I have a long road ahead of me. And I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Nobody on this earth was made the same. To be ignorant enough to think that just because something doesn't affect you personally won't affect someone else is naive and inconsiderate. It makes no sense to state that you care about someone and then not even give them the time of day to explain themselves. You can't lie and say their problems aren't your problems and just dismiss them like you don't care. In friendships like these that are skin deep, our problems flow through each other's blood. If you can say seeing me sad gets you down too and that you are only happy when i am, then how can you say that if someone was being of burden to me and the problem was bigger than I could handle that you wouldn't rush in to give the trouble maker a piece of your mind? Humans may act inconsiderate, ignorant, insensitive, and naive, but that's what it all is-an act. If people were to look deep enough inside each other and try to understand one another better, things wouldn't be this way. Friendships aren't called friendship when one person can't stay on the line to just listen even though the other half of the line is going ballistic. Humans get angry, but we're also capable of controlling that anger and turning it into understanding, especially in circumstances concerning the ones we love. But obviously you can't do that. I've always known you were far from human, but also far from God, yet still something so extraordinary. I've always tried to figure out what that extraordinary thing was. And I used to think it was an Angel... but Tyrants don't have wings.
You know it's funny how things change as I grow. With more age I gain better understanding and wisdom of things. But I also gain great disappointment. People I had always thought were amazing just seem not to phase me anymore. As I grow older, it seems as if my personality becomes more and more immaculate compared to other's, as if it's getting harder and harder to find people who are good enough for me, people I can learn something from. I outgrow people as if they were jeans from 3 years ago; but they are also only the ones that have affected me greatly. It's as if sooner or later, I'm always going to have to let them go, the great ones. Yet I still end up holding on to those of less fortune, those who I learn nothing from, but know I still have many things to teach. Maybe that's the way it is with the amazing ones, the ones I believe I've outgrown. Perhaps they think that they're holding on to me, although I am of no benefit to them. But it can't be that way, because by that time I'm stronger than they are, I'm higher up on the food chain. I could eat them alive then spit them back out, and have enough eloquence to make them feel inferior to me. And I'm not proud of this. Maybe it's bringing me one step closer to God every day, I don't know, but it makes me leave those who I love behind. I don't know if it's the fact that many of the people I've past admired were not the greatest influences, and actually I've just realized it's not that at all; the more I get to know people, the more I can see inside them. I see that on the exterior they have a few things that could be of value to me, but it's all just soft soil. Once I dig deep enough and hit the rock hard ground, I need to drill to find out more. It seems as like it's so dry that it can't hold anything valuable, that it's all just worthless dust. But no, I'll have to keep digging, and I'll have to look between the cracks to find ways to remove more of the hard compacted dirt. Then past that rock it's soft again, and I can pick up more valuable information just because it's easy to find. But after a while it's all that's left-more and more of the same things, over and over again. So I'm digging more and more for what seems like forever, and finally, I find myself bathing in water. I've finally gotten to the destination of where I finally need to be, the one place that's in harmony with me. All that work has finally paid off, because I can live in peace and I'm rewarded with one big great crystal clearness state of understanding. This analogy may seem weird, but it's made me realize something: I cannot give up. No matter how hard it may be to persevere, I NEED TO KEEP GOING. If I end up giving up, I'm giving up on what's ahead, and I may not be able to see it now because I'm incapable of seeing into the future, but when the time comes and I'm not there to discover what I was supposed to, I'll have let so much slip away. And I don't want that, I don't want that at all. It's not my true Destiny, it's not what I had started at the bottom for. I need to remember that the top of the mountain may seem far away, but once I get up there there's always something better, whether it be satisfaction or reward of praise and better things. So don't give up, on anything, ever. It's easy to say, easy to hear... but to be done, it takes a lot. It may even seem as though it drains you completely. And maybe it does. But only in time for you to refuel with even Premium gas, instead of the Regular that you started with.
Wow. It's amazing how I come to realize things. Prayer is amazing. God is amazing. He's wonderful. He always gives you what you ask for... it's great. It gives me a sense of relief and satisfaction like no other. This update tonight was nice. And for now, whether if it's only for this minute or the rest of the day, right now, everything is okay. It doesn't seem that way... it really is. Yes, my world may shake sometime again soon. But I wouldn't trade this time right now for anything in the world.... but what am I saying, it's not okay. I'm not okay. I can't be okay when he's not okay. I've done something... I've shaken him. That's not okay. I'M NOT OKAY. I need to set things straight. Yes, as I said, things would shake sometime again soon. And that time is now. Wow. I need to think. But all I know is I love who I am. I have a confidence that can never be rained on, and I hold my head up high with pride. I always will. There's not reason for me not to. I am extraordinary, and I know it, too. Life is wonderful. And I hate the saying "Nobody ever said life would be easy." Who ever was to say life would be anything BUT life? Life is LIFE. You can't categorize it as easy, difficult, depressing, etc. Because life is just life, nothing in between. Things are constantly changing in it, and it will never be the same. Whether your problems are big or small, life will never be hard or easy. It will just be life.