stream of consciousness
Im sick of moaning on facebook about how miserable i am and im sure that, despite them never saying it, people are getting sick of seeing it. Im sick of feeling like some kind of pathetic attention whore who doesnt appreciate the support that everyone offers. Ill admit, i AM an attention whore but not 100% of the time and definitely not when im feeling down. So Im going to blow off steam in here. hopefully, after fiddling with my friendslist this'll just be for me but its been so long since i used LJ I dont even remember the finer points of it. Im just going to put everything thats on my mind so I have some kind of record of my thoughts, no reall coordination just as i think it, i rant it.
I dont think its fair that at the age of 24 i should be looking back on my life with such regret at not having done anything. Its unfair to suddenly develop a sense of responsibility and the need to have accomplished something with myself when the chance has pretty much gone. I miss the old night team at wilkos. It hit me last night and damn it all if i didnt tear up a bit at the thought that, all the interesting people, the ones i can hold a conversation with without it feeling forced are only there temporarily. A friend there, one of my supervisors when he still worked there, told me, as he knew of my disdain for working there, that it wasnt my final destination, just a halfway point, or something along those lines. I remember not paying into his leaving because i felt he was getting enough of a gift to be able to not only leave wilkos but become a teacher.
Now onto the meat of why ive been pretty miserable: Connor and Rachel. Now my main problem is, Ive pretty much forgotten them as people. Ive moved on from them, when i think back on the year, i barely even see thier faces. Noone has ever fucked my head up as badly as they did, the only time in my life ive BEEN this messed up was after the fire, though to be honest that still ranks as worse but the C+R issue has distracted me. But thats the problem there, i cant stop thinking back on it. Every single day i find myself thinking of them. So many wonderful things happened, the cons, the expos, just general hanging out, and EVERYTHING sets me off thinking about them. it wavers between misery at thinking about not getting to hang out with them and rage at the way they were both lying to my face, treating me like a sap. Nothing annoys me more than bieng treated like an idiot, because, quite frankly, im not one. But the combination of it all and work leaves me miserable. but what bothers me is how i waver. it affects my performance at work, negatively and i cant help feeling something is going to come to a head. On worse days, i find myself literally trudging through the aisles, the monotony of the job drilling into me. it was worse last night since the music went off and my phone died just short of dinner. So i was alone with my thoughts in total silence. thoughts which of course were focused on the whole horrible affair.
I need kita to go well but there are so many things that could go wrong. if i go the whole weekend without seeing them id die happy. Literally, I could call it a day there and then but lets be realistic. its a little con. I dont want my friends to have to pick, i may have asked it in the past but that was only out of a moment of malice, when the hate was running particularly high. To be honest, Id never do or say anything to them, its not worth me jeapoardising myself for them. That doesnt stop me wishing every negative thing possible under the sun upon them. I believe in kharma, or rather the belief that if you wish negative things on people, they'll just happen twicefold to you but to be honest, id be ready to see what the world can whip up. But the worst thing is, i know they wont. theyre so reclusive, the world cant get its claws into them the way it has me. Theyre safe in their little world supported by thier mummies. Fair enough for them if thats all thier pride allows them. But I wish I could stop thinking about them. Its like ive got myself hostage, tied to a chair watching a slideshow of everything cool we did as mates, or in rachels case, pretty much every moment we were together. It irritates me more because my friends give me great advice, tell me over and over again to forget them, and while im making progress, its just that everything reminds me of them. I had planned to wipe my facebook photos of them but theyre so deeply ingrained id be losing entire events worth, and a lot of good pics with my other friends. Ive settled for just blocking them on facebook. But the facebook issue comes up again because its the way i interact with most of my mates...if thier opinion of me hasnt changed through all this id consider myself a blessed man.
Back in the day, i remember when nothing got me down. people would come to ME to be cheered up. Back when i was DSW and not Viewtiful D, things were so much easier, and i was a damn sight happier. i would draw and write and nothing bothered me. but nowadays, im jsut a miserable bastard, experiencing the very emotions i used to think were overdramatic. And that annoys me more. As a result of the breakup a lot of people turned on the pair of them but i didnt instigate it. A lot of them were putting up with them because i was mates with/dating them it seems, i myself was greatly surprised at just how many people said "yeah we didnt like them", so many so it probably would have upset me had i known while we were involved. Im dreading kita. I for one plan to ignore/avoid them. but if connor gets drunk and tries to get it on at me, i seriously doubt id be able to stop myself. Its not enough that they pretty much fucked me over behind my back and treated me like an idiot, if he tries rubbing it in my face, ill probably not react favorably. And I really want kita to go well, im looking forward to it so godamn much. It irritates me further because im not friendless, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have joe, iain, kim, alex, kelly, ty, all of EMAG basically, who i can meet up with but when im at work obsessing i feel like im all alone. i think its because of the frequency id meet up with connor, two to three times a week sometimes. Which brings me on to the fact that EMAG may be no more. If EMAG goes down, im renouncing the name Viewtiful D, im going back to bieng DSW. I made the name up to join EMAG to begin with and since having my haircut barely anyone recognises me. The haircut a result of the breakup, i figure if i have it cut, less chance of them recognising me, though thanks to the miracle of facebook and some cockend toerag who sees fit to tell them everything i do on my FB, they most likely know. oh well, im good at ignoring people.
Fed up by my workmates, bunch of boring bastards they are. I miss the old days, i used to live in fear of losing my job but i felt part of a team. nowadays its like a mothers meeting and im just a kid who wandered in. Which, at 24 is infuriating. I cant seem to shake this feeling either. Im NOT a kid anymore but i feel like one pretty much all the time. The atmosphere at work is aggravating as well, i miss the days when my new supervisor barely spoke. now i keep catching her watching me, as if shes expecting me to do something wrong. Shes not exactly subtle either, walking halfway past the aisle then going back. Shes checking to see if i had my phone on me (i text A LOT during work, the boredom is agonising) and she never bloody catches me because i WORK when im there. but I feel like im a criminal on parole. If i dont tidy my section straight away and move onto a different one, she'll do it and it makes me feel like a fucking child. I miss pete, the patronising git. At least he was to your face if he had a problem with you. I know im probably going to get sacked sooner or later, which is devastating when you consider my job is stacking shelves. if i cant hack stacking shelves what hope do i have? If i werent so terrified of death, id probably be thinking the wrong things right about now.
Im also worried about my 'home' at the minute. I can just SENSE ive outstayed my welcome at my sisters but I have nowhere to go. ive never considered it as home, i was shunted there under fear of losing my joba nd now i just dwell there, in the back room like something old and forgotten. I want my own place desperately but i just cant afford it. And i cant move in with mates cause theyre either living with their parents, theres no room or they live with thier girlfriends/fiances. I have nothing against couples, im not bitter but itd only be a temporary fix because lets face it, they'll want thier own place eventually and ill be back at square one.
Im tired of living my life as just trudging between events like cons or expos. back when i had rach, my lifestyle didnt really bother me because i didnt feel like a loser, not nearly as much as i do nowadays. I just wonder if in ten years ill still be doing the same. Cosplaying is pretty much the only thing that cheers me up straight away, monster hunter just infuriates me since its at a point where i cant beat anything alone. And I hate just having stuff hand fed to me. but will i still be trolling cons at age 30? just wasting my life til i get to the next weekend/day out for meets? There must be more to life than this but why is it only now, when ive wasted my chances, do i feel this way!
one day ill get my own place. and a pug. it'll be great. maybe i wont hate my job too, at a push.
I dont think its fair that at the age of 24 i should be looking back on my life with such regret at not having done anything. Its unfair to suddenly develop a sense of responsibility and the need to have accomplished something with myself when the chance has pretty much gone. I miss the old night team at wilkos. It hit me last night and damn it all if i didnt tear up a bit at the thought that, all the interesting people, the ones i can hold a conversation with without it feeling forced are only there temporarily. A friend there, one of my supervisors when he still worked there, told me, as he knew of my disdain for working there, that it wasnt my final destination, just a halfway point, or something along those lines. I remember not paying into his leaving because i felt he was getting enough of a gift to be able to not only leave wilkos but become a teacher.
Now onto the meat of why ive been pretty miserable: Connor and Rachel. Now my main problem is, Ive pretty much forgotten them as people. Ive moved on from them, when i think back on the year, i barely even see thier faces. Noone has ever fucked my head up as badly as they did, the only time in my life ive BEEN this messed up was after the fire, though to be honest that still ranks as worse but the C+R issue has distracted me. But thats the problem there, i cant stop thinking back on it. Every single day i find myself thinking of them. So many wonderful things happened, the cons, the expos, just general hanging out, and EVERYTHING sets me off thinking about them. it wavers between misery at thinking about not getting to hang out with them and rage at the way they were both lying to my face, treating me like a sap. Nothing annoys me more than bieng treated like an idiot, because, quite frankly, im not one. But the combination of it all and work leaves me miserable. but what bothers me is how i waver. it affects my performance at work, negatively and i cant help feeling something is going to come to a head. On worse days, i find myself literally trudging through the aisles, the monotony of the job drilling into me. it was worse last night since the music went off and my phone died just short of dinner. So i was alone with my thoughts in total silence. thoughts which of course were focused on the whole horrible affair.
I need kita to go well but there are so many things that could go wrong. if i go the whole weekend without seeing them id die happy. Literally, I could call it a day there and then but lets be realistic. its a little con. I dont want my friends to have to pick, i may have asked it in the past but that was only out of a moment of malice, when the hate was running particularly high. To be honest, Id never do or say anything to them, its not worth me jeapoardising myself for them. That doesnt stop me wishing every negative thing possible under the sun upon them. I believe in kharma, or rather the belief that if you wish negative things on people, they'll just happen twicefold to you but to be honest, id be ready to see what the world can whip up. But the worst thing is, i know they wont. theyre so reclusive, the world cant get its claws into them the way it has me. Theyre safe in their little world supported by thier mummies. Fair enough for them if thats all thier pride allows them. But I wish I could stop thinking about them. Its like ive got myself hostage, tied to a chair watching a slideshow of everything cool we did as mates, or in rachels case, pretty much every moment we were together. It irritates me more because my friends give me great advice, tell me over and over again to forget them, and while im making progress, its just that everything reminds me of them. I had planned to wipe my facebook photos of them but theyre so deeply ingrained id be losing entire events worth, and a lot of good pics with my other friends. Ive settled for just blocking them on facebook. But the facebook issue comes up again because its the way i interact with most of my mates...if thier opinion of me hasnt changed through all this id consider myself a blessed man.
Back in the day, i remember when nothing got me down. people would come to ME to be cheered up. Back when i was DSW and not Viewtiful D, things were so much easier, and i was a damn sight happier. i would draw and write and nothing bothered me. but nowadays, im jsut a miserable bastard, experiencing the very emotions i used to think were overdramatic. And that annoys me more. As a result of the breakup a lot of people turned on the pair of them but i didnt instigate it. A lot of them were putting up with them because i was mates with/dating them it seems, i myself was greatly surprised at just how many people said "yeah we didnt like them", so many so it probably would have upset me had i known while we were involved. Im dreading kita. I for one plan to ignore/avoid them. but if connor gets drunk and tries to get it on at me, i seriously doubt id be able to stop myself. Its not enough that they pretty much fucked me over behind my back and treated me like an idiot, if he tries rubbing it in my face, ill probably not react favorably. And I really want kita to go well, im looking forward to it so godamn much. It irritates me further because im not friendless, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have joe, iain, kim, alex, kelly, ty, all of EMAG basically, who i can meet up with but when im at work obsessing i feel like im all alone. i think its because of the frequency id meet up with connor, two to three times a week sometimes. Which brings me on to the fact that EMAG may be no more. If EMAG goes down, im renouncing the name Viewtiful D, im going back to bieng DSW. I made the name up to join EMAG to begin with and since having my haircut barely anyone recognises me. The haircut a result of the breakup, i figure if i have it cut, less chance of them recognising me, though thanks to the miracle of facebook and some cockend toerag who sees fit to tell them everything i do on my FB, they most likely know. oh well, im good at ignoring people.
Fed up by my workmates, bunch of boring bastards they are. I miss the old days, i used to live in fear of losing my job but i felt part of a team. nowadays its like a mothers meeting and im just a kid who wandered in. Which, at 24 is infuriating. I cant seem to shake this feeling either. Im NOT a kid anymore but i feel like one pretty much all the time. The atmosphere at work is aggravating as well, i miss the days when my new supervisor barely spoke. now i keep catching her watching me, as if shes expecting me to do something wrong. Shes not exactly subtle either, walking halfway past the aisle then going back. Shes checking to see if i had my phone on me (i text A LOT during work, the boredom is agonising) and she never bloody catches me because i WORK when im there. but I feel like im a criminal on parole. If i dont tidy my section straight away and move onto a different one, she'll do it and it makes me feel like a fucking child. I miss pete, the patronising git. At least he was to your face if he had a problem with you. I know im probably going to get sacked sooner or later, which is devastating when you consider my job is stacking shelves. if i cant hack stacking shelves what hope do i have? If i werent so terrified of death, id probably be thinking the wrong things right about now.
Im also worried about my 'home' at the minute. I can just SENSE ive outstayed my welcome at my sisters but I have nowhere to go. ive never considered it as home, i was shunted there under fear of losing my joba nd now i just dwell there, in the back room like something old and forgotten. I want my own place desperately but i just cant afford it. And i cant move in with mates cause theyre either living with their parents, theres no room or they live with thier girlfriends/fiances. I have nothing against couples, im not bitter but itd only be a temporary fix because lets face it, they'll want thier own place eventually and ill be back at square one.
Im tired of living my life as just trudging between events like cons or expos. back when i had rach, my lifestyle didnt really bother me because i didnt feel like a loser, not nearly as much as i do nowadays. I just wonder if in ten years ill still be doing the same. Cosplaying is pretty much the only thing that cheers me up straight away, monster hunter just infuriates me since its at a point where i cant beat anything alone. And I hate just having stuff hand fed to me. but will i still be trolling cons at age 30? just wasting my life til i get to the next weekend/day out for meets? There must be more to life than this but why is it only now, when ive wasted my chances, do i feel this way!
one day ill get my own place. and a pug. it'll be great. maybe i wont hate my job too, at a push.