Can you teach an old puppy new tricks?
Hi all! Sometime ago mahal5254 challenged me at nekid_spike to write a fic about Spike trying to train Puppy Angel to do something. As with everything I write, it turned out a bit unusual. You'll see what I mean.
Anyway, mahal5254, I hope you like it!
Title: Training Day (1/2)
Pairing: Spangel
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I’m just trying to give Joss’s creations a break from the usual angst and apocalypses.
Summary: Puppy Angel is a little messed up in the head now after being the playtoy of Vamp Willow and Xander. After dusting both of the former Scoobies, Spike tries to take advantage of the situation with Puppy. Someone shows up to…help?
“C’mon, be a good puppy…say it.”
Angel sat and stared dumbly at Spike.
“Goddamn it!” Spike roared as he punched the wall next to Angel’s head. Angel whimpered pitifully and scuttled away to another corner.
“Damn! And I thought I was bad at my job,” said a wry female voice.
Spike spun around quickly, surprised eyes meeting the twinkling gaze of an old woman dressed in a long cloak.
“Who the buggering fuck are you?” he demanded angrily, body unconsciously moving into attack mode.
“Whoa, boy! Don’t ya recognize your fairy godmother when you see her?” the woman demanded with one eyebrow raised, clearly unruffled by his tone.
Spike snorted. “I ain’t got no fairy godmother.”
“That’s what you think, William. The name’s Lorrie but I’d prefer it if you call me Godmother. I mean, I am your superior.”
Spike’s gaze narrowed. “Get the fuck outta here before I rip you up, woman,” he snarled.
Lorrie laughed. “Take your best shot, boy,” she taunted.
Spike growled and launched himself at her only to smack right into the wall. From his corner, Angel watched all this with avid eyes. His annoying owner was getting beaten down - what fun.
Painfully crunching his nose back into place, Spike turned around cautiously. Lorrie stood a few paces away from him, unperturbed and smirking smugly.
“What the fuck?” Spike exclaimed, eyes widening. “You’re really my fairy godmother?”
“Don’t act so surprised, William. The Powers that Be - you know, the ones way way upstairs? -decided to give you some help. After all, you’ve been having more than your fair share of troubles with love,” Lorrie stated with an amused look on her face.
“’M not exactly having troubles with love right now,” Spike denied loudly.
Lorrie shot a pointed look in Angel’s direction. Angel nearly snorted but caught himself. After all, his blonde owner didn’t like it when he acted obnoxiously. He didn’t understand - he was only following the good example his master set. How was he supposed to know that the other vamp had double standards - one for himself and one for everyone else?
“I don’t bloody know what you’re implying,” Spike said, pointedly not staring in Angel’s direction. “But…really? The Power blokes want to help me?”
“Well…not exactly,” Lorrie admitted with a sigh. “I pissed off someone in HR and got saddled with you as punishment. I just thought you’d like to hear the prettier version, that’s all.”
Spike deflated. For a moment, he had thought that all his years of perseverance at being love’s bitch had finally paid off. Trust those Power blokes to keep him dangling.
“Go fuck off then. I don’t need no bleedin’ babysitter,” Spike stated rudely.
“Since I’m already here, I might as well as have some fun,” Lorrie declared, waggling her eyebrows cheerfully.
“Fun?” Spike raised an eyebrow at her. “Spend two bloody hours with him and you’ll bloody change your mind!”
Lorrie turned to regard Angel, who pasted his best I’m-innocent-it’s-my-owner-who-is-insane look on his face.
“He looks perfectly fine,” she remarked with confusion. “What’s the damn problem?”
“He won’t call me Sire!” Spike whined petulantly.
Lorrie looked murderous. “Give me your whip!” she growled.
“What?!?” Spike was stunned. Weren’t fairy godmothers supposed to be nonviolent?
“I hate creatures that refuse to respect their superiors,” she explained crossly, eyes lingering a bit on him in disapproval.
Spike coughed. “Well…you see…”
“If you’re always this hesitant, I can see why he won’t obey you. Puppies need firm hands!”
“He’s not really my childe,” Spike blurted out.
“Oh. Did you vamp-nap him? You know, I’d have to report you to the Vampire Police…”
“There’s a Vampire Police?” Spike exclaimed, eyebrows shooting off the top of his head. “Not that I’d be, you know, afraid of them.”
“So you admit to vamp-napping this puppy?”
“No! He’s my Sire.”
Lorrie regarded him with a bewildered look. “Oh, then of course, he ain’t gonna call you Sire, idiot! Even if he’s dumb, that’s no reason to deny his Sirehood.”
Angel looked a little affronted at that statement. He wasn’t dumb, he…he…just thought of himself as a puppy. What? Plenty of vamps do that. Especially if they were trying to appease crazy, psycho masters i.e. Vamp Willow and Xander. Not that Spike wasn’t a psycho but he was pretty adorable when he cuddled against Angel at night while he slept. It made Angel want to purr or do whatever good puppies do when they’re happy.
Spike scratched his head sheepishly. “I wasn’t trying to deny his Sirehood…I-I just…why the hell do I need to explain meself to you?”
“Cause I’m your fairy Godmother, that’s why, and if that’s not reason enough, which it should be, I’m gonna help you get him to do what you want…on one condition…” Lorrie raised an expectant eyebrow at him.
Yikes! Angel’s eyes widened and he had to cover his mouth to prevent a whimper from escaping. The witch and his insane master joining forces?
“I like the way you think…Godmother,” Spike said, smiling through gritted teeth.
Lorrie beamed at him. “That’s better, boy.”
Spinning around, she regarded the miserable, huddled form that was trying to press himself into the wall. “Come to Godmommy, Puppy,” she crooned, eyes gleaming.
A flash of alarm jolted through Spike. What was the old hag going to do to his puppy? He hastily put himself between Lorrie and Angel.
“So…what’s the soddin’ plan?” he asked quickly.
Lorrie snorted. “Figures that I’d get the dim-witted ones,” she muttered. “Look, William. Puppy Angel’s obviously been brainwashed by his former masters. So all we gotta do is… un-brainwash him and he’ll be grateful enough to do anything! Simple.”
“Just how do you propose to do that? Dry clean his bloody brain?” Spike asked sarcastically.
A slow smile spread across Lorrie’s face. “Maybe you aren’t hopeless after all,” she declared.
This time, Angel couldn’t contain his whimper.
************
“Are you sure this is gonna bloody work? What if you make him barmier than before?” Spike questioned, hovering anxiously around the bed where a trembling Angel was lying.
Lorrie didn’t deign to give him a reply but instead, continued to place lit candles around the bed in a circle. As she finished, she began to mumble, “Double, double toil and trouble. Fire burn and…”
“Isn’t that bleedin’ Shakespeare?!?” Spike yelled.
“Yes,” Lorrie answered with annoyance. “That stupid twit totally gave away all our secrets. Of course, we paid him back real well. You should’ve seen what happened to him…”
She cackled evilly, sounding more like the Wicked witch of the West than a fairy godmother. Spike and Angel both gulped nervously.
Composing herself, she began her mumbling again. Angel turned pleading puppy eyes to Spike, who was trying his best to maintain his defenses against the look.
“Done!” Lorrie finally announced. “His mind is connected to his body now. Just use this blow dryer on his body and he’ll be fine. I’ve filled it with dry cleaning chemicals.”
Spike stared at the blow dryer skeptically. “That’s all?”
“Yeah, the mind-body connection spell is a simple one,” Lorrie replied, waving offhandedly. Turning to Angel, she stated haughtily, “You ought to pay me for this. I mean, people do spend millions of dollars in yoga and whatnot trying to achieve this connection. You’re lucky you got a freebie, puppy.”
Spike rolled his eyes. He grabbed the blow dryer and advanced on a fearful Angel. Pressing the on button, he blasted poor Angel with hot air. Only…
“The buggering thing isn’t working!” he whined like Angel was denying him sex.
“That’s because you haven’t plugged it in, boy,” Lorrie pointed out.
“Oh…” Spike hurried to the outlet on the wall.
Lorrie wanted to smack herself in frustration. New rule: never piss off anyone in HR again.
A big, evil grin on his face, Spike prowled back to the helpless Angel. “Puppy, get ready to meet your new Sire,” he purred.
This time, gusts of hot air shot from the blow dryer as Spike waved it around in Angel’s direction. Lorrie coughed. The room was getting way too smoky and the candles had blinked out. She hoped that she hadn’t put too much dry cleaning chemicals in the dryer.
Suddenly, a loud roar exploded from somewhere. A massive form knocked over Spike and Lorrie, disappearing out the door. The smoke immediately began to dissipate, revealing an empty bed.
Spike raced over to the door, staring out into the hallway. He’d never catch Angel now since the older vampire knew the mansion better than him.
“I thought you were supposed to help me train him to call me Sire! You ain’t much soddin’ help!” Spike wailed desolately as he stalked over to Lorrie.
A slow knowing smirk spread over Lorrie’s face. “Well…what can I say? I’m known for being unconventional,” she said, disappearing in a poof of smoke with a final wink at someone behind Spike.
Confused, Spike turned around and was met by the sight of a maniacally grinning Angel who was holding a few sets of chains.
“So Sire, how about a game of the childe dominates his Sire?” Angel leered.
Bloody hell, Spike thought with a frown, was he actually going to have to thank the old bitch?
“You bet your cute ass you do, boy,” Lorrie whispered into his ear.
Next
Anyway, mahal5254, I hope you like it!
Title: Training Day (1/2)
Pairing: Spangel
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I’m just trying to give Joss’s creations a break from the usual angst and apocalypses.
Summary: Puppy Angel is a little messed up in the head now after being the playtoy of Vamp Willow and Xander. After dusting both of the former Scoobies, Spike tries to take advantage of the situation with Puppy. Someone shows up to…help?
“C’mon, be a good puppy…say it.”
Angel sat and stared dumbly at Spike.
“Goddamn it!” Spike roared as he punched the wall next to Angel’s head. Angel whimpered pitifully and scuttled away to another corner.
“Damn! And I thought I was bad at my job,” said a wry female voice.
Spike spun around quickly, surprised eyes meeting the twinkling gaze of an old woman dressed in a long cloak.
“Who the buggering fuck are you?” he demanded angrily, body unconsciously moving into attack mode.
“Whoa, boy! Don’t ya recognize your fairy godmother when you see her?” the woman demanded with one eyebrow raised, clearly unruffled by his tone.
Spike snorted. “I ain’t got no fairy godmother.”
“That’s what you think, William. The name’s Lorrie but I’d prefer it if you call me Godmother. I mean, I am your superior.”
Spike’s gaze narrowed. “Get the fuck outta here before I rip you up, woman,” he snarled.
Lorrie laughed. “Take your best shot, boy,” she taunted.
Spike growled and launched himself at her only to smack right into the wall. From his corner, Angel watched all this with avid eyes. His annoying owner was getting beaten down - what fun.
Painfully crunching his nose back into place, Spike turned around cautiously. Lorrie stood a few paces away from him, unperturbed and smirking smugly.
“What the fuck?” Spike exclaimed, eyes widening. “You’re really my fairy godmother?”
“Don’t act so surprised, William. The Powers that Be - you know, the ones way way upstairs? -decided to give you some help. After all, you’ve been having more than your fair share of troubles with love,” Lorrie stated with an amused look on her face.
“’M not exactly having troubles with love right now,” Spike denied loudly.
Lorrie shot a pointed look in Angel’s direction. Angel nearly snorted but caught himself. After all, his blonde owner didn’t like it when he acted obnoxiously. He didn’t understand - he was only following the good example his master set. How was he supposed to know that the other vamp had double standards - one for himself and one for everyone else?
“I don’t bloody know what you’re implying,” Spike said, pointedly not staring in Angel’s direction. “But…really? The Power blokes want to help me?”
“Well…not exactly,” Lorrie admitted with a sigh. “I pissed off someone in HR and got saddled with you as punishment. I just thought you’d like to hear the prettier version, that’s all.”
Spike deflated. For a moment, he had thought that all his years of perseverance at being love’s bitch had finally paid off. Trust those Power blokes to keep him dangling.
“Go fuck off then. I don’t need no bleedin’ babysitter,” Spike stated rudely.
“Since I’m already here, I might as well as have some fun,” Lorrie declared, waggling her eyebrows cheerfully.
“Fun?” Spike raised an eyebrow at her. “Spend two bloody hours with him and you’ll bloody change your mind!”
Lorrie turned to regard Angel, who pasted his best I’m-innocent-it’s-my-owner-who-is-insane look on his face.
“He looks perfectly fine,” she remarked with confusion. “What’s the damn problem?”
“He won’t call me Sire!” Spike whined petulantly.
Lorrie looked murderous. “Give me your whip!” she growled.
“What?!?” Spike was stunned. Weren’t fairy godmothers supposed to be nonviolent?
“I hate creatures that refuse to respect their superiors,” she explained crossly, eyes lingering a bit on him in disapproval.
Spike coughed. “Well…you see…”
“If you’re always this hesitant, I can see why he won’t obey you. Puppies need firm hands!”
“He’s not really my childe,” Spike blurted out.
“Oh. Did you vamp-nap him? You know, I’d have to report you to the Vampire Police…”
“There’s a Vampire Police?” Spike exclaimed, eyebrows shooting off the top of his head. “Not that I’d be, you know, afraid of them.”
“So you admit to vamp-napping this puppy?”
“No! He’s my Sire.”
Lorrie regarded him with a bewildered look. “Oh, then of course, he ain’t gonna call you Sire, idiot! Even if he’s dumb, that’s no reason to deny his Sirehood.”
Angel looked a little affronted at that statement. He wasn’t dumb, he…he…just thought of himself as a puppy. What? Plenty of vamps do that. Especially if they were trying to appease crazy, psycho masters i.e. Vamp Willow and Xander. Not that Spike wasn’t a psycho but he was pretty adorable when he cuddled against Angel at night while he slept. It made Angel want to purr or do whatever good puppies do when they’re happy.
Spike scratched his head sheepishly. “I wasn’t trying to deny his Sirehood…I-I just…why the hell do I need to explain meself to you?”
“Cause I’m your fairy Godmother, that’s why, and if that’s not reason enough, which it should be, I’m gonna help you get him to do what you want…on one condition…” Lorrie raised an expectant eyebrow at him.
Yikes! Angel’s eyes widened and he had to cover his mouth to prevent a whimper from escaping. The witch and his insane master joining forces?
“I like the way you think…Godmother,” Spike said, smiling through gritted teeth.
Lorrie beamed at him. “That’s better, boy.”
Spinning around, she regarded the miserable, huddled form that was trying to press himself into the wall. “Come to Godmommy, Puppy,” she crooned, eyes gleaming.
A flash of alarm jolted through Spike. What was the old hag going to do to his puppy? He hastily put himself between Lorrie and Angel.
“So…what’s the soddin’ plan?” he asked quickly.
Lorrie snorted. “Figures that I’d get the dim-witted ones,” she muttered. “Look, William. Puppy Angel’s obviously been brainwashed by his former masters. So all we gotta do is… un-brainwash him and he’ll be grateful enough to do anything! Simple.”
“Just how do you propose to do that? Dry clean his bloody brain?” Spike asked sarcastically.
A slow smile spread across Lorrie’s face. “Maybe you aren’t hopeless after all,” she declared.
This time, Angel couldn’t contain his whimper.
************
“Are you sure this is gonna bloody work? What if you make him barmier than before?” Spike questioned, hovering anxiously around the bed where a trembling Angel was lying.
Lorrie didn’t deign to give him a reply but instead, continued to place lit candles around the bed in a circle. As she finished, she began to mumble, “Double, double toil and trouble. Fire burn and…”
“Isn’t that bleedin’ Shakespeare?!?” Spike yelled.
“Yes,” Lorrie answered with annoyance. “That stupid twit totally gave away all our secrets. Of course, we paid him back real well. You should’ve seen what happened to him…”
She cackled evilly, sounding more like the Wicked witch of the West than a fairy godmother. Spike and Angel both gulped nervously.
Composing herself, she began her mumbling again. Angel turned pleading puppy eyes to Spike, who was trying his best to maintain his defenses against the look.
“Done!” Lorrie finally announced. “His mind is connected to his body now. Just use this blow dryer on his body and he’ll be fine. I’ve filled it with dry cleaning chemicals.”
Spike stared at the blow dryer skeptically. “That’s all?”
“Yeah, the mind-body connection spell is a simple one,” Lorrie replied, waving offhandedly. Turning to Angel, she stated haughtily, “You ought to pay me for this. I mean, people do spend millions of dollars in yoga and whatnot trying to achieve this connection. You’re lucky you got a freebie, puppy.”
Spike rolled his eyes. He grabbed the blow dryer and advanced on a fearful Angel. Pressing the on button, he blasted poor Angel with hot air. Only…
“The buggering thing isn’t working!” he whined like Angel was denying him sex.
“That’s because you haven’t plugged it in, boy,” Lorrie pointed out.
“Oh…” Spike hurried to the outlet on the wall.
Lorrie wanted to smack herself in frustration. New rule: never piss off anyone in HR again.
A big, evil grin on his face, Spike prowled back to the helpless Angel. “Puppy, get ready to meet your new Sire,” he purred.
This time, gusts of hot air shot from the blow dryer as Spike waved it around in Angel’s direction. Lorrie coughed. The room was getting way too smoky and the candles had blinked out. She hoped that she hadn’t put too much dry cleaning chemicals in the dryer.
Suddenly, a loud roar exploded from somewhere. A massive form knocked over Spike and Lorrie, disappearing out the door. The smoke immediately began to dissipate, revealing an empty bed.
Spike raced over to the door, staring out into the hallway. He’d never catch Angel now since the older vampire knew the mansion better than him.
“I thought you were supposed to help me train him to call me Sire! You ain’t much soddin’ help!” Spike wailed desolately as he stalked over to Lorrie.
A slow knowing smirk spread over Lorrie’s face. “Well…what can I say? I’m known for being unconventional,” she said, disappearing in a poof of smoke with a final wink at someone behind Spike.
Confused, Spike turned around and was met by the sight of a maniacally grinning Angel who was holding a few sets of chains.
“So Sire, how about a game of the childe dominates his Sire?” Angel leered.
Bloody hell, Spike thought with a frown, was he actually going to have to thank the old bitch?
“You bet your cute ass you do, boy,” Lorrie whispered into his ear.
Next