So, H left for Spain
I saw him this past weekend. He dropped Tessa off at Kerstin's, and the first thing I said to Tessa as she got out of the car was, "Omigod, you're brother is so cute...", which is pretty pathetic considering I hadn't seen her in 4 months. But I hadn't seen him either! So then, he gives Kerstin and I a ride home that night. He walks up to the cinema and sits there waiting, so Kerstin and I walk up to him... it was a bit akward, but we eased into a hug and he asked how I was doing, I returned the question, made a lame comment about my height and so on. In the car, I rode in the front seat, and had my phone not been dead, I would have recieved Tessa's message, which said, "The way you look at him. Wow." Yeah, guess I didn't realize. So as I got out of the car, he stated with excitement that he was leaving for Spain in a few days, meanwhile I debated in my head whether or not I should give him a hug. I didn't; a "thumbs-up" made its way out faster. I was nervous! It was odd. I shouldn't have been, but I guess it was just like... I don't know, falling in love all over again. That just sort of came out without me thinking, so it must be accurate. But anyway, I just felt the way I did the first night that I met him, last year when Tessa and I came back to her house after the Canyon game and he was sitting there with his shirt off at the computer looking rather attractive. The only difference is that back then I wasn't nervous, I was eager to meet him and couldn't control my quirky questions to save my life. Not to say that's a bad thing; I think I happen to be quite nice when first meeting people, and my outgoing personality puts the ice at ease. That night I called Tessa and she mentioned the way I look at him, stating that he looked at me the same so I shouldn't worry about looking stupid. She said he stole glances out of the corner of his eye; I said I didn't cause I was too busy staring out the window. She also said he was nervous because he kept humming incessantly, and he kept tapping the wheel, which he never does while driving. I wouldn't know whether to agree or disagree. What I do know is that he looked different, in a good way. Very cute indeed, in his little hat and black shirt with his blue jeans. Do I sound like a stalker? She discussed with me how he told her he gets bored of girls easily, hence the lack of a girlfriend; lots of girls, instead. She told me she believes I'm perfect for him, as do I. Now's not the time though; I don't want a boyfriend, and clearly, he doesn't want a girlfriend, or at least not anything serious. He's in Spain, anyway. It just amazes me how no matter what, our paths always seem to cross, and when they do, it's never far from great. Makes me wonder if he's gonna be in my life forever? He could be, if I wanted him to. There's a reason for everything.
Sunday evening we met again. I spent the night at Tessa's, and he was going to get us In-n-Out until it was closed when he got there. So I lay awake with my body oddly contorted over Tessa's comatose-stricken body until 3am when I finally fell asleep. I called him Monday around noon to tell him to have fun in Spain, as if he needed to hear it from me. Either way, he didn't answer, so I sent a text stating what I was going to say in my call, to which he also did not answer. I've been praying for him daily, so he better be living it up over there. Lucky bitch.
Last night, I decided I really missed him, and began feeling empty. It reminded me of the epiphany I had on Tessa's roof Sunday night, when I realized that although I am in love with Hunter, it's time for me to quit lusting after the fulfillment he provides me with, because it's not right. The fact I'm missing a piece of me has nothing to do with him; it has to do with my father. And due to the fact he filled, or I thought he filled, the void my father left, I couldn't get enough of him and the high set off by him. Finally, it's plain to see that he's not my dad, and nobody can fill his void. It's nobody's job to make me feel beautiful, because I should always feel beautiful. And I believed I was until Hunter came along, at which time I felt immaculate, obviously because I was never beautiful in the first place. I was merely masking my discontent. Either way, it made me excited to get my shit together. It's for the best that he's gone, because by the time he gets back, hopefully I'll have a clear concious. I finally understood why we didn't work out; it really wasn't the time, because I wanted him for the wrong reasons. As of late, I don't WANT him, persay, but my love for him continues to thrive. Although that's just something I can't avoid. I wish I could remember what I sent him in that text back in June.
Overall, the weekend was one of the best. I basically spent the whole time at Kerstin's, aside from Sunday night at Tessa's. I really, really missed Kerstin. She made my first weekend off grounding absolutely fabulous. So chill, I am indeed lucky to have a down ass bitch like her in my life... hahaha. I love her. She loves me. Some things just never change.
I need to get to work on the book for my dad. October...5th? I will say is the deadline.
Drama is going to be putting on a production of The Crucible, for which I am excited. I love theater, its a new found love. I'm auditioning for the part of Abigail. I want to play a bitch, and she's as rotten as they come. I'm pretty sure I have a good chance, since my acting chops are not too bad according to the people.
Canyon game with Kerstin tomorrow, I think. She has it in for Michael Olivier... Hunter's best friend. Ahahahah what do you know. Funny how shit works out. Luckily, I think he may be diggin her? Or he just wants to get some. Bad as it sounds, I think it's the latter, at least for now. I don't blame him, we can't all be as lucky as I to be able to hit that piece every night, free of charge. Hahaha once again, some things never change. Love that chickie, she's bomb.
I think I'm going to Santa Barbara for college. I'd love to go to Oxford in London, but we'll see. I didn't want to stay in CA, but I don't know if I can leave the beach. And SB is chill; San Diego=too much partying, Malibu=too many rich bitches. If it is SB, Kerstin and I will be together, and you know thats means for an amazing college experience. Except she's going to JC, while I'm going to University. Either way we are living together, and it's going to be a non-stop party. As we dance around in our underwear. Every night.
I'm contemplating graduating a semester early. That would be good because for that semester, I could just take it easy and chill with the buds and studs, then travel around Europe, then just come back and go to college in the fall. High school's going by so fast, thank god. We'll see.
Lord, bless Hunter in Spain. Keep him safe, happy, and healthy. I pray he's livin it up well, and taking good care. In Jesus' name, Amen.
See, what did I tell you?? Just can't help it.
Goodnight.