A question you thought you'd never hear from guys
A birthday present for woman_of_. She's such a sweetheart!
Title: Does my ass look big?
Pairing: Spangel
Rating: R?
Disclaimer: They ain't mine. Please don't sue. I need the money to pay the men in white coats.
Summary: What happens when two vain vampires start comparing their equipment?
“Your arse is too big, Peaches!”
“Oh shut up, boy! Just because you don’t have any doesn’t mean you should criticize mine!”
*growls* “You take that back, you wanker! Me arse is perfectly fine. And ‘m not the one who can’t keep his bloody paws off of it.”
“Oh please! The only reason I’m touching your ass is cause it’s the next best thing.”
*outraged* “Next best?!?”
*smugly* “Well, I obviously can’t fuck my own so I’ll just have to settle for yours.”
*snorts* “Like anyone would wanna shag yours!”
“Wanna bet?”
*snickers* “Nah, you get too cranky to shag when you lose.”
*snarls* “That’s it! We are going to see Wesley right now!”
“After you…lard ass.”
************
“Does my ass look big?”
*chokes* “Er…excuse me?”
“The fat git obviously doesn’t-“
“Have you two been fighting over the magic mirror again?”
*shifts guiltily* “I was just trying to see if I have uh cereal stuck in my teeth and Broody pants’ arse got in the way!”
“Hey! We made a schedule and it wasn’t your time yet!”
*archs an eyebrow* “Schedule?”
*nervous laughter* “You didn’t hear that.”
“Anyway, back to the bleedin’ topic. Whose arse would you shag, Percy?”
“I’m sorry but do I look gay to you?”
“That’s not the soddin’ point here!”
*softly* “Well…actually, I have to say you do, Wes.”
*shocked silence* “I cannot believe you just said that, Angel. Are you sure you’re feeling quite well?”
“To be fair, Wes, you did check out my ass five times a day when we worked in the Hyperion.”
“I did not!”
“You tell him, Watcher! There’s only one arse you check out and that’s mine!”
*growls* “You do?”
*gulps* “Angel, I can honestly say that I do not check out any male arses, neither Spike’s nor yours.”
“Stop getting all territorial over my perfect arse, Peaches. I know you want it more than your own but that’s no reason to bloody scare Percy to death.”
“Shut up! I don’t want your skinny ass.”
*menacingly* “Is that a fact?”
*sweats* “Um…I didn’t uh mean it that way…”
“Why don’t we resolve this like gentlemen?”
“What are you suggesting, Percy?”
“Well, show me your…specimens and I’ll judge for myself.”
*pants unzipping*
….
*breathes a little heavily* “I have to admit…they are both very fine specimens…”
*crows* “Hear that, wanker?”
“He said both, you idiot!”
*door opens*
“What the hell is going on here? You two trying to seduce my lover?”
“What?!?”
“I’m sorry, Charles. I didn’t realize it was so late already.”
“But Wes, you said you weren’t gay!”
“He’s not. He’s just bi and now why don’t you two go fuck like good little vampires? Me, English and Fred have a date.”
*door closes*
“Damn, I can’t believe he prefers Gunn’s ass!”
“I know. I’ve seen it and let me just bloody say, it ain’t much.”
“Yeah and his cock is not that big either.”
“Hell yeah, Peaches. I mean, mine is way bigger.”
“But not as big as mine.”
“Are you on something, mate? Mine is obviously bigger than yours.”
*growls* “You wanna bet?”
Title: Does my ass look big?
Pairing: Spangel
Rating: R?
Disclaimer: They ain't mine. Please don't sue. I need the money to pay the men in white coats.
Summary: What happens when two vain vampires start comparing their equipment?
“Your arse is too big, Peaches!”
“Oh shut up, boy! Just because you don’t have any doesn’t mean you should criticize mine!”
*growls* “You take that back, you wanker! Me arse is perfectly fine. And ‘m not the one who can’t keep his bloody paws off of it.”
“Oh please! The only reason I’m touching your ass is cause it’s the next best thing.”
*outraged* “Next best?!?”
*smugly* “Well, I obviously can’t fuck my own so I’ll just have to settle for yours.”
*snorts* “Like anyone would wanna shag yours!”
“Wanna bet?”
*snickers* “Nah, you get too cranky to shag when you lose.”
*snarls* “That’s it! We are going to see Wesley right now!”
“After you…lard ass.”
************
“Does my ass look big?”
*chokes* “Er…excuse me?”
“The fat git obviously doesn’t-“
“Have you two been fighting over the magic mirror again?”
*shifts guiltily* “I was just trying to see if I have uh cereal stuck in my teeth and Broody pants’ arse got in the way!”
“Hey! We made a schedule and it wasn’t your time yet!”
*archs an eyebrow* “Schedule?”
*nervous laughter* “You didn’t hear that.”
“Anyway, back to the bleedin’ topic. Whose arse would you shag, Percy?”
“I’m sorry but do I look gay to you?”
“That’s not the soddin’ point here!”
*softly* “Well…actually, I have to say you do, Wes.”
*shocked silence* “I cannot believe you just said that, Angel. Are you sure you’re feeling quite well?”
“To be fair, Wes, you did check out my ass five times a day when we worked in the Hyperion.”
“I did not!”
“You tell him, Watcher! There’s only one arse you check out and that’s mine!”
*growls* “You do?”
*gulps* “Angel, I can honestly say that I do not check out any male arses, neither Spike’s nor yours.”
“Stop getting all territorial over my perfect arse, Peaches. I know you want it more than your own but that’s no reason to bloody scare Percy to death.”
“Shut up! I don’t want your skinny ass.”
*menacingly* “Is that a fact?”
*sweats* “Um…I didn’t uh mean it that way…”
“Why don’t we resolve this like gentlemen?”
“What are you suggesting, Percy?”
“Well, show me your…specimens and I’ll judge for myself.”
*pants unzipping*
….
*breathes a little heavily* “I have to admit…they are both very fine specimens…”
*crows* “Hear that, wanker?”
“He said both, you idiot!”
*door opens*
“What the hell is going on here? You two trying to seduce my lover?”
“What?!?”
“I’m sorry, Charles. I didn’t realize it was so late already.”
“But Wes, you said you weren’t gay!”
“He’s not. He’s just bi and now why don’t you two go fuck like good little vampires? Me, English and Fred have a date.”
*door closes*
“Damn, I can’t believe he prefers Gunn’s ass!”
“I know. I’ve seen it and let me just bloody say, it ain’t much.”
“Yeah and his cock is not that big either.”
“Hell yeah, Peaches. I mean, mine is way bigger.”
“But not as big as mine.”
“Are you on something, mate? Mine is obviously bigger than yours.”
*growls* “You wanna bet?”