Yoooooo
I'm not really happy with my body. I was fine for a while, but now I'm just not. I think the devil's trying to get to me with all this shit that's been recently thrown into my head. Out of curiosity, I looked up eating disorders and came across this intense pro-anorexia website. This site... was crazy. The way these women and girls think makes my bones quiver. It's so saddening, they have all sorts of songs and chants that they keep in mind, constantly stating that food is evil and they are almost down to the 65-pound-mark. Anyway, I want to see what I can do in a month. I can't believe how much weight I gained... 129 pounds at my peak. That's heavy. Luckily I've lost 7 pounds and I'm down to 122. It's weird how puberty happens, because I gained that weight within the course of a month with no abnormal eating habits, and have already lost some of it about a month later with no effort. I've been exercising, but not rigorously, and no diet or anything like that; just exercising because I like to, it feels good. But I still have a ways to go before I'm back to normal. 110. Wow, I can't believe how much I gained. Insane. Well, I plan on stepping it up and exercising so I can have a hot bod and lose 12 pounds. That seems like a lot of weight. I want to lose it healthily, though. It's a good thing I love fruits and vegetables. And, I think I'm growing. I'm 5' 5 1/2", so hopefully over summer I can get up to at least 5'7, or maybe even 5'8! That would be awesome. That's also another reason I'm not down for unhealthy crash dieting and shit; I don't want to malnourish my body because I want to make sure I have the proper nutrients I need to GROW!
In other news, summer is almost here! I haven't been to church much lately. I've just been sick of large crowds of people, and not very social, which isn't anything new, but I just wish I could praise God by myself or maybe even with just 2 or 3 other people, instead of 50. I guess that is what prayer's for, but praise and worship is a lot different. I think I just need to get over it and get my ass to church, because God is what matters, not the people. I think it's also out of avoiding Tyler, though, because although it sounds horrible, I get so sick of him. I hate having an intensely emotional relationship with him. He just gets so dramatic and I end up getting annoyed. This is why I love journals, because I could explain that to countless people, but they are all too egotistical and emotional to understand. I also get sick of the youth group because frankly, sometimes it just sucks. I get so sick of all the kids in it since we never have any new ones. 90% of the time I don't learn anything because everyone is so damn immature and can never shut up or quit their smart ass remarks. I hate kids my age.
This is finals week, and school is out on Friday. I'm so happy! I love learning, it's just the environment of school that ruins it for me. I hate it, not to mention the fact my schooling is happening in Santa Clarita. Mom says we might be able to move near the beach, most likely Santa Monica, but no plans are set in stone becuase it would require an occupation transition and maybe even leaving the company she's working for now, which I don't want her to do becuase she is stable and very happy with them. My birthday is 9 days away (turning 15), and hopefully I'll be getting a new surfboard!!! That would be beyond chill, even if it was the only thing that I got. Clothes are nice, but it's summer, and all I truly need is a bikini, surfboard, and chill music. Music! Loni and I are meeting our beloved AFI on Monday at Tower Records on Sunset @ Midnight!!!! I must admit, what I've heard of the new material so far is a tad disappointing, but I've loved them for so long, nothing can shake my devotion. All I know is that I'm excited for this summer and what's to come.