the very cage I have put myself in...
Here I sit sleepless, loosing myself to my music.
Endless hours of watching an anime that I can't quite explain...
But I feel connected to the main character.
The anime speaks of attuning one's self, in order to bring the world an unearthly clarity.
Towards the end, the main character realizes he has been hiding
He has been so blind trying to protect those he love, only to overlook the very feelings they have all had for him.
Feelings that they could not express as he continually time and time again found himself trapt in depression.
He was lost in a world made just for him, but yet a world he could not accept.
He fought through the whole series, trying to find out who he truely was.
Between being rejected by a whole world, and lost in the other.
And then, I look at myself.
I'm trapt in a world of my own making.
Brought up in one of two worlds, one of silence one of retribution and anger.
It was either my mothers explosions, or my fathers silence.
I was always overprotected, brought up in a world where my mother tried to protect me from everything.
A world that I harbored.
As I continue living in this world, I think to myself of how unfair it is.
I continually find myself trying to re-assemble a cage that I have put up to protect myself.
Now, I find myself chained and held against my very own mind.
So many feelings, so much chaos.
yet, here I sit feeling slugish, walking through a mist that I feel was put up by a power beyond me.
When in fact I am the very thing that has constructed my world as such.
A human can only live a life and experience it through a mentality of their own construction.
It is what makes us all unique, the fact that we all construct our world around a set of rules of our own making.
As such, we have no control over other's feelings, but we have the control it takes to change how we percieve them.
Yes, I am different.
Yes, I have a mental disability in which there is no cure.
Yes, this will strain any relationship I will have from now to the end of time.
So what am I to do?
I am to look at my life and accept it for what it is.
I need to find the truth of how this will hamper my life, and accept it.
I love computers
I love companionship
I love human interaction
And most of all, I love getting lost in the rhythm that is life, music, and soul.
Will it be easy?
No... because nothing in life is easy.
There is no such thing as the right to happiness, but man kind has been granted the right to the pursuit of happiness.
It is this pursuit that I must find the courage and dignity in order to accomplish.
It will be during this time that I will find my true friends, the ones who can accept me for who I am.
I won't lie, as I am scared
I am lost
And I feel so lonely as I look upon the world to come.
There are going to be a lot of changes in this upcoming life, and unlike my cartoon fantasy, I don't have someone waiting for me, calling to me.
I have to come to accept this, and move on with my life.
My time for love and compasion will come in due time, till then I have to look at my life and assemble a new mentality.
A mentality that will help me to manage this disability, this illness.
And hopefully, it will help any future family I may make, as there is no doubt in my mind that my burdens will also be the burdens of my loved ones.
Yes, its isn't fair, but I have to accept my life for what it is.
I can't rely on my parents, I can't rely on my friends or family, this is something I have to do alone...
And it is that very loneliness that I fear, that I'm scared to face.
With tears I bid you all my best wishes and hope the best for you all in your lives.
With tears of love and hope,
- Darkstal
P.S. For those interested in the one anime that I've come to dub as my favorite anime of all time, you can find information @ http://www.neo-rahxephon.com/ I just find it so overwhelmingly close to home, and have found a lot of my motivation from this anime as well. I have the entire collection on DVD and if anybody wants to watch it with me please let me know! I just love to share ;]
Endless hours of watching an anime that I can't quite explain...
But I feel connected to the main character.
The anime speaks of attuning one's self, in order to bring the world an unearthly clarity.
Towards the end, the main character realizes he has been hiding
He has been so blind trying to protect those he love, only to overlook the very feelings they have all had for him.
Feelings that they could not express as he continually time and time again found himself trapt in depression.
He was lost in a world made just for him, but yet a world he could not accept.
He fought through the whole series, trying to find out who he truely was.
Between being rejected by a whole world, and lost in the other.
And then, I look at myself.
I'm trapt in a world of my own making.
Brought up in one of two worlds, one of silence one of retribution and anger.
It was either my mothers explosions, or my fathers silence.
I was always overprotected, brought up in a world where my mother tried to protect me from everything.
A world that I harbored.
As I continue living in this world, I think to myself of how unfair it is.
I continually find myself trying to re-assemble a cage that I have put up to protect myself.
Now, I find myself chained and held against my very own mind.
So many feelings, so much chaos.
yet, here I sit feeling slugish, walking through a mist that I feel was put up by a power beyond me.
When in fact I am the very thing that has constructed my world as such.
A human can only live a life and experience it through a mentality of their own construction.
It is what makes us all unique, the fact that we all construct our world around a set of rules of our own making.
As such, we have no control over other's feelings, but we have the control it takes to change how we percieve them.
Yes, I am different.
Yes, I have a mental disability in which there is no cure.
Yes, this will strain any relationship I will have from now to the end of time.
So what am I to do?
I am to look at my life and accept it for what it is.
I need to find the truth of how this will hamper my life, and accept it.
I love computers
I love companionship
I love human interaction
And most of all, I love getting lost in the rhythm that is life, music, and soul.
Will it be easy?
No... because nothing in life is easy.
There is no such thing as the right to happiness, but man kind has been granted the right to the pursuit of happiness.
It is this pursuit that I must find the courage and dignity in order to accomplish.
It will be during this time that I will find my true friends, the ones who can accept me for who I am.
I won't lie, as I am scared
I am lost
And I feel so lonely as I look upon the world to come.
There are going to be a lot of changes in this upcoming life, and unlike my cartoon fantasy, I don't have someone waiting for me, calling to me.
I have to come to accept this, and move on with my life.
My time for love and compasion will come in due time, till then I have to look at my life and assemble a new mentality.
A mentality that will help me to manage this disability, this illness.
And hopefully, it will help any future family I may make, as there is no doubt in my mind that my burdens will also be the burdens of my loved ones.
Yes, its isn't fair, but I have to accept my life for what it is.
I can't rely on my parents, I can't rely on my friends or family, this is something I have to do alone...
And it is that very loneliness that I fear, that I'm scared to face.
With tears I bid you all my best wishes and hope the best for you all in your lives.
With tears of love and hope,
- Darkstal
P.S. For those interested in the one anime that I've come to dub as my favorite anime of all time, you can find information @ http://www.neo-rahxephon.com/ I just find it so overwhelmingly close to home, and have found a lot of my motivation from this anime as well. I have the entire collection on DVD and if anybody wants to watch it with me please let me know! I just love to share ;]