your blank space.